Tall Lady Who Game

Re-watched Strange Magic with my roommates (ones first time). I just.... really love this movie. It’s such stupid fluff.

And I keep thinking of how proud I was of my Marianne cosplay I threw together in a week for SDCC in 2015.

My depression and anxiety have been the worst the past few weeks. I’m in the process of taking a medical leave from work because I haven’t been able to complete a shift without a panic attack for no apparent reason. Working with my psychiatrist and going to see my therapist next week. Self care will be a key theme the next few weeks. It sucks though because I know I’ll be okay but it doesn’t stop the emotional instability and anxiety-induced chest tightness. The feeling of being unable to control this is devastating. I want nothing more than to be a self-sufficient human being capable of getting the things done that I want to and need to.

I have amazing friends. I have a wonderfully supportive family. I have co-workers and managers who care about me and want me to get well. I’m incredibly lucky, but depression is that thing that makes you feel like you’re letting these people all down. I’m trying. I’m doing my best to stay strong. As humans, we all experience this, some to larger degrees.

Finding things I enjoy to fill my time has been a little difficult, because depression makes you not want to enjoy things that you love. I have a cat who I think feels this and has been very lap-cat and cuddly lately which helps (he just crawled into my lap and curled up just now). 

I have to say though, I’ve found a bit of solace in the gaming community, especially Overwatch and Fortnite. Overwatch over the past year plus has been a godsend almost. I’ve got some good friends to play with, and it’s just a fun game and while there’s some toxicity in the community (as with most things), it’s been absolutely amazing. And I cannot say enough about the Overwatch League broadcast crew, players, and fans. It’s been so amazing getting to interact with them and tweet about the matches and see these amazing players play at such a high caliber. It’s been a while since I’ve felt so at home in a fandom and it’s amazing to be a part of this community (especially with fellow Outlaws, Gladiators, and Valiant fans on twitter). Watching the players who stream on Twitch has introduced me to a new way to interact and an amazing feeling.

And then there’s Fortnite. I started playing it with some of my Overwatch friends and then I found some streamers that help me feel better and keep me entertained. Shoutout to ValkyRae and Tim the Tatman especially for being entertaining and fun to watch, as well as very interactive with their chats. You guys have helped me out more than you know.

When finding things to focus on and make me feel happy has been hard, having these few things has been incredibly helpful. I’ll literally be in my bed and feel a panic attack coming on and being able to focus on watching someone streaming and playing a game has been a way to help me breathe a little better. Growing up I played Mario and such games, but it wasn’t until college that I started playing MMOs and getting into gaming. Even if it came in later in life, I’m incredibly thankful for these games and things coming into my life.