a girl

saturday, june 20th 2026

it's been a while lol. i guess i was just feeling uninspired. when i started this page i wanted to push myself to write everyday, but obviously that hasn't happened. i think maybe i just need to start going to therapy.

i think that it could really help me.

i think the biggest thing that's still bothering me in loneliness. I still haven't seen my best friend N, and today she told me she fell and broke her back. i know that the next however long is going to be very challenging for her mentally and physically, and i wish that i could be by her side. i love her so deeply, and want nothing but the best life for her.

i've been trying to do more recently. i'll go to work and then come home and swim, but the days that i don't work i find it hard to do anything but lay in bed. i find that i have become completely unmotivated to do things that i used to love. i think that weed has become a crutch, because it makes life feel less hard. i feel less lonely, or atleast more at peace with my solitude. my parents are often away and my brother isn't home much so it really is just me alone most of the time.

i've been trying to smoke less, but honestly sometimes i just get so bored and get high just so something is slightly different feeling. i can't really pin down why i have come to enjoy being high so much.

i think that my smoking habits worry by best friend V, and i want to do better for her.

today i went on a 2 mile walk and swam for an hour. it felt nice to just be alone with myself in a place that wasn't my house. i think i do fine being alone as long as i'm not at home. i think that i'm going to try to push myself to be outside, either walking or swimming, for atleast 45 minutes a day. or maybe on days that i don't work.

any advice for cutting back smoking would be cool. i'm thinking about getting a nicotine free vape as an alternative so i can still hit something but not get high.

best

thursday, may 28th 2026

recently i've been thinking about how lonely i am. i think i've always been a lonely person, which is not to say that i don't have any friends. i just think that despite my lovely friends, i'm very lonely.

sometimes i wonder if the loneliness is a man-made thing. if i, a college girl, am manufacturing my own loneliness. other times i think that it is because the people i surround myself with aren't the kindest, at least not to me. i know the girls i'm friends with are kind because i can see it in the way that they treat each other. the way that despite all of us being home for the summer they make time to see each other. i'm just never invited. it makes me feel lonely.

my best friends, V and N are both wonderful. V has a hard life, but despite it she makes time to see me. i love her. N lives in a new state, so i haven't seen her this summer. i need to call her more often. these girls are not like my other friends. i know that they value me, and that they care.

i think my hope for this page is that it will provide me a space to "speak" out-loud what i cannot in real life. i can hide behind a pretentious username and share my real feelings. i hope it will function like a journal. maybe people will see it, maybe people won't.

best