Thoughts

Too tired to care. It's the final-exams time of the year. I've been preparing a whole year for this exam but.. Can I just say that instead of preparing me, it has exhausted me entirely? (well maybe entirely is an overstatement) Really though, I really don't care anymore. Sure, there are occasional waves of "omgh what am I doing my future depends on this". But other than that... It's mostly "ergh let's just finish this so I can do nothing and sleep". I feel like I'm so lazy and being so irresponsible of the education that has been given to me on a silver platter. Not only that, I'm so tired of also comparing. Comparing my grades and kind of placing my worth in it. My friends are doing so well and seemingly flying through it yet here I am struggling and I think, "am I stupid?" But I'm not. I know I'm not. But doesn't mean I don't feel inferior to my friends. All in all. I'm tired. And I just want it to end.

I have realized over the years that I have something called a God-filter over my thoughts. You know in the heat of the moment and when your head is filled with thoughts that reflect your raw emotion? Many people act on it. They soak up all those thoughts and believe in it; they speak it. But I'm different. Many times I find myself having these negative thoughts but it doesn't get filtered down for me to soak up. It gets caught up and something always tells me, no, that's not true. Your raw emotions are sending lies to your head. Or, if I want to post or say something in my anger, somehow I just can't. God corrects me midway. And I think that "God-filter" is a great blessing. However, many of my friends don't have this. And I've been starting to realize how great a struggle it is for them to filter their thoughts and to dismiss the lies. Perhaps then I'm meant to be that filter for them then.

All I do is study. Where's the fun in life.

And if there’s anything I know about myself, it’s that I’m a jumbled mess of nonsensical thoughts.