NOT TAGGING SPOILERS FOR MY OWN SANITY. BEWARE. @pechikka's sideblog for fnf, ava/m, and other Zoomer Things Im Inexplicably Obsessed With As A 22 Year Old. my askbox and dms are always open to talk abt the characters, im perpetually insane about pico and the rest of the picos school crew & purple, green, the chosen one + the dark lord from ava. catch my ava and newgrounds fics as anemonic on ao3
Musings on Pico and Nene, written several years ago.
This is technically set on my monster/demonhunting AU, but I thought these were interesting and the closest I got to really cementing characterizations for this trio- unfortunately it seems I ran out of steam before I got to Darnell and now I can't for the life of me remember what his bit of this was supposed to be. In any case, under the cut is what I *did* manage to write. CW: pretty much the same dark subject matter that Pico's School covers except, you know, taken seriously. Also, HEAVY warning for discussion of nene's suicidal tendencies and ideation in specific.
the three survivors have like. impostor syndrome-based survivors guilt but in different directions
pico is very, VERY aware that, unlike what everyone assumes, he DIDNT survive because he was faster or smarter or more gifted at demonslaying than anyone else- he survived because cassandra deliberately spared him, because she apparently had a crush on him that he never actually noticed. so its twofold, the guilt of being spared through no action of his own without being more deserving of it than all those who died, but also because he has the constant feeling that he SHOULD have noticed and done SOMETHING.
like, originally when he realized these people were Literal Demons And Monsters he very quickly dehumanized them and kind of distanced himself from the notion of having killed four of his classmates, even if in self defense, but the more he learned about the actual mechanics of demons and such he ended up with the realization that actually, what happened was pretty much literally just a school shooting for very normal human teenage reasons, and the teens just so happened to be demons. so... it's not like he has any qualms about hunting or anything, in fact he thinks it's probably a good thing in hindsight that he no longer draws any morality lines between hunting monsters and just killing people, since oftentimes there isn't actually a clear line at all; but it does kind of fuck him up, the notion that if he had payed more attention to the weird emo kids, he COULD have reached out to them, cassandra at least. and because he's developed something of a weird hero complex, he feels like if he COULD have done something to prevent the shooting, but DIDN'T, that makes him directly responsible for what happened.
so that leaves him in this mindset of "the only reason i survived and no one else did is because i was in the position to stop the massacre in the first place, and didn't"
and that's his Big Secret, he has never actually told anyone about this. he just kind of lets people assume whatever they want to think about why he survived the initial shooting. even people implying he was actually the ONLY shooter just kinda rolls off his back. he's not really pressed about the bullshit people say about him, partly because nothing can make him feel worse than the actual truth he plans to take to his grave.
nene, on the other hand, pretty much just fully knows and accepts that she survived thanks to sheer coincidence, that's not a secret, she was in the bathroom when things went to hell and she stumbled across pico in the hallway, so that's just a well known Fact about the event.
her Big Secret, on the other hand, is that despite everyone assuming her depression and suicidal tendencies arose from the ptsd and survivor's guilt, she was actually already deep into suicidal ideation and had been distantly planning to kill herself far before the incident. in fact, begging pico to kill her was really more opportunistic than anything- obviously he not only Didn't Do That but ended up making himself out to be personally responsible for her safety troughout the years that followed.
nene feels like it's a cruel joke at her expense; her, idly fantasizing about death in class, while everyone around her would likely have done anything to survive; and yet, when death came, it left her untouched.
ironically, the more she recovers, the more it bears down on her as sheer guilt, where before it was mostly frustration. especially because she knows pico and darnell just assume she was perfectly fine before the shooting, that it's normal that she's so fucked up because she lived through something horrible. she feels like a liar and an idiot, that she's letting them think she has a Good Reason to be that way, when really she was ALWAYS Fucked Up for absolutely no real reason- she has a far more stable and supportive family and home situation than either of them, pico with his neglectful asshole parents and child of divorce darnell. there was nothing wrong with her life, but she wanted to throw it away; and worse even, that she had been childishly, selfishly upset that it would be that much harder to do so now, with the implicit responsibility to "live for the sake of those who can't anymore" and pico unsubtly fussing about her safety.
she knows full well that pico's got a Thing going on with needing to protect her and darnell, even if he doesn't really seem to realize the extent to which he does it- she knows HIS guilt is tied up with not having been able to save anyone. it's the reason he and darnell don't really talk anymore, but she kind of has to concede it's also part of the reason she never succesfully killed herself. not that darnell doesn't care about her, of course- he's just more prone to actually respecting whatever one wants to do with their lives, even if it leads you straight to self destruction. he'd be a hypocrite NOT to, she supposes.
