Quoth The Raven

Kathy Burke: Any regrets?

Tim Key: [SIGHING] That’s not an easy question, is it? I’ll tell you what, say what you like about this podcast…

KB: It’s great, yeah.

TK: …I found myself this morning–

KB: Mm.

TK: –um, watching, um, skiing on Eurosports and trying to think of regrets in my life.  

KB: Okay. [LAUGHING]

TK: And if you think that’s how I want to spend my Friday morning, I think you’ve gone mad.

KB: Okay!

TK: Let me paint a picture: I’m gonna have to change… a couple of details–

KB: Okay.

TK: –and… probably change a name. You can give her a name!

KB: Chantelle.

TK: Yeah, Chantelle. Um, I… finished the phone call and then I think… I should go and see Chantelle. And–

KB: Hang on a minute, finish what phone call?

TK: My phone call, I’m talking to Chantelle.

KB: Ah, okay. So you’re–

TK: For about, for about, I’m not even joking, Kathy, about two hours.

KB: Okay. Yeah, yeah.

TK: I’m, you know, I really like her.

KB: Yeah, yeah.

TK: Yeah.

KB: So, is this a lover? What–

TK: It’s a, it’s, it’s a friend.

KB: Okay.

TK: And I like her.

KB: You like h- you want to be her lover.

TK: I– I would bite your hand off, Kathy.

KB: Okay, right.

TK: Bite. Your. Hand off. Then I… sort of stand there, and think, well, I don’t know what to do here. Then I go out into the garden.

KB: Yeah.

TK: Go to the shed.

KB: Yes.

TK: And, uh, stand next to my bicycle. And I think, okay, I should cycle to see Chantelle.

KB: Right.

TK: And then I think… I’m going to toss a coin.

KB: What?!

TK: If you don’t– If you can’t handle me giving you a regret, please don’t ask the question.

KB: Okay.

TK: I get a coin…

KB: Yeah.

TK: And I say, heads: I cycle to Chantelle.

KB: Yeah.

TK: Tails: I stay. Garden moonlit. I flick the coin. The coin lands–

KB: Yeah.

TK: –and it’s a head.

KB: Yeah.

TK: Which means: cycle to Chantelle.

KB: Okay.

TK: And I’m so scared of the–, of it. Of the, of the idea of it. Of rejection. Of it not working out.

KB: Yeah.

TK: That I think: best of three.

KB: [WHISPERING] Ah! Tim…!

TK: Two tails, back to back. Never told her.

KB: My God! That’s devastating.

TK: Never told her.

KB: And she never kno– She’s never known?

TK: No, not that.

KB: And is she all happily m– married now to somebody else?

TK: She’s married to– Do you want to give him a name?

KB: [LAUGHING]

TK: What are you going to go for?

KB: What about… Yeah, what about Derek?

TK: Yeah. Chantelle and Derek, yeah.

KB: Okay.

TK: And are you going to name the children?

KB: Dave!

TK: Yeah.

KB: Maureen.

TK: Maureen! [LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

KB: And Colin!

TK: Oh, they’ve got three, have they?

[BOTH LAUGHING HARD]

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