Star Wars everything

I NEED THIS SO FUCKING BAD!

Jesus imagine Obi-Wan being stuck undercover and dealing with the combination of “am I about to get killed for my own murder” and “Anakin is working with Darth Maul THIS IS NOT FINE”

Also the galaxy would never recover from the team of Maul and Anakin.

Anakin strangling someone for information and maul having to step in like JEEZ tone it down a notch, info first THEN murder you absolute train wreck of a person

at a certain point Obi-Wan is just genuinely fleeing for his life

cad bane has dropped him because he’s ‘too much of a liability’ - there’s almost no chance of pulling off the original mission

‘if I actually die because of this i’m going to be SO MAD’ he thinks, narrowly backflipping out of a building an incoherently screeching Anakin collapsed on top of him only to run directly into incoherently screeching Maul

gets cornered and cannot keep up the fight while fully maintaining cover

can’t break cover cause fucking MAUL is there

force snatches his lightsaber back just to survive the fight and escape (because of course Anakin is carrying Obi-Wan’s lightsaber around)

Maul & Anakin: OH MY FORCE GODS HE’S A SITH THAT’S HOW HE WAS ABLE TO KILL OBI-WAN

Bane, watching from the shadows, reports this all to Dooku

Ironically, up until this point Dooku was convinced that Hardeen was Obi-Wan in disguise, as part of one of the Chancellor’s overly elaborate schemes to destroy Skywalker’s already tenuous grip on sanity

but NOW he’s convinced that Obi-Wan is actually dead because:

a) obviously if he was actually Kenobi he would have told Skywalker at this point (what with the very near murder and bane abandonment).

b) of course his master was training another apprentice.

c) of course the first thing he would have his apprentice do is kill Kenobi- so typical.

d) Sidious’ seemingly nonsensical scheme now makes sense- he wants Hardeen to eliminate Dooku, neatly clearing the board of all major players

Obi-Wan (bleeding) to council: we’ve GOTTA tell Anakin PLEASE

Council: Are you crazy? He’s working with a SITH lord! You are FORBIDDEN from telling him anything- just lay low for a bit.

(Obi-Wan is having a very bad time in this au)

Fortunately! After this Dooku directly contacts Hardeen to hire him, skipping the other applicants! So that’s good! Right!

Maul and Anakin deduce that Sidious must behind Obi-Wan’s death - Maul doesn’t know Palpatine’s identity but has a ton of clues so they end up side-questing to find the Sith Master because obviously Hardeen’s just a pawn

(They still wanna kill Hardeen tho)

First off, Obi-Wan takes a page from Qui-Gon’s book and finally starts ignoring the Council. (Obi-Wan is happy to die for a cause, especially something noble like peace or justice. This, however, is not a cause. This is a clusterfuck, and it’s one the Council threw Anakin into.) Whenever the council tries to check in, he says he’s busy. When he finally can’t avoid them he stays on the call for all of three seconds before he pretends that space dust is causing interference, oh dear, I suppose we won’t be able to have a nice long chat about how my apprentice teamed up with a Sith lord because of all of you. What? Me, stomping on the commlink? That must just be the space dust. Oh, well, goodbye, see you in a year or so.

Next on Obi-Wan’s agenda, tell Anakin that he’s alive so that Anakin doesn’t go teaming up with any more Sith Lords. This involves an extremely complex plan that hinges on three things: One, Anakin being easily led away from a partner, even when numbers would give him a clear leg up. (This, Obi-Wan isn’t worried about. Anakin is easily distractible. Especially when there’s lightsabers involved.) Two, Maul not following. (This will be a little more difficult, but he’s reasonably sure he can rig a trap for Maul. It shouldn’t be too hard to short out his ridiculous legs.) Three, no one else interfering. (Obi-Wan doesn’t even consider that this might be a problem. After all, who’s going to get in the middle of a bunch of force-users swinging lightsabers around? (I am sure that you are laughing, because I am laughing, because we know what’s about to happen. Poor, poor, Obi-Wan does not.))

Because Obi-Wan’s life is terrible (infinite sadness, everyone he loves is doomed, etc. we all know the drill) the plan does not go according to plan. (As many clever people through all of human history have pointed out, it’s a deeply bad idea to have a plan that relies on several things happening perfectly in short succession. This, however, is Star Wars, so not a single person, hero or villain, has ever gotten the message.)  

Phase one, short out Maul’s legs, goes perfectly. Phase two, get Anakin away from Maul, also goes perfectly. Phase three, have no one interfere while Obi-Wan explains everything to Anakin, does not. 

Why? Because oh, look, there’s another Sith who’s shown up to party! His name is Dooku, he’s wearing custom-designed space prada, and he’s ready to kill a bitch.

(For the record, this is all taking place in an abandoned factory that has star wars-typical non-OSHA catwalks over, let’s say… a radioactive sludge river? You know. For the drama.)

At this point you have: Obi-Wan, who is pretending to be Rako Hardeen, who Anakin, Maul, and Dooku all think is a secret Sith, Anakin, who is in theory still a Jedi, but who’s been around Maul long enough to start using the dark side liberally, Dooku, who is a fallen Jedi that some might consider a Sith and some might argue is just a fallen Jedi, and Maul, who was certainly at one point a Sith, but is now in a sort of grey area, all in one room.