pico is far less tolerant, though, in general and in specific. they get along well despite this, or maybe because of it; he doesn't stand for her self-destructive bullshit, and she doesn't take anything sitting down, so they have a very frank back-and-forth where they both know exactly where they stand with each other. and yes, pico's paranoia about her safety DID actually lead to him and darnell pulling her out of a bloody bathtub in time. even back then she had the presence of mind to be more grateful than annoyed.
still, that's her secret that she'll take to her grave, even if that grave awaits her many more years down the line than she'd once hoped for.
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I wonder if Victim even registers that he's re-living his bisection/erasure trauma. He's not trying to get away from an enemy this time, after all; he's trying to get to a loved one. And, at a certain point, dragging your whole body across the floor probably isn't much different from dragging half of it. It's probably not at the forefront of his mind in that moment.
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1.Incredible, deep and detailed narrative themes. The parallels that seem to hit just right, the narrative foils that they can be to each other, the intricate dynamic that's both extremely complex and easily understood. The juxtaposition between something that's harsh and undoubtedly toxic, with the softer undertones, the parts where you read in-between the lines and find a mutual feeling of loneliness from both parts, their intrinsic understanding of each other comes from the mere fact that they're each others mirrored reflections and shadows. In the end both sides will be together forever, and you as an audience can clearly see their tragedy laid out before in a path that blurs pure anguish and tender romance
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Messaging people for the first time is so hard. What am I supposed to say? Like, "You seem really odd and your blog intrigues me. Do you want to have philosophical conversations or perhaps talk about fictional characters?" What! Whatever. I will just follow you back and stare at your blog with my big beautiful brown eyes.
Reblog if you're okay with people coming into your DMs with the "you seem really odd and your blog intrigues me, do you want to have philosophical conversations or perhaps talk about fictional characters"
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i think as viewers we find it easy to sit back and judge each character until their motivations are explained to us in detail like with purple and king and chosen. even with victim its fairly easy to guess a portion of why she is doing this. and that's partially because avam is just made to be like that so all audiences can understand it and why the characters do what they do, and also partially because it's a little difficult to do more subtle storytelling when you can only express character feelings through their body language (and the body language has to be fairly exaggerated so that everyone can understand how the character is feeling).
so then as a result when we see green falling deep into the hole of social media it's easy to scoff and judge and say come on green, do better. we see it as him just getting too cocky again- look at green with his ego and his need to seem cool, he's sucking up to people again so he can get validation. and people understand that, they're even comparing his arc to purple, but they're forgetting to actually see things from his point of view.
like yeah. green was mean to yellow! and that was a kind of assholey thing to do, agreeing with people when they say yellow didn't do much. but like people do stupid shit all the time, especially to get approval. green hearting mean comments wasn't him on his villain arc, he probably barely thought about it. haven't you ever done anything without thinking or made a joke in bad taste. honestly it's a little ironic how quick people were to jump on him when he did something kind of mean, it reminded me of actual cancel culture! fascinating shit. we really are a part of the story.
anyways green started off as the weakest. he tries his best to be good at other things, first building, then music, but for some reason whenever he does well in something his friends get jealous or upset. (he pours himself into that thing and unintentionally ignore s or snaps at his friends--- its a repeating pattern at this point). it's mostly because their competitive spirit, something which is seen in a lighthearted manner but has gotten them killed or hurt on multiple occasions and i feel like they're going to have to address that at some point. whenever green sets boundaries, they're ignored, even if cg think they're just acting in the greater good.
hell, even purple, we've barely seen them interact after s3- who's to say purple wouldn't just scoff at him as well? she's already not very experienced with actual friendships (based on the way they just expected green to brush the betrayal off in parkour, they acted more like it was a small disagreement than a full on issue), so he may just assume this is how friends are.
basically the point of this is to say, no one ever celebrates his success. obviously he's competitive with his friends too, but having been at the bottom of the group from the start, he's visibly very insecure about this stuff, and having people attempt to kick him down during every success he gets (which he works very hard for) will lead to him needing validation from elsewhere. clearly, social media is supposed to give him this.
