Xiuhcóatl : Fire Serpent

Shedding of layers.

And here I am.

What am I complaining about?

I have the best opportunities, the best life now and incoming.

Of course its not so simple.

But everything I wanted, or at least almost, is here.

I am close friends to people I never thought I could even touch.

I have the guidance and trust of others who value me.

I have a closer relationship to myself and our Creator than ever before.

It's taken knowing the darkest pits of despair, anger, and destruction to come here.

To witness. To bear. To see and to feel.

Its for that I can contain everything.

Because I contained it within myself.

I know there is more, layer by layer.

But right now I am happy. I am in absolute gratitude for everything.

May I continue on this blessing path.

To bless and be blessed.

When does a candle become a blaze?

When does a man become a monster?

When does a ripple become a tidal wave?

When does the reason become the blame?

I did it.

I did what I have never done.

I'll be brave. Nervous, excited, scared, calm, confident

And most importantly brave. Courageous.

One step at a time everything is aligning.

Even with the challenges. Even with the demons that come out to play.

I'm making my way to you.

We've been healing our relationship and to me, this is the biggest step yet.

We're both healing.

Somehow our situations reflect and it still surprises me to this day.

I know you told me this is normal for you now but this is still baffling to me.

How the world works and reflects it in external situations.

Another initiation begins

This is my second

This Reiki master told me before that when someone close to you dies,

A part of you dies with them

So what part died?

Well the outdated parts of course

This time emerging closer to wholeness

Integrating my fragmented parts, my traumas

This time loving without limits or conditions

I know what your message is

Somehow, someway

We've all crossed paths at this intersection

Somehow she saw it before I did

Long before I did

Is it a cosmic joke?

Maybe in part

But this time this torrential force is not taking me out

I feel stable, grounded, assured

Even in my dissolution and slight apprehension

There is excitement

How did you know?

I am the young wolf

I've been hungry, scrappy, ambitious

Just like you

Now I see I'm shedding that away

There is another outdated me

With much gratitude

I pray in service to who I was for the past few years

Your throat? Your chest? Your stomach?

Why?

What part of you needs attention?

Which part of you wants your love?

I believe that's the norm.

Love possesses.

Love possessing.

Possessing love.

What is it like to love unconditionally?

To love without restraint

Yet to let it go

To be okay with the outcome

To not want to own you, or anyone

To be in peace

And yet in love

Is this what they mean?

Is this what I feel now?

I've only felt love as an addiction.

Rush of chemicals, endorphins, sex, and passion.

I've only known it fast, hard, and chaotic.

And maybe that was a type of love.

But this?

What is this actually?

Of course it would hurt if it didn't work out

Of course I want you to want me

Of course I want you to be by my side

Of course I'm triggered and I feel my traumas resurface

I trace the jagged edges of my memories and conditioning

It's really not you, its me

My greatest teacher is your reflection

And yet I can let you go

Even with all of that

I'm okay if I let you go

I'm okay if it doesn't work out

I don't want to possess you

I never could

And I don't want to

I love you for everything consciousness has chosen to express in your material being

I know my greatest trial will be this

To be a man who is aligned

Unmovable, solid, unshakable

To be without you

And trust in what we have

For the first time I never worry if you are entertaining another

I never worry you are deceiving

I never worry with you

Energy doesn't lie

My biggest tribulation is myself

To be a man who can withstand distance

Who can move forward with an open flaming heart

To not move away from my target because of you

To not steer the ship away because I'm afraid of losing you

No

I trust

I have my eyes set on what I must do

While you do the work that you do

And have faith we will be brought together

As I face these demons head on

You will be there

I will be here

This is love

Is it the same?

Is it both?

But I love your expression of consciousness.

Since when did my life become a chapter out of a book?

Literally.

It's funny how the answers can appear in your bookcase.

Another part

Perhaps a bigger part

Desires to keep you to myself

The only thing that is mine to guard

Mine to know

Mine to keep safe

I share so much to the world

Due to the nature of my work

But you?

I want to keep you

I want to keep you in my heart

Not out of selfishness

Or possessiveness

But because finally

Feelings that belong to me and only me

Feelings only I know

Depths only I explore

Places only I traverse

No one will ever understand

Only you and I

Because we are the same

And that's the key

It was never about you

It was never about me

It was seeing the reflections in the mirror

The multiple facets

Like a refracting diamond

It was never about us

It was about me and it was about you

Yet simultaneously, I did.

All the people and events appearing before me are what I had desired months and years ago.

Yet I didn't think what the price would be.

I prefer collaboration. I'd rather do a win-win situation.

But I know this isn't always going to happen.

Sometimes the hard, difficult path is the one that we need to go on. And I might be the one to dish it out.

All these years of maturing and learning are culminating to a point.

I've talked about the importance of wielding a sword when necessary.

It seems the time has come.

Will my empathy get in the way?

The way I see the best in people?

The moments I see potential instead of reality?

Or will I choose a greater cause?

To turn one away for the survival of the tribe.

To get rid of the infection, to treat the diseased parts.

To banish it.

That is part of being a mature man.

Of reaching true manhood.

Its the hard decisions, the tough calls, the times I may be seen as "bad" but for the greater good.

My friend I hope you understand I don't wish anyone any harm.

It's the last thing I want to do.

I want to save you but I can't do that work for you.

I cannot choose your feelings over the community.

I vent this here because there's nowhere else I can open up so publicly about my internal struggles.

There's nowhere else I can express the pain I feel knowing I might ruin our friendship. Knowing I might hurt you.

But I can no longer stand by and allow things to fall apart

If I don't step up, who will?

Your demons drown you and I try so hard to pull you out but I can't do it for you.

I'm willing to be the villain in your story.

I only wish you to learn your lessons and become a better man.

If you can't fulfill this, I'm sorry.

I genuinely am.

It was never my intention to begin this karmic dance.

But I've made my decision.

If I have to be ruthless to create a place of safety and community I will.

Even if it means going against my own brother.

There is an unfamiliar softening

I still don't know what it means

But when I'm done with the busy work of the day and relax

...

"I want power"

"Why?"

Why indeed?

I never thought of it that way. Maybe because the answer is uncomfortable.

"So you don't get hurt?"

Ah.

"Honestly? That's part of it yeah"

We know its true so why lie?

"You can be vulnerable"

No. That's where we disagree. Even if I wanted to! Even if I want to. How can I be vulnerable? The thought of it hurts my heart and nothing has happened yet.

How does one open up?

"Maybe"

She knew not to prod me. This is the most direct she's been. And she doesn't know how her own expressions of vulnerability has impacted me.

It's the typical "you go first". And she went first without me asking. Without any care for what I thought or wanted. It's because that's what she wants for herself. Because that's the world she wants to create and live in. I respect that immensely. More than she knows.

And because of that I'm exploring it myself. Without her nagging at me "open up". Past experiences from women trying to explicate and pull out my wounds, my fears, my thoughts, which only lead to a deepening fear and insecurity.

This is how it's done. Not by forcing, not by telling me what to do, not by guilting me. By showing me safety. Showing me another way.

How can we expect others to do what we're not willing to do ourselves?

I've never experienced that before.