souly had

if you ever lose your own two feet and find yourself alone without the aforementioned group of people, you will crumble. a good day will feel like nothing, and contentment will still make you want to kill yourself.

perhaps this is a telling that I'll never be enough, and that I’ll always be in constant competition, merely present out of convenience because I'm already here and easily accessible. maybe, I am as naive as I've always been told. I’m gullible to manipulation and gaslighting. I’m stupid, cos all I ever do is falling for lies. but I don't want this one to be a lie. I never have

what if, somehow, the universe is just telling me that I’m not the constant thought, that there will always be someone else? I try to be positive, trust me, I try. I try to always think of good and happy things, focusing on what I want to happen rather than what I fear might happen. but what if positivity consumes my thoughts entirely, leaving me unsure how to handle the negative things when it happen?

I guess, in a way, I anticipate the bad things so that when they happen, I’m already halfway through grieving.

"it's just a music festival," "it's just bali."

although nobody has said that, it's more than just a trip; it's the kind of recharge that i never knew i needed. i've learned that there are so many things to explore and feel happy about; this world is so vast. from the airplane up in the sky, god, we are just so small. our problems are temporary. life is great and can be fun. i used to hate change, and now all i want to do is change everything that i can while still making do with the circumstances beyond my control.

i'm only 23. i've survived all the bad days i've had; one more is not too bad. so working hard just so i could be free, albeit for a while, yeah, i'll keep looking forward to those.