like idk i just think that the only solution to the problem of getting pronouns right is to do your best and be ready to apologize. any other solution offered is just an attempt to get out of that work.
like i really think these conversations are a product of contemporary performative progressive politics where everyone is more concerned with not being seen to make a mistake ever than with like, actually trying to be kind. so âjust use theyâ is offered not as a solution to the problem of avoiding hurting peopleâs feelings but as a quick-fix, âcan we all agree that no one can be mad at me as long as i do this.â itâs an attempt to cement a Right thing to do merely for its own sake, so that people can feel comfortable being Right, in spite of the many, many people (trans women, mostly - surprise) who say that actually, your âsolutionâ still hurts us.
just, like, i promise that being misgendered once, on accident, and being immediately apologised to has never done anyone any lasting damage. thatâs fine. we all know that assumptions take place. trying to replace them with one universal assumption - that everyone is fine being referred to by âtheyâ, regardless of prior experience of that word being used deliberately to hurt them - thatâs not the answer.
people are always going to get hurt where gendered language is involved because gender hurts. it is violent. that violence will not be resolved by changing what words we use, it will be resolved when the economic and political structures that enable the domination and exploitation of women by men are abolished.
but like, i know why nobody wants to hear this, because it is almost exclusively trans women who have experience with âtheyâ being used as a means of misgendering us - and even then it is only a certain subset of trans women, which, as history has taught me, even other trans women have a hard time listening to when the alternative is siding with anyone else. but for those of us who have this experience, âtheyâ is no better than âhe.â and i donât see why just because we are in minority that we should be told our preference is irrelevant since everyone else is so eager to find a one-size-fits-all solution. like if you want to default to they you just need to admit that youâve chosen that because it works for most people - and that the minority it doesnât work for are almost all trans women whoâs pain youâve weighed against everyone elseâs and found it less important.
at the end of the day, unless youâre asking everyone their pronouns as soon as you meet them, which you cant and shouldnt do in a lot of contexts, you are always going to end up hurting somebody, because there are always going to be assumptions involved. so just do your best. apologize when you get it wrong. if you want to default to they/them for everyone you meet then okay, but stop telling people that thatâs whatâs Right when itâs just the particular assumption youâve decided to make, the particular risk youâve decided to take within the inevitable possibility of hurting somebodyâs feelings. stop saying that yours is the solution where nobody gets hurt. we all know who ânobodyâ is by now.
âtheyâ isnt neutral. its just another pronoun thatâs not mine.