adhd in girls

I feel so much right now. but if you were to ask me, I can’t tell you. not that I don’t want to, but because I don’t know how to express what i’m feeling. at least not in words, and it’s so frustrating. it feels like i’m bottling up everything but it won’t come out. all of these feelings, they’re locked up. and it makes me angry, it makes me sad, makes me confused. is it even possibly to not know how your feeling? well, i’m proof.

So I’m 18 years old and never had any serious relationship before. I’m just really picky, Or i say “I’m  picky” as an excuse of saying I don’t want a boyfriend right now. I don’t know why, but I’m just scared of the thought of being in a relationship. At least for right now. I’m scared because I feel like I won’t be the best girlfriend.I don’t wanna let him down. I’m honestly such an insecure person, and I feel like I’m a downgrade of pretty much any girl out there. Sad of me to say, but it’s how I feel.  I just think it’s important to have yourself figured out before you have a boyfriend, because a relationship is about building each other up. How can I build my boyfriend up and help him to be the best version of himself when I can’t even do that for myself? 

-L.C.

something intresting that I discovered about myself is that tho I have a hard time learning and understanding concepts, my intuition comes into play. I wonder if those with adhd are prone to having good intuition. I noticed that when i’m taking tests, that somtimes I just know what answer looks right without being able to explain why. like it’s a feeling I get, telling me which one to choose, and it happens quite often. and this method works for me sometimes, like I end up answering those questions right! is anyone else like this?

- L.C.

feelings? what feelings? he doesn't like me? how can he possibly like me? what is there to like? please do tell. I can't think of anything. really. nothing comes to mind. don't choose me. if you do, i'll hurt us both. you'll regret it. believe me when i say, i'm a downgrade. i know i am i'm not prettier, i'm not smarter, i'm a confused mess. you don't want me. i'm saving you the trouble. all these thoughts... but at the same time... i like you. i really do like you. i wanna know you. i'm scared. i'm confused. i don't know how to act. i don't know what to do. i know you'll lift me up, but i think i'll bring you down. i'm a mess when i'm nervous. as insecure as can be. therefore... don't pick me.

Roses are red, Violets are blue…..I don’t know my feelings. Ever hear a poem sound like that before?
You surprised?
What did you expect?
A bunch of words speaking in tongues about how love is complicated?
Well I’m sure it is…
But what is more complicated,
is myself. Sorry I don’t have a bunch of symbolic nonsense words to explain that to you.
Speaking in tongues is already hard enough, 
I tried.
I can’t even express myself in english.. It’s weird.
I have all these thoughts in my head.
Thoughts about life, ideas, everything.
But I guess they’re all imprisoned or something.
They verbally won’t come out. I want to argue, explain, think, speak! But I can’t. I’m stuck with this poem full of empty words… But hey, at least they’re real words this time.

So I'm 18 years old and never had any serious relationship before. I guess I'm just really picky, which I guess could be a good thing sometimes, but I feel like it's to an extreme. Saying "oh I'm just picky" is my excuse of saying I don't want a boyfriend right now. I don't know why, but I'm just scared to have a boyfriend. At least for right now. I'm scared because I feel like I won't be the best girlfriend, and I don't wanna let him down. Tbh, I'm such an insecure person, and I feel like I'm a downgrade of pretty much any girl out there, which is really sad to think of myself in that way but that's truly how I feel. Idk, I just feel like it's important to have yourself figured out before you have a boyfriend, because a relationship is about building each other up. How can I build my boyfriend up and help him to be the best version of himself when I can't even do that for myself? That's my dilemma. This whole boyfriend problem is for sure a result of my insecurity. My whole life I always had a major problem with self confidence. The adhd could've been part of it but just never looked at myself with confidence. Throughout my life I also suffered from anxiety, episodes of depression, and I even used to starve myself cause I always hated my body (and I was never overweight, that's the saddest part of all) , starving myself usually lead to binging cause I just couldnt take it anymore. I wish I had the courage to talk about all of this, but it is really hard to admit any of this out loud. I even have a hard time mention my adhd out loud to people. I've gone to therapy before but even then, I didn't have the guts to tell her any of this. I hate that I don't express my feelings. But unfortunately that's the way I am. And I really am praying to God that this gets better.