Maybe they should have done it sooner. Itās a sentiment that has echoed through Kashvi these past weeks, and itās strange as sheās not one for regrets. And yet everything with Solomon seems to be laced with missed opportunity, with uncharacteristic insecurity, with a longing that Kashvi had not allowed herself to answer. Does it matter, though? In the end, here they still stand, even if the road towards it had been sloppy and filled with doubt. She does not ponder on it long, because Solomon is here, in front of her, with her, voicing her thoughts with his own brusque timbre.Ā
āMaybe we should have. But we did it now, so itās all good. We have time to make up for it.ā And then thereās a feeling of dread, because did they? Kashvi thinks of Astrid, whose lover had been ripped from her life when there was still supposed to be such a future ahead of them. Solomon is no easy victim, but he is an enemy to many, a worthy foe, someone who would be strategic to knock out if you wished to hurt War in a crucial spot. They donāt need to safeguard each other, with their deadly hands and bloody histories, but Kashvi still wishes she could. (Ā On another hand, what other hand was there for either of them but a blaze of bloody glory? They would not wither away in an old peopleās home. )Ā So maybe there was a clock ticking, somewhere, a hammer swaying before dropping, a scythe around a corner, waiting, waiting, waiting.Ā Kashvi decides she wonāt wait any longer for Solomon, then. There is plenty she cannot control, but this is a ship she can sail, with him on her side.
It isnāt like her to be silent, but she listens to Solomon intently, letting him speak before interrupting. Something in her chest flutters as he does, as he speaks the three words that might be most powerful in the world. It takes her a certain amount of strength to not interrupt him, then, by snaking an arm around his waist and pulling his face to her own. Kashvi lives for love, breathes and fights for it: thereās no without, only bounds and bounds more of it. Something that burns eternally, like Vestaās flames, something she feeds with great care and hopes to see grow forevermore. When heās done speaking, she does not answer verbally at first: thereās just the familiar lean forwards, their matched heights making the gap between them easily bridged. Itās a deep kiss, one that feels like homecoming, that feels like standing on the precipice of something larger.
When she pulls back from the kiss, she hums a little,Ā āI do love you,ā she confirms, if only because she wants to repeat the sentiment.Ā āI think girlfriend and boyfriend does not begin to summise what this is, youāre right.Ā Partners, thatās good. We can say that weāre together.ā She continues to linger close to him, fingers coiling through his hair, curls around her fingers.Ā āI donāt think I much care for words, because deep down Iām certain of what this all is,ā she says,Ā āAnd what I know is that I want to be with you, as I have been.ā Thereās a momentary pause, but Kashvi is tired of her hesitation.Ā āI could stop looking for places. Not that Iāve been looking very hard.ā If theyāre having this conversation anyway, why not push it further? Her dread coils in her stomach. Time trickles down the hourglass. When has she ever been a creature of doubt, anyway? āIf weāre taking these steps, then me moving out would just feel like taking one back, wouldnāt it? Unless ā¦ā She shrugs. Unless he wants his place to himself: she has no intention to intrude, but this does not feel like intrusion. Kashvi dares to think of forever, however long that might be, dares to think of Solomon becoming an even more permanent fixture in her life.Ā
āI want to go forward, only,ā she says,Ā āNo more lingering, no more leaving things unspoken ⦠If weāre to be together, not just in private, but in front of everyone, I want you completely.ā Kashviās gaze moves around the kitchen, at the place that feels partly hers already.Ā āI could move in fully. We could find another place, too, I donāt mind. But I think you put it quite eloquently: youāre ingrained.ā There was no cutting Solomon out of her heart now: he was part of her, engraved on the walls of the four chambers of that very organ.Ā āI want to wake next to you each morning.ā
We have time. Itās clear as water now, with all the distance. Have I finally stopped being foolish? Solomon did always wait for a certain click that would put his brain in the right place, no more fighting winless fights and chasing the kind of adrenaline that only ends in bruise - to grow, so to speak. In his disorganized brain flow memories of Kashvi over the years, mutating as he too did: old smiles he canāt remember the cause for; target competitions heād often win; the first drink after work at a bar that has been closed for years now; first dinner party at her place, Solomon? Heās a friend from work. There was a green suit once, maybe in 2017, as she stopped before a conference room to trade a quick few words with the security man by the door - or maybe heād been the one to talk to her. No, that was 2016, early summer. Theyāve been solid for so long, even before kisses, before sex, before love. Sol gets lost in the tangle of memories that he didnāt pay enough mind to as they were happening, FOOLISH, not realising how she was the only path ahead. Crossing glances that sent electricity down his spine, knowing damn well that it was a matter of time before one of them took the missing step. Leaving meetings an extra half-hour after, so that no one saw how his car went in the same direction as hers. Thinking, āthis was one time, and it wonāt happen againā, a few times a week. The mental snapshots show behind his eyes as he unleashes what they truly mean, and Solomon is somewhere between painfully present in the moment, and drunk on emotions, and quick words, and images of her that cannot match the detail of what is in front of him.Ā
The moment the very last sound leaves his throat, the silence is terrifying. There he is, reckless words and reckless manners, no witnesses but the most important one, and the noise of his breathing is louder than a gunshot inside his ear. Itās the very same kind of adrenaline as the moment after jumping from deadly heights, caught after the act with red hands and red face, and far too late to take anything back, but not yet in the fall. Kashvi breaks the silence with the loudest word of all, her lips on his, fitting as perfectly as it did the first time he realised that it was as if their mouths had been formed to snap in place. One of his hands curls in the space between her jaw and neck, the other holds her back, slowly pushing her in: out of the cliff, right into the fall, with him coming along.Ā
He makes some sad noise as she pulls back, something weakly hungry. Solomon canāt stop himself from stealing another quick kiss as her lips leave, though. I could stop looking for places. The smile on his lips grows at the idea, even if he hasnāt really considered that Kash might actually leave eventually. āNo. No, stay.ā No unless, no but. āI mean, were you even really considering going anywhere else? I think youāre pretty stuck here.ā He doesnāt know when he started imagining home and seeing her on his couch. Maybe a while ago, in a dreamy fantasy he refused to dedicate much time to. Or whenever she stayed over and it felt violently cold to watch her collect her belongings and drive off. Or when he got a key to her house, dangling on his keychain with his own. But now he simply knew heād return to her shoes in the hallway, her face in the backyard, or at least her dog on his couch. It happened fast, like a fall, like everything they did, but their speed did always work out so why wouldnāt they get lucky again? āIām an eloquent man.ā Drops of laughter fall from his smile, but his eyes are locked on hers, even when they move elsewhere. There is no hiding when heās this close. āSounds like we got it figured out.ā His hand moves up her face, in a manner so gentle heās barely even touching her at all, skin grazing up to her cheekbone. āWeāre doing this right. Yeah? You want me completely? Youāve got it.ā Itās not a lie. Perhaps aspirational, but heās itching closer and closer to making it the truth. Solomon takes a second before pulling in closer and placing a kiss where he was just touching, and then another closer to her ear, before whispering in. āThank you.ā For pushing me off the cliff. Or for letting me jump. For making me want to jump. For going into the fall with me. Maybe he even thanks her for everything he hasnāt thanked her before, for all heāll be grateful for eventually, or for being there in this moment. Thereās isnāt much thought behind the words, but an overwhelming need to let Kashvi know that sheās the reason, the key, the cataclysm.