sorry

Game notes • How to Play

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With Lucifer always in his office, that also meant that you didn’t get to spend as much time with him as you wanted. You’d actually gone to hang out in his office, and those times were great. It was easier to talk to him than it normally was, and it gave you an excuse to make sure he was taking breaks and eating and all the good things. But even in those precious times, someone would come in with more work for him to do, or more forms he had to review and sign. It always seemed to kill the mood, and that smile of his that would show up would quickly disappear.

The hall seemed to stretch on forever, but you finally arrived in front of the door to your room. With a heavy sigh, you pushed the door open, heading straight for your desk, dropping your bag down beside the chair. You knew this was going to be a long night, and not even a single ounce of your being was looking forward to doing all this work. As you settled into your chair, you pulled out your various notebooks and textbooks, diving in and getting started.

Hours later, you decided it was time for a break. You were about halfway through with everything you had to do that night, but you knew you needed some sort of sustenance and water if you were going to keep going. Hopefully Beel hadn’t already cleaned out the kitchen, and maybe there would be a snack or two left for you. You stretched out your arms and legs, a few satisfying pops and cracks following the motions.

Quietly, you slipped out of your room and headed back down the long hallway, on your way to the kitchen. Before you headed to your destination, you wanted to check on Lucifer. You’d been working for awhile, and you really hoped that he’d decided to take a break, or maybe he’d stopped for the night. It was late anyway, and most of the other brother’s were asleep, with the exception of Levi. He’d told you he was waiting for a new sale that was starting tonight, and there was no way he would be sleeping until it was open.

When you stopped at the eldest brother’s office, you noticed that the door was cracked, but the music was still playing. A sign that he would be in soon, and you assumed he must’ve went to get something quickly, or maybe a bathroom break. A realization came to you that now was a chance to get him some water, because you were certain he hadn’t been properly hydrating.

You ran to the kitchen, making sure you were light on your feet so no one would hear your thundering steps. Snagging two bottles of water, you checked the cabinet, and it seemed you were in luck. There was a few snack options, and you grabbed your favorite of the options, then grabbed something you knew Lucifer would like. You hurried back to his office, feeling a bit like a spy on mission.

He still wasn’t back, and you walked into the room, heading straight for his desk. Papers were a bit scattered, his pen left on top of a small stack of documents. From the looks of it, he probably wouldn’t be stopping until the early morning with this amount of work. A sigh escaped your lips, and you went to set the water and snack on top of the papers, making sure he would see it. You noticed a stack of sticky notes nearby, and you grabbed one, placing it in front of the little refreshments you’d brought. Grabbing his pen, you wrote a little note.

“Don’t forget to have some water and food to keep you going. If you get a chance, please take a break, because you’re health is more important than the work.”

You signed your name at the bottom, adding a little heart. But, as you looked at it, you realized the heart was a bit forward. He could be coming back to his office at any moment, and you knew you didn’t have much time left. Somehow, you managed to turn the heart into a strange looking flower. Satisfied with your work, you put the pen back how you found it and ran out of his office, making sure you grabbed your own snack and water.

You made it back to your room unseen, and you took your snack break. It was more needed than you thought it was, because you seemed to be starving. The snack would be enough to hold you over, but you’d probably eat a little more at breakfast the next morning. Once you finished the snack, you walked back to your desk, setting the water down and getting back to work.

At some point during the night, you’d passed out on your desk. Notebooks sprawled out, papers scattered, pens on the floor but luckily your pencil stayed safe, just a few inches away from your hand. You woke with a start, an alarm you hadn’t realized you’d set blaring some annoying tune that you just had to turn off. When you finally succeeded in that task, you looked at the mess of things on your desk. Turns out you’d gotten more than you thought you had, and there were only a couple of assignments you would need to turn in late. Lucky.

You stretched out your hands, your back arching as you yawned, your body trying to wake up. It hadn’t been the most comfortable sleep, but at least it was something. As you were stretching out, you glanced down and you noticed a bright pink square. Next to the pink square, there was a water bottle, and what looked like some sort of food. Breakfast food. Wiping at your face, you blinked a couple times, waiting for your vision to clear up some. Then, you grabbed the note, bringing it to your face so you could read it.

“Thank you for the food and drink, and don’t worry, I took a break eventually. Looks like you could use some of the same. Don’t be late for class.”

