tonight, I write to you, yes to you my dear self.
First, I wonder if this will be posted to the day i intent to be posted. Will tumblr still be there to catch you whenever you’re sad? Will tumblr still be there to give you things that would inspire you and motivate you? Will there still be a “tumblr” that we all have loved.
Second, I am thinking of him right now, and I wonder if you still are. What happened? Did something go on between the two of you? Or it ended just a few days ago I start writing this? What happened? I still like him tho, right now, I’m not sure if I like him or I love him. There’s a difference right? But I don’t know how to separate both or how to determine which is which. But if this means- thinking of him, wondering if he does the same - that I like him or love him then be it. But it still hurts, although he’s unsure if he loves the girl already, it hurts because there’s a possibility that he like/love somebody else. I have no idea why and obviously, I don’t have the right to be like this since we’re not “o anything”. It sucks really, to tell you the truth, that somehow, even though I’m all stressed/tired I look for him, I check if he’s online so that I could talk to him tell him how I am so freaking tired with all the shits I have to deal with. Why did I ever made him my human diary? Why? I shouldn’t have... I shouldn’t have because now, right at this moment, I am looking and searching for my diary and wondering if he’s still available or still does care with all the things I have to say. I shouldn’t have you know.. I shouldn’t have... Maybe you’re laughing right now because of my current situation but I hope you won’t I hope you still know how you felt back to this time. I just hope that you don’t forget about what happened this past few days. How you felt when you found out he like someone else. How you felt when you assumed that he doesn’t like you anymore the way you did.
I’m not asking you to feel miserable again but I’m asking you to remember where you came from.
Third, how is everything? How is mom, how is dad, how is kuya bruce, lolo, lola, tart and mommy myrns? How are they? Are they good? Were you able to give at least something that they have wanted. A simple token/gift they all have been wanting for? Did you gave them something in return for taking care of you? Were you able to say “I love you” to them, even though, right now, at the moment, I am really scared of letting go of those three words. I am scared to say it to anyone because I don’t know what will happen after that. Right now, are you scared? Were you able to conquer it? Were you able to say it too often to them? Were you able to say it to someone you really love/d other than your family? Or are you still empty. I just hope to God that you’re not. I am scared for you, I am scared for myself that I won’t have that someone I could hold on to while others have already. I’m scared that I’ll be the one to comfort myself again, like you used to. I hope that you have someone that would make you happy, laugh, cry, sad, angry and happy again. I hope that you already have that someone that would listen to every word that you’ll say. I know, I am hopeless romantic, I hope you still are. I hope you find joy to whoever you currently like/love and I hope he does the same. But I’m still scared that you’re going to cry while reading this because you didn’t felt what I hoped for.
Fourth, are you currently stabled, or at least are you happy with what you are doing? Are you? Or are you not? If you’re not, I’m here to remind you to drop the hell out you’re doing and start doing what you love, what makes you happy and what comforts you. Stop wasting your time to something that doesn’t even make you happy and start doing what will. I hope you have continued what you have started with happiness, love and passion. I hope that even if you’re tired with what you’re doing, you are happy with it. Right now? Are you asking if I’m happy right now? Well, in fact, yes. I am so tired. I’m tired and stressed the whole term because of my duties as a Commissioner and my duties as a student. This is one of a hell term, it really is. But even though, I’m tired and there are times that I feel like I’m going to die, times that I stopped myself from crying/bursting/exploding, somehow, right now, I have to say that I’m happy with it. I’m happy or at least somehow, I am enjoying what I have done and what I am currently doing, even though, I feel like I’m going to collapse or I’m going to breakdown. Only 4 more days left and I’m done with this term! I am really really really done, but then again, this reminded me that we have classes again in 2-3 weeks (May 11) because of the transition term. Amazing isn’t it?
Lastly, I want you to create another post like this, if tumblr is still existent (which I hope is). Reply back and ask back to yourself regarding this.