but like someone in the community pointed out, now he's appealing to hundreds of thousands of people instead of just 5 or 6. the praise is awesome, but seeing that people still have criticism of him just makes him throw himself into his work even more. it also probably functions as a form of escapism for him; he's so busy working, editing, writing, he barely even notices that his friends are avoiding him. it's possible he's purposely using youtube as a way to ignore his gut. anyways, blue's still willing to hang out and record with him, so what's the issue? (it's not as if blue is the least confrontational of the cg lol)
i have. been in this exact position. the moment you make anything, you're looking straight at the numbers. it becomes what you think of in the morning and during the creation process. you're skimming comments for keywords--- good, bad, more, less, etc. you listen even when you don't mean to. yeah maybe the guy was a little mean about one of my friends but ultimately it's just constructive criticism! it's not like she'll see this anyway. it's fine.
and yeah green needs to stop being so obsessive but i think he deserves to break down first. like what ash said--- he expresses his negative emotions the least out of everyone, he barely takes breaks, it's going to come crashing down. and i think when cg confront him about his behaviour he deserves to yell at them for the way he gets treated. it really hurts when all you are is the butt of the joke even when they mean it in a lighthearted way. if the arc just ends with green being knocked down a peg as usual, i will be very fucking upset because he's literally already at the bottom of the ladder, what more do you want?
Iâd be interested in seeing your evidence for Green being weakest in the beginning, did you look at the choreography? Iâm not disagreeing itâs just that Iâve seen people mention it a couple times now but they havenât shown proof and Iâd like to know. I think a while back someone mentioned it in the server but only to point out how after meeting Orange Greenâs fighting prowess seems to increase a lot.
[unorganized Green ramblings below]
It is interesting though, Iâm realizing that youâre right, Greenâs accomplishments arenât really celebrated, even by the framing of the story. Heck, it might not even start with the first building contest; arguably the very first AvM video (his second appearance) frames his windmill as overkill rather than impressive.
âŚyou know, as I typed that out Iâd been wondering why the others were so salty about him winning the first building contest when him winning every time obviously hadnât become an established pattern yet, but maybe itâs because they remembered the windmill. (Notably, Red is the first to start clapping for Green and also doesnât participate in the griefing; aside from spending most of the original video out of commission due to Herobrine, Red also arrived late on set and might notâve known that the windmill was Greenâs doing specifically.)
By the build battle episode I can understand everyoneâs saltiness; while Green isnât in the wrong for defending his title, he wasâŚnot being a graceful winner, shall we say. Plus, Green had won so often that the competition had become less about building and more about breaking Greenâs win streak (and givenâŚeverything about the robot incident Iâm guessing he was aware of this). Yes he earned his spot at the top, but from the perspective of the others whatâs the point of competing against someone who so heavily outclasses you? It was beginning to feel unfair. (And am I wrong or could this have easily been solved if they just. Dissolved the competition and let Green build? Or just made it a one-person challenge and suggest more and more complicated builds for Green? Like, the real problem was that the competition wasnât balanced. The problem wasnât with the competitor it favored. But they all acted like Green outclassing them was a problem with Green, when really itâs not Greenâs fault that the only available challengers are all at a lower level than him. And Green does put in the work every time; heâs not coasting. But in a way that makes it more unfair for everyone, including him. Heâs never meaningfully challenged. No one else is at a high enough level to push him, so heâs always the one pushing himself. Except for the robot incident, which I do feel was less about actually building a nice robot and more about trouncing Yellowâs attempt to rig the round against him.)
But the first building contest? That early? From the very beginning? (Maybe not the very beginning, but it was still the first competition.) Green being the best isnât celebrated. And this is after seeing that he struggled the most with his build during the competition, too. This one I feel is framed as a triumph for Green, and something to be celebrated and congratulated. But in-universe it isnât really. Why? Because it was too much better? Was the margin not narrow enough for the others to feel like theyâd been beaten fairly?
Something else to note: Yellow does ignite the TNT at the end of the first contest, but âpacifistâ Blue is the one who both provided and launched said TNT. Going on the visual component alone, Blueâs builds have always been the runner up to Greenâs in how closely they resemble the references. Itâs not surprising at all that Blue wins once Green is out of the running. But despite this, the margin is apparently still so wide that Blueâs builds donât even compare to Greenâs. Blueâs builds may receive acknowledgement and praise in every round, but Greenâs builds are so stunningly intricate that competition-wise itâs not even close; every round the others are taken aback by Greenâs builds to the point where itâs not even a question who the winner is. (And thatâs the thing, it should be a question. Itâs not fair that it isnât a question. They really shouldâve stopped there XD but maybe they didnât know better. Maybe they kept going because surely theyâd find something that one of the others could build better than Green eventually, another way in which they couldâve misidentified the source of the issueâŚbut as more competitions passed and Green accumulated more victories he grew cocky and the others grew bitter.)