The words were written in a fancy script, almost cursive, and it was very easy to tell that Lucifer had left it. There was even a small little flower drawn on the corner of the note. It made you smile, and you moved to eat your food and to get ready for school.

Neither of you ever really mentioned the notes to each other, it was just an unspoken thing between you. Each of you appreciated what the other had done, and it was almost like it was your little secret.

It started off as just that. Every now and then, you would leave a little note for Lucifer in his office. Most of the time, there was a bottle of water and a snack with it. Sometimes just the water, or sometimes it was just a little note for a check in. Usually, some sort of drawing accompanied it, of course, nothing with too much detail. Just a little something to maybe make him laugh or smile.

For whatever you’d left, he always gave you a note back. Even if it was just to say thank you. He’d leave them around your room, and sometimes, if he felt daring, even on your door.

This little passing of notes between you, it was almost like a game of tag, waiting to see if the other would leave something, waiting with anticipation to see how they would respond to whatever had been left. It was a wonderful little thing. So wonderful, that eventually, it became and everyday thing. You’d leave a little sticky note on his door, in his office, or just places around the House of Lamentation that you knew he would see. Most of the time, if you weren’t feeling super creative, you would just write hello in different languages, or maybe leave him random facts about yourself. The facts were his favorites, and you didn’t know, but he always saved the notes in one of his drawers.

Lucifer was walking to his office, and when he reached the door, he noticed a little blue square, just right above the door handle. He smiled, going to pull it off of the door to look at it closer.

“Out of all the stars, my favorite has to be the morning star”

The little compliment made him flush, and he quickly went to his office, going to put the note in the little drawer. He sighed, sitting down in his chair, leaning back as he spun a little bit as he thought.

He would never admit just how much your little notes meant to him, but he absolutely loved to read them. It made his heart swell with pride, and a little something else, too. The messages you left them, no matter how strange or weird, he found them wonderful and adorable. Even if it was just some random fact that taco cat is the same spelled backwards or forwards.

With each little note, he could feel himself slipping more and more into these little feelings for you. It had started off as a simple little crush, and then you actually took the time to check up on him, make sure he was pacing himself while he worked, also making sure that he was caring for his health. Just showing that sort of care towards him, it made him feel something a little stronger for you than just his little crush.

He sighed, rubbing his temple as he sat in thought. He hated not being able to do anything about these feelings for you, just keeping them trapped in his head and in his heart. It frustrated him, the fact that his thoughts kept wandering to you, knowing that he couldn’t act on them.

Wait a second... why couldn’t he act on them? He is Lucifer, the Avatar of Pride. He’s the oldest, he’s well respected, hardworking... so couldn’t he act on these feelings? Let you know that he wanted to hang out, more than just leaving these little notes between you? Of course he could.

He went to stand up, his brain determining that he should just talk to you, but then he stopped. Something about it didn’t feel right, and what would he even say? Slowly, he sat back down in his chair, now lost in his own thoughts. How was he supposed to do this? Lucifer’s eyes began to wander, and he settled on a sticky note pad.

It was almost as if a lightbulb had went off over his head, moving to grab the pad so he could begin writing. The perfect way to do this would be through your own little communication system, wouldn’t it be? This definitely felt like it was the right way. He took his time, elegantly writing out his little message. He looked it over, shook his head, and threw it out. Starting over, he wrote it out again, workin the phrase just a bit differently. Turns out, he didn’t like it any better. Writing this note for the third time, he made another few adjustments. This continued for about half an hour, until he finally crafted the perfect note.

Lucifer waited and then left, going to your room. He knew you weren’t back just yet, probably out with one of his brothers. He quickly slipped in, going to leave the note on your desk. There was no need to spend too much extra time in here, so he left relatively quickly, going to find something to do so that he wouldn’t think about the time. Now, he played the waiting game, feeling the anticipation of when you would see his note, wondering how you would answer it.

You came home a little while later, laughing as you walked back in with Mammon. He’d needed you to come along with him today to some sort of important event, but it turned out that the event was rescheduled or something, so the two of you just ended up hanging out together for a little while.

Once you could escape to your room, you flopped down on the bed, sighing as you relaxed into the soft material. It had been a bit of a long day, and you closed your eyes, just resting for a moment.

