back to my home

trigger warnings include: abuse, sexual abuse, verbal / emotional abuse, mentions of guns / shootings, sexual harassment, cheating, heavy usage of gendered slurs (c*nt and b*tch), extreme amounts of gaslighting and manipulation and guilt tripping, mentions of suicide, mentions of self harm, suicide baiting, ableism (especially of bpd and the demonization of people with bpd, gatekeeping disorders), racism (especially making asian stereotypes and asian fetishization, and antisemitism), fatphobia, mentions of pedophilia, brief mentions of rape. 

if i missed any triggers, please let me know. i tried to detail them all here.

please read this with caution, should you choose to. if you cannot at any point continue, please do not, for your own sake. i don’t want to trigger anyone or upset anyone. i just want to share my story and thank you to everyone giving me a chance to speak and hear me out.

** and please, raphael prefers they / them pronouns from people who are not mutuals with them. please respect that.

and once again please do not message them, or anyone else, on my behalf. just please do not. i am happy that anyone wants to defend me or any other victims, but please don’t. i don’t want any more problems and i am capable of speaking for myself.

here is the link to the google doc containing the callout. please reblog this post if you feel comfortable sharing. thank you.

it is extremely lengthy. there are A LOT of receipts. i can’t blame anyone for looking at this and feeling like it’s ridiculous for the length and i don’t expect anyone to actually look through everything that’s in there, but i ask that you give me a chance to hear me out on some of these things. i won’t have raphael or their friends slander me anymore or make up lies about me. i disprove all of their lies here. many of the links redirecting to imgurs or twitter posts are also extensive and long. i didn’t mean for things to get as long as they did but i’m wordy and just … raphael is genuinely so horrible and there was just. an immense number of things to unpack. i apologize.

this post is a long time coming and i am sorry this took so long and to drag it out this far. i struggle a lot with adhd and just managing my spoons but i finally got it done. this comes on the heels of my original posts i wrote here, but i finally finished the doc that is a culmination of that post and more, including things i posted on twitter and MORE things i hadn’t shared on twitter yet.

i truly didn’t want things to have to come this far but idk i didn’t have a choice anymore. raphael continued to lie and undermine me and continued to try to slander me to people and blame me and scapegoat me for things THEY did. i can not give them any benefit of the doubt at all. i cannot listen to ANYONE who tries to defend them saying that raphael wanted to genuinely say sorry to me because every step of the way, with them continuing to make up lies about me and show people out of context one-sided conversations as “gotchas” against me, they proved that they didn’t care and that they’re not sorry.

this is not meant to isolate raphael or push them out or whatever.

i don’t care if people are friends with raphael. what i do care about is accountability, and that’s something raphael has never known for all of these years. raphael has apologized for the events of the past callout, but i’ve since dug out proof that it was just performative and they didn’t mean it. so i’m not interested in their apologies either because i know it won’t be sincere.

all i am asking for is that raphael admits to being wrong and that they did abuse me and other people. that’s all. they don’t think they’re in the wrong so i know they won’t say sorry, but i just want acknowledgement. they abused me. they abused me for nearly four years. and for years, they twisted the narrative to their friends. my friends. so for years these people also pretended to be my friend and would shit talk me behind my back and share screenshots of my vents to raphael and listen to a one-sided story from raphael and not even ask me for my side. on one hand i can’t blame people because raphael has spent YEARS warping their perception of me with lies and manipulations and gaslighting them too but there’s only so much i can excuse. when i show people screenshots of the horrible way raphael spoke to me, i’m still/?? the aggressor? 

anyways i don’t know what else to write here. i’ve said so much as it is. i just want people to look critically at what raphael put me through for the last 4 years. i want raphael to evaluate their own actions and take responsibility for their actions. it’s not ok. what i went through was not ok. what everyone else went through wasn’t ok. i didn’t deserve this and neither did anyone else they abused or hurt.

my dms are open to anyone who wants to make a comment about raphael, close some old wounds, talk things out, etc. but anon is going to be disabled the second i get anything shitty. i don’t want to hear from raphael, ana, forza, or lazarus in my dms. the only thing i ever want to hear from any of these people are apologies and it better be publicly because i never want to open my messages to find they’ve block evaded me to harass me.

i just want raphael to admit they’re in the wrong and try to change and do better and take responsibility and hold themselves accountable for their actions but i don’t believe it’ll happen. raphael hasn’t changed at all over the years.

IF YOU ARE RAPHAEL’S FRIEND, please read this. please look through even any bit of this, especially anything with big long screenshot evidence. please be critical of who you’re friends with and the lies they’re feeding you and how they manipulate the narrative to slander me and anyone else who has fallen out with them. i am begging you to look at this. i do not care if you remain their friend. all i am asking of you is that you do not DARE try to tell me that raphael isn’t abusive or that they’re remorseful or sorry for anything they’ve done because they aren’t. they ARE an abuser. to deny that is to step on all of their victims and our experiences and the things we had to endure because of them. stay their friend all you want. i do not care. help them get better. all i am asking is that you SEE this for what it is and you don’t let them get away with it and you BELIEVE US. the victims. please.

Muslim Aid

International Rescue Committee

Women For Afghan Women

Afghan Aid