Untitled

I am not going to say that I am stable. I feel more stable than I have my entire life...yet there are certain circumstances that bring me back to places I don’t want to be. 

I am not going to say that I am okay. I feel more okay than I have my entire life...yet at a certain time of day, most days, I still want to sleep until it all goes away.

I am not going to say I feel loved. I feel like I should feel more loved now than ever before...yet I still feel as though not a single soul truly could. 

I am not going to say I am not a burden, I feel like I should know by now that I live every second trying to not be that...yet I still understand that I need to rely on people. 

I am not going to say that I am not broken. I feel as though I am not...yet all my sense direct me in another direction. 

I am not going to say I am suicidal. Because I am not. Or at least SIGNIFICANTLY less so than ever before. I feel more desire towards living...yet I still have all of this shit piling up in my brain. 

I am not going to say that I should be doing more. Because I’m doing all I can...yet why does it not feel like it’s enough.

I am not going to say that I’m not proud of myself for getting through everything I have. Because I have gotten through a lot...yet, I don’t feel as though I am actually through. 

I am not going to say that life is going to get easier. Because I learned at a very young age that I am not allowed happiness...yet, I long for those fleeting moments. 

I am not going to say anything. Because I have learned to stay silent...yet, why do I long to scream so?

I am not going to disappear like I want. Because you need me….yet I struggle with needing myself.

I am not going to rely on you. Because you need me...yet, who will hold me as I hold you.

I am not going to give myself care. Because all my energy goes to you...yet how long will I last.

I am not going to love myself. Because you could never love me...yet I believe you could.