You woke up from your accidental nap, sighing as you sat up, just waiting for your body to truly wake up. When you finally did, you stood up and walked over to your desk, intending to start working on your other assignments or at least map out what you needed to do. That’s when a small pink square caught your eye, and you picked it up to read it.

“If your free, what would you think about dinner tomorrow? Just the two of us, at 7:00?”

The little question made you smile, and you held the note close to your chest. So he’d finally asked. You were bursting with excitement as you went to write on your own sticky note, your handwriting sloppy but still legible. You underlined what you’d said, and this time, you’d added the little heart. But it was under an exclamation point, so you could just play it off.

Nearly sprinting down the hall, you almost knocked over Mammon in your rush. But that didn’t matter, you could apologize later. You were just wanting to make it to Lucifer’s office as quickly as you could. Finally, you reached your destination, grinning to yourself as you realized he wasn’t in his office. You placed the note right in the middle of his desk, so that there was no doubt he would miss it, and then you dashed back out of the room. Now, you were headed to Asmo’s room, hoping he could piece together some outfit for you to wear.

Lucifer was riddled with nerves when he made it back to his office, sighing as he closed the door. He hadn’t really been able to focus since he’d left the last note, and it certainly didn’t help that you hadn’t answered yet. He knew you were back from RAD, because he’s heard you and Satan talk as you came in. Hours had passed, and still nothing. Was that your way of saying no? Surely, you’d tell him if you weren’t interested.

He sat down in his chair, reaching to grab a pen so that he could attempt to start on some paperwork, hopefully get through a few stacks, when something caught his eye. It was bright yellow, no mistaking that it was a sticky note. Lucifer’s heart pounded in his chest as he peeled it up, going to take a closer look at what it said. When he read it, a smile came to his face, followed by a quick breath of laughter. Just with a few simple words, you eased all his anxiety from the past few hours, almost making him forget them completely. He tucked the note away in his drawer, just smiling and overall pleased. He couldn’t wait.

“It’s a date!”

It’s been irking me that people continue to dismiss Laito’s complex character, and act like he enjoyed the abuse he suffered by Cordelia from childhood until she died.

Intro

In Laito’s case, he was sexually abused from childhood on. It is confirmed he was sexually abused, however at which age it started isn’t clear. It is implied that it started when he was very young. The abuse led to his hyper sexual behavior, and his facade.

Here is a little quote from Laito vs Ayato CD Track 6 that hints at Laito’s abuse beginning very early:

_______________________________________________

Laito: Ah, that is true. When we kids Ayato-kun, Kanato-kun and I shared one bed when sleeping.

Ayato: That is a story when we were Su-per small though. Also,

Laito: hmm

Ayato: You weren’t even there 9 out of the 10 times.

Laito: So you knew Ayato-kun.

Ayato: …

_______________________________________________

Victims of sexual abuse can become hyper sexual as a response to the intense trauma they’ve received. Laito is a perfect example of this. As I researched more and more, I realized that all of these indicators are things Laito has displayed.

Laito has been taught that sex is love, and has been shown that women want sex. He grew up thinking that he was worth no more than what his body could do. The only time his mother gave him attention was when she decided to be sexual with him.

Hyper sexual behavior for Laito is his outlet for dealing with what happened to him. He masks his feelings of loneliness, being defiled, and sadness with sex. During the ‘healing’ period, that Laito is stuck in, victims revisit the event that happens whether it be consciously or not. A feeling of being terrified or excited replaced the numbness he may feel.

Laito is hyper sexual and forces himself on women, and is turned on by their resistance. He is reliving the things that have happened to him in this way. In victims who were without nurturing parents or support, these intrusive behaviors may be seen. We know that Laito was the one punished by his father when Karl found out about his relationship with Cordelia. He was given no support and treated like it was his fault. Laito acts like he enjoyed it and wanted it because that is how he was treated. He gets a burst of emotion from his sexual acts as a form of relief of his trauma.

Laito had no emotional support growing up. His mother was busy with men, and his father wasn’t in the picture. As he grew up he was treated as though he was older than he was; being used for sex, and punished as though his abuse was his fault, like he could stop it. His mother manipulated him from the very beginning. She taught him that his only purpose to her was for sex. He was her ‘get away.’ Laito grew up watching Kanato and Ayato having their own roles as Cordelia’s sons, and probably saw his role as her ‘lover.’ Cordelia took advantage of Laito’s desperation for motherly attention.

How does Laito say he feels?

