#latenightwrites

I am not going to say that I am stable. I feel more stable than I have my entire life...yet there are certain circumstances that bring me back to places I don’t want to be. 

I am not going to say that I am okay. I feel more okay than I have my entire life...yet at a certain time of day, most days, I still want to sleep until it all goes away.

I am not going to say I feel loved. I feel like I should feel more loved now than ever before...yet I still feel as though not a single soul truly could. 

I am not going to say I am not a burden, I feel like I should know by now that I live every second trying to not be that...yet I still understand that I need to rely on people. 

I am not going to say that I am not broken. I feel as though I am not...yet all my sense direct me in another direction. 

I am not going to say I am suicidal. Because I am not. Or at least SIGNIFICANTLY less so than ever before. I feel more desire towards living...yet I still have all of this shit piling up in my brain. 

I am not going to say that I should be doing more. Because I’m doing all I can...yet why does it not feel like it’s enough.

I am not going to say that I’m not proud of myself for getting through everything I have. Because I have gotten through a lot...yet, I don’t feel as though I am actually through. 

I am not going to say that life is going to get easier. Because I learned at a very young age that I am not allowed happiness...yet, I long for those fleeting moments. 

I am not going to say anything. Because I have learned to stay silent...yet, why do I long to scream so?

I am not going to disappear like I want. Because you need me….yet I struggle with needing myself.

I am not going to rely on you. Because you need me...yet, who will hold me as I hold you.

I am not going to give myself care. Because all my energy goes to you...yet how long will I last.

I am not going to love myself. Because you could never love me...yet I believe you could.

Maaaan, my feet hurt so bad it's not even freaking funny. Like I need a massage some kinda bad.

Tbh that's the probley the only thing I miss about my ex husband ...

But I don't miss every thing else. The bullshit. ✌.

I'm so fucking exhausted and just waiting for this load of laundry to be done so I can put it in the dryer and do a mental clock out.

This bitch needs a vacation.

Cold like this midnight weather

Tears won’t fall

They only reach the edge

I can still taste your kiss

Will it ever feel the same though after 9pm on Thursday

It’s unknown to me

Everything feels unknown

I wasn’t careful. Despite dealing with it for years, I’ve never been able to kill it. All I’ve been able to do is to tame it, cage it and chuck it to the deepest darkest corner I could find. But now it’s back. Bigger and stronger than ever. “You’ve been through worst.” I keep telling myself, but that’s not true is it? Every time I think I’ve defeated it, it hadn’t even breathed its last breath, and yet I breath my sigh of relieve thinking it was gone. It was never gone. Hiding in the shadows as I enjoyed my time in the sun, as I finally came to be free. Just waiting for that moment. One moment. That’s all it took to bring me back down to where I began, back into the darkness, back to reliving the pain. I did not believe it when I saw it. “I allowed it to happen.” I ignored the signs - and there were many. I was too occupied trying to make the best of my time in the sun that I forgot to prevent it from coming back. Just as I caged it away the first time, it now has me caged. I was not ready, I spent 5 years celebrating the ‘death’ of it, not one moment spent preventing it from coming back. “I’ve done this before, I can sure as hell do it again.” I repeat this every single day to keep me sane. No evidence of past wars, no other has seen the scars, and not one soul knows of the ongoing battle. “It has never defeated me before.” It was close call many times, but it has never succeeded. I was never defeated, but I never did succeed in killing it either. “Does it die? Do I have what it takes to kill it?” I don’t know. All I know is that it’s back. It’s back and I’m scared, but battle it I will. This will either make or break me. With a body already full of cracks, it may be my last stand.

“No. It can’t be. It learnt.”