for some reason my brain wonāt let go of this one, soā¦.
Meanwhile another colony of ants invades your house, and evidently that last ant has gotten some of them to join her in a circle and taught them the ritual because youāre coming out of the bathroom one day and you hear the ants singing your name. Sure enough itās that ant, but sheās dark and fucked up now, and sheās like,Ā ākill the queen. I will rule this colonyā and youāre like, sure, I guess I kinda owe her, and you do it. And she manages to become queen, and they worship you. Which is cool, youāre not, you know, very important in the human world, but to these ants youāre practically all-powerful. You canāt be just, doing everything a bunch of ants tell you to, though, when would you watch netflx? So you tend to only show up for super important ants; you teach them some extra words and when hear them you go see whatās up. Usually. Also just to your name, if youāre bored. And, sometimes some of the ants are like, tell us more human names, and youāre kind of jealous of the idea of some other human diluting your private godhood, so you refuse.
Your roommate Greg is like, yo, thatās fucking awesome, I want ant worshipers! But whenever he approaches any, they run away, because it turns out that the illusion of control from the named summoning is what makes them feel safe around you. Thatās great, because Greg is a dick who never does the dishes, and one day you decide to teach Greg a lesson.
So you show up at the colony, and youāre like, āyo, witch queen, did you think there would be no price for all these things? Your colony must do something for me, go to the Room of the Housemate, I will meet you there.ā And you go sit on the couch and play Overwatch for a while. Youāre like, right there, you can clearly see the ants all marching along the wall to Gregās room, but to them youāre not even there, youāre so far away they canāt see you. It takes them, like, an ant week to make the journey. They have to figure out ways to get over and around things. Some of them drown, or get stepped on by the dog, or whatever. You win a game, you lose a game, you look over, and theyāre trying to get through some cobwebsā¦ looks like theyāre mostly going to live, you keep playing, you look over, okay theyāre all in there, and you stand up and walk over and by the time theyāve chanted your name once, youāre there.Ā āright, hold onā and you look around and you see a twelve-pack of Gregās precious fucking soda, that he keeps in his room and refuses to ever share, even though itās a communal food household and you share your hot chocolate with him all the time. So you gather the ants unto you, and you poke a little hole in each of the sodas and you leave the room to the sound of the ants rejoicing. Greg will suspect of course, but heāll never be able to prove the ants didnāt chew holes in the plastic and steal his stupid drinks.Ā
But later, while youāre at work, Greg destroys most of the colony in a rage, and you come home to find the witch queen gasping her lastĀ āthe Dew of the Mountain, which you had us steal, was cursed - and so I lay my curse on youā and then she dies.
Well first of all, you donāt really believe in curses, but last month you didnāt believe ants could know your name, so thatās unsettling. And second of all, you feel kind of bad. You know, not SUPER bad, cause sheās like, an ant. But still. And most importantly, third of all, Greg must pay.
But Greg has done more than kill a bunch of the colony. As you wait for eggs and pupae to replenish the ant population, you discover he has found some ants that didnāt go on the Mountain Dew raid, and heās spared them, told them his name, and made himself a good sized cult in YOUR fucking ant queendom.
Greg has started locking his door. So now you NEED the ants. Once again you direct the ants loyal to you to journey to Gregās room. You meet them at the door. A locked door means nothing to the ants, they donāt even know there is a door, and can barely perceive the difference between it being open and shut - either passing the threshold on the floor regardless, or being on its surface no matter the position. But you need them to get inside. Youāre going to put itching powder in his underwear drawer and leave a raw fish under his bed. So you instruct the leading party of ants how to go into the Cave of Keyhole, and position the Magic Megaliths inside just right to enable the opening of the Great Door and allow you to pass into the Realm of Housemate.
Crouched by the door, you can hear when your ants are met by a party of Greg Cultists, who insist that if the Great Door is opened, the colony will be doomed. There is fighting. Your ants prevail, the lock tumblers are moved into place, and you swing the door openā¦
To find Greg! In his room all along! Itās a trap! His cultists attack you! I mean, they canāt do much real harm, but it kind of hurts and itās super annoying. You order your ants to attack him, and they do, but he storms over and pours bleach down the colony entrance.
Now you and Greg are at war, and you both understand the unspoken rules to your fight. You canāt do things directly to each other, why, that would be assault. But anything you can get your ants to do is fine, becauseĀ āshe told the ants to do it to meā isnāt going to get very far with any authority figures that get involved.Ā
Later, nursing your anger, you confer with your few remaining ants and stare moodily at your new prize, the ant farm that came in the mail. Bullet ants donāt usually get along with sugar ants, but youāre betting they will if a god tells them to. Meanwhile, youāve got a laptop schematic to go over with your high priestess. Itās finals week, and if you time it right, heāll lose everythingā¦
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