In the drama cd Ayato vs Laito, Laito says that he was defiled. He tells Ayato that Ayato is pure like snow, and is very innocent. Laito has feelings that his body is dirty, and no longer his because it reacts in uncontrollable ways even when he doesn’t want it to; like in moments when Cordelia was abusing him. The feeling of being dirty or slef-blame is a long term effect of abuse. Laito was touched starved already and depraved of all healthy contact. The only contact he got was sexual, and his personality formed around that. He learned to seek out sexual touch because that is all he was ever taught.

Personality Development

Because he was so young and his personality was developing, his sexual trauma impacted him immensely. As a child his cognitive systems were still developing, and his early exposure to sexual events reshaped how he developed. His personality formed around sexuality because he was exposed to it too early. His facade was a result of him coping with the repeated trauma suffered. It was created to protect him from the trauma, and helped him deal with what he felt.

In childhood the brain is very sensitive to situations and change. Childhood is the time period in which children’s brains are forming synaptic connections. Laito’s brain was constantly making these synaptic connections around the trauma he received. His brain was, and still is, wired around sexual events. The repeated abuse left his brain wired to deal with sexual abuse. His brain never made connections with many other things. Even if he can logically say what he does is wrong, his brain isn’t wired to think any differently.

During early adolescence (about early teens) the brain gradually gets rid of connections made that aren’t needed for survival. Because Laito was still suffering from this abuse around the time his brain was meant to get rid of certain unneeded connections, it’s possible that his brain got rid of what we’d consider ‘healthy’ connections to store more survival connections. His ‘survival connections’ are those that formed when he was being abused. The ones that tell his body what to do, what to feel, and how to react in order to keep himself safest. A major effect of these connections made through abuse is the overreactive amygdala, which is the brains fear processing circuit. This results in his impulsivity and heightened sense of fear. Since he’s always on edge because of the heightened sense of fear, he expresses himself strongly.

His ‘Facade’

He becomes routine in his sexual behaviors. He is able to be sexual without having any true attraction towards the person. As seen in the anime, he pursues Yui without being romantically attracted to her, if at all.

Laito is depersonalized in the sense that his hyper sexual behavior has become his personality. It’s an act he keeps to avoid facing his true feelings. His dissociation and depersonalization serve as means to keep himself not too directly dependent on a person. His created personality allows him to appear cheerful, unbothered, and sexual. His dissociation and hyper sexual acts allow him to ‘forget’ about his traumatic memories, and have control over them. His personality is seen in fragments as part of his dissociation caused by sexual trauma.

It is seen that Laito gets really upset when Shu questions his ‘act,’ saying that he’s not really a pervert. Laito takes this as a personal attack and becomes really combative because the loss of his ‘act’ or people seeing his act will force him to face his feelings of depression from his trauma. To him it’s losing the little power over himself, and his image he has. By forcing himself on others he is basically revisiting his trauma, but controlling it. His chronic obsessions with sex are a relief of his sadness. Hyper sexuality is an effect of childhood sexual abuse. He was also seeing a lot of Cordelia’s promiscuous behaviors from a very young age.

In the scenes where Laito has thoughts about Cordelia, they’re normally in forms of nightmares. He always seems hesitant when Cordelia seeks him out. She comes to him in states of desperation, and he can tell she’s using him to rid her bad feelings. He seems to know that he’s being used, but doesn’t know how to stop it. Rather, he thinks it’s normal and tells himself it’s love. He doesn’t know where he is in their relationship anymore. His mother isn’t his mother to him. She seeks him out like he’s an ex lover that she still desperately manipulates. When she seeks him out it’s normally out of desperation and sadness. Her expressions are as though she herself is trying to forget something.

He asks Yui in the anime if she knows how it feels to love someone so much you hate them. He really loved Cordelia, but realized how wrongly she treated him. He’s still coping with the wrongs she did. It happened for hundreds of years. Laito still has zero healthy support, and is dealing with his emotions in his own way. His behaviors have been going on for years and years. They’re engrained in him.

ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ

I commend you if you’ve made it this far!

I will most definitely do a more.. well structured post on the structure of his brain vs that of a ‘normal’ person. It’s really sad to see how badly he was impacted, and how he can’t escape the ‘loop’.... all of the brothers stories are really sad. I don’t know a lot about them yet, but I can pair them with some likely diagnosis.