Let me clarify that for you: You have, from a certain point a view, either four sith, no sith, or any number of sith in between all in the same room. And no one is quite sure what is going on. What they do know? They’re ready to get their murder on. (Except for Obi-Wan, of course, who dearly wants a nap. Poor thing. His life can and will still get worse.)

“Wait!” Obi-Wan says as all three debatably-Sith turn their blades on him. “I’m Obi-Wan!”

Anakin and Dooku, who would know that accent anywhere, both sigh deeply— in relief, and in utter exasperation. Maul, who may not know that accent, but certainly knows how to read a room, knows what to do: he lunges at Kenobi. Unfortunately for him, his legs are still… wobbly, and he trips and falls on his face. Cue Maul’s gay ‘KENOBIARGHH’ scream. Cue Dooku getting the hell out of there, but not without a lecture to Obi-Wan and Anakin about comportment and stupid plans. Cue Anakin trying to capture Dooku and it going badly.

as stated above and as per star wars laws this confrontation MUST take place on non-OSHA compliant catwalks, preferably inside a chemical warehouse. Thus, when Anakin does his dramatic robe drop it lands in radioactive sludge, igniting in a pillar of fire, symbolizing something while also looking SICK AS FUCK.

Obi-Wan and anakin are dueling it out over acid catwalks that should DEFINITELY HAVE BETTER RAILINGS BUT DO NOT.

Obi-Deen: “Wait! There’s something you don’t know!” Anakin: “No, There’s something you don’t know!”

Dooku steps out dramatically from a cloud of smoke, dropping his robe only for it to SHATTER below in an icy vat of space liquid nitrogen (AGAIN SUPER SYMBOLIC AND RAD). Unbeknownst to Obi-Wan, Dooku had landed shortly before, teaming up with Skywalker and Maul to eliminate the mutual sith threat, to everyone’s distaste, but ESPECIALLY Obi-Wan’s. 

Obi-Deen, with Obi-Wan accent and Hardeen’s gravel: “For FUCKS sake Anakin, Dooku? Honestly, now you’re working with DOOKU?!” Anakin, blinking: “Wait…you…” Obi-Deen, muttering under his breath: “Two weeks. TWO WEEKS and he teams up with Maul and DOOKU. Unbelievable, Anakin, I don’t know why I try.” Anakin:  Anakin: “Repeat That“ Dooku: “Come now, Skywalker, not getting cold feet are we?” Anakin: “Shut up, just SHUT UP a second! Hardeen tell me- tell me to do my laundry!” Dooku: and…he’s lost it. wonderful. Obi-Deen: “I can already TELL its far too late for that- I can smell your atrocious leather pants over the sulfuric acid. Honestly Anakin, how many times must I tell you, you do have to wash those.” Anakin, gesturing dramatically with lightsaber while a pillar of acid erupts nearby: “They’re LEATHER you don’t have to wash LEATHER” Obi-Deen, shouting over wailing alarms as a fire suppression system activates, smoke swirling: “Yes, yes DO- COLD WATER, COLD WATER, ANAKIN! I EVEN BOUGHT YOU THAT SPECIAL SOAP!” Anakin: “IT SMELLS WEIRD”

Dooku:  Dooku: what have i waked in on

Dooku, outloud: “Skywalker, I take it you… know this lowlife.” Anakin, hysterical: “I THOUGHT I DID BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG” Obi-Deen, also hysterical: “Yes, I’m the lowlife here”

EVENTUALLY, FAR, FAR LONGER THAN IT SHOULD TAKE DOOKU: “Unbelievable.”

Obi-Deen: ”Yes, well-” Dooku: “Unbelievable, then this entire plan…this cunning plan that my master devised…was, in truth, created for the sole purpose of upsetting SKYWALKER. I- does he KNOW how much time i’ve WASTED on this nonsense. How much MONEY.” Obi-Deen: “…I’m sorry, what?” Dooku: “CAD BANE does NOT come cheap, he must know that.” Obi-Deen: “What was that about Anakin?”

enter Maul: “KENOBIARGHH” Maul: falls over inadequate railings, lands robot feet first in acid, begins slowly melting.

Shoots lightening outta his T. rex arms

anakin's political opinions, further laid bare: less talk, get going. and we all saw what the senate was like in TPM: the trade federation somehow has a senator, committee after committee, it IS ineffectual and inefficient and no one's getting anything done to help those in need (re: anakin's AOTC comment about systemic failure)

it's not anakin having his presence "requested" by ol' palps that's unusual but the fact he didn't tell the council "what for"

it's the political situation (re: the senate as mentioned above) that obi-wan feels is unusual, not the fact that anakin's hanging out with a shady politician (because the jedi council knows about that)

It’s Obi-Wan’s turn at story night and everyone knows Yoda’s got the good snacks

the audio is from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas Read by James Arnold Taylor (the voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi) and Corey Burton (the voices of Cad Bane and Ziro the Hutt)" by James Arnold Taylor on YouTube

Imagine you find out you have the force, becoming a jedi,watching your master die and joining the rebellion all in the span of a few days. And now yoi're dealing with the loss of your family, your whole life as you knew it and you have this legacy thrust upon you because you're a jedi now, not just a hero. The jedi are all gone. Have been for a long time everyone knows, and so you are the last one. Except. There were other jedi in the rebellion and you just barely missed them. By maybe a few months.