After the build battle episode (which, I do want to note, is AFTER both the redstone academy episode and the note block battle episode, two more instances where people get competitive against Green specifically), there are no more building competitions. In fact I donât believe the sticks do anything competitive again until parkour, which we all now know was a ruse from the beginning.
Though it is interesting that Green is the one we see doing parkour the most after that episode; itâs been implied before that he has a proclivity for grappling (see the Lucky Block episode), so itâs not surprising that he would favor parkour movesâŚbut there isnât really any attention drawn to it, by himself or by the framing. Itâs something heâs really good at, but it doesnât seem to be something he prides himself on, like building or music. (Oddly enough the same could be said for Blue; right from his introduction in AvA4 Blue showed a tendency toward gymnastics, and his parkour style is notably different from the others. But, as with Green, it doesnât seem to be a skill Blue prides himself on.)
Regarding the note block battle, I do wanna say that Iâm fully on Greenâs side there. That wasnât meant to be a competition; Green was just vibing alone, and the other three intruded on his solo jam, and when he tried to set boundaries ah I was wondering what you meant there but I see it now okay the other three picked a fight with him and made it about who could play better music. Itâs the other three who make it into a competition, and Green doesnât get cocky and start showing off until they do. (DidâŚdid the other three think he kicked them out for not being good enough to join him? Guys it wasnât about that it was because you interrupted his me-time you were harshing the vibes and you still wouldâve been a disruption even if you were goodâ)
And yet despite this it feels like the note block battle happened in much friendlier spirits than the build battle? Despite my parenthetical in the paragraph above it really does seem like their issue this time wasnât Green outclassing everyone, it was that Green wouldnât let them play with him. It wasnât a question of prowess, they just wanted to participate in something theyâd all enjoyed together in the past and took Greenâs vibing as an invitation even though it wasnât. By engaging with them competitively, Green got to flex and the other three got to play music with him, so it was a win-win for everyone except Orange. (And then Orange won anyway despite not being involved. Which. Can we talk about how Orange is really good with music too? He improvised a woodwind arrangement of Pigstep after hearing the song once in the background of an active brawl. Not to mention he does this on a slide-whistle he crafted from bricolage. Thereâs also the angle thatâŚwe donât know how the staff works exactly, so, despite Green manifesting musical staffs in season 4âŚitâs possible that Orange is still the only one who can actually read music. @nyagrounds expressed to me once that the only reason Green is the undisputed best at music is because Orange doesnât care to try, and looking at all this Iâm thinking really hard about that right now.)
Then comes the note block universe, which isnât a competition but is where Green learns to sing, and is also a brilliant showcase of what my server friends and I have called Greenâs âcompletionism.â Greenâs attention to detail in various episodes (noticing the purple accents in the village, noticing the rocket logo, all the building competitions, building the set for the note block battle), Greenâs perfectionism and precision and the controlling tendencies they lend him, Greenâs self-motivated drive to keep pushing until he finds a way to what he wants, no matter what obstacles block his pathâŚthose all get shown in their best light here, in his pursuit of Purple. Because he may be angry, but heâs not chasing Purple down out of anger. Heâs chasing Purple down because he wants answers. Heâs not done with Purple. And far be it from Green to leave anything unfinished.
Green sees things through. No matter where that gets him. Here, it gets him a new talent, and a new understanding as well as a deeper connection with Purple. He wanted his friend back, and he did what he had to to get his friend back.
During the note block concert, he wanted his show back, and he did what he though he had to do to get his show back. And this one stings especially; much like note block battle, it wasnât supposed to be a competition. Someone else made it a competition, and a competition against Green specifically. Also much like not block battle, this competition arose because Green wouldnât let someone else play with him. But rather than interrupting Greenâs me-time, the silverfish interrupted Greenâs show.
The color gang were in the orchestra, with Green as both the conductor and the lead-soloist (and yes itâs egotistical and also just really unprecedented for him to be both but thatâs a different discussion). They had finally found a framework that was fair to everyone. Green got to be the best without the others being sour about it and without Green having to worry about his hard work being sabotaged. The others got to play with Green, without Green having to worry about his boundaries being breached, because they agreed to play his way. It shouldâve been a perfect night. It shouldâve been Greenâs night. This was gonna be the celebration of Greenâs skills that heâd been deprived of since the beginning of the series.
