I don't mind, actually

This episode was recorded on the evening of Sep 16 last year at the Television Centre. The recording lasted about 3.5 hours from 6:30pm to a little over 9:45pm.

Intro

Greg was introduced on stage after the warmup person Mark Olver. He had a little chat with the audience, asked how everyone was doing, showed us his front-only vest and explained he was not allowed a real vest cause he sweats too much. After that he sat down on a chair on the contestants side and said ooo is something missing? The audience yelled Little Alex Horne and Alex was introduced onto the stage. Greg made an attempt at bear hugging Alex to welcome him onto stage, raising both arms up high, but Alex, after hesitating for a sec, went for his belly and gave him a good rub on the tummy like you do with a big cat.

Greg also disclosed to us that he was back at the peak of his weight (to which we cheered loudly), that he just had a nap and panick ate a Twix before coming on, so I guess that explains his good mood. When Alex came on he asked Greg about it (“you had a twix?”) in a sort of playful way and Greg asked if he’d had anything backstage. Alex said Haribo (cheer again) and added that he had a call with his wife. Greg, smiling fondly at that, said “you had a call with your wife?”

Greg asked if we wanted to see Alex do improv and was delighted when everyone yelled YEAHH with terrifying enthusiasm. He said this actually wasn’t a required part of the format, we could just start the show, everyone yelled NOOO and Alex tilted his head back and sighed so very loudly.

Greg then asked around for genre ideas. He picked an audience member “because of their enthusiasm”, and the audience member asked Alex to sing a hymn. For the topic of the song someone yelled out "carrot," so Alex was having to made up a hymn about carrots on the spot. The lyrics were “Did God give us little orange sticks? Yes he did. Yes he did.” Greg hummed along with him to provide melody. There was also a professional opera singer in the audience. Greg asked them to do a solo, then everyone joined in and sang the carrot song together. The song actually turned out surprisingly well. Later on, while the contestants were taking their seats and getting ready for the show, Greg kept humming "little orange sticks" to himself which was. Very adorable old man behaviour.

After the improv Greg went and sat down on the throne, and asked Alex to sit with him. Alex first sat down on the armrest of the throne - he perched up there so smoothly it genuinely looked like he does that very often, like he just belonged there (I’ll shut up now). Then Greg patted his own thigh and said Come sit over here. Alex’s first reaction seemingly was to straddle Greg’s legs and to sit on Greg while directly facing Greg, but he didn’t go through with it. Instead he stopped short, half hovering over Greg, they looked at each other and laughed, after which Alex spun around and sat right into Greg’s lap. Then to make things worse he started bouncing a little on Greg, up and down up and down. As if to stop his boy being naughty, Greg leaned his entire body forward, pressed against Alex's back, rested his chin on Alex’s left shoulder, wrapped his arm around him and hugged him tight. It looked so intimate I had to bite the inside of my cheek to not scream out loud.

LAH’s intro got cut a bit. After Greg saying the line about the postman in Alex’s neighbourhood, Alex admitted that there is indeed a postman who loves wearing shorts, and he said now that guy is going to think the story is about him. During the final pick-ups, Greg did the intro again, and Alex whispered under his breath, "Beautiful… beautiful eyes."

The banter was very pun-ridden and has something to do with Alex going on holiday. It wasn’t very long and will probably be released as an outtake so I’ll skip it here.

Prize Task

Loads of chat re Amy’s pregnancy pillow got cut. Greg said something to the effect that he only learned his one was a pregnancy pillow because his Romanian cleaner had asked him about it (gesturing towards his belly). Amy said she likes the big pillow because "it hugs you back like a big boy," to which Greg laughed and said, "I like a big boy too." Joel said he thought it was a sex thing, and Amy replied, "No, I have another thing for that." Greg said, "Me too, have I mentioned my Romanian cleaner yet?" (He immediately regretted the joke and started yelling "No, no, no!").

Also the pillow was named Linda. After all the sex chat, when Greg was taking notes on the pregnancy pillow, he accidentally wrote down "lesbian".

At one point Kumail called Joel by the wrong name - He called him "Reece". Apparently right before going on stage they were talking about Joel’s jacket, and the brand of the jacket was Reece? This resulted in multiple callbacks later in the studio.

Task 1

In the VT Alex called Joel a twat. The studio discussion on this was longer, in that after Joel said Alex turned different shades of red, Greg very naturally decided he had to make Alex say dirty words. He asked Alex what he called the bits downstairs and Alex said "Mr. Cheeky". Kumail followed up by asking"How is it cheeky? Explain." I can’t remember exactly what Alex said next, but the gist of it was somehow that it’s called Mr. Cheeky because he likes to suck grapes. Greg then said, "Yeah, Alex often comes over at lunchtime asking to suck my grapes."

Kumail’s nipples were discussed extensively in the studio. They talked for ages about whether he actually had nipples or not. Kumail eventually admitted that he does have nipples; wardrobe and makeup helped tape some body hair over them to cover it up. It was Alex who suggested that they could just leave it a mystery, saying “we'll start a rumour". Kumail actually said after that he preferred to come clean, so this might get addressed on the podcast when he comes on, or it could be that Kumail now canonically just doesn’t have nipples in the Taskmaster universe.

To top this off, Joel had another bit about how his nipples have been able to lactate(?!) ever since he was a kid. Greg asked if he had to milk himself from time to time. This bit went on for a while. Alex looked up whether male lactation is a sign of a tumor. Joel said he had looked into it and the doctor said it's fine. Greg then said he once had a condition where if his nipples get touched, his tits would get bigger. He said he had to go see a doctor about it when he was a kid, and one time he bumped into something on his chest for some reason and they swelled up massively. I forgot what the condition was called and I genuinely hope this is a real thing and not the product of my fever dream.

The Hank Green cameo in Joel’s part of the VT felt longer in the studio and more identifiable. I wonder if they’ve cut it shorter.

Task 3

I can’t remember any major stuff that got cut in Task 2. But for task 3, Kumail pulling the doll’s underpants off was talked about so much in the studio that at one point I thought it would surely be the major running joke of the episode. And then I remembered channel4 wouldn’t for their life air that many pedophile-adjacent jokes. It was such a good laugh for everyone though. Even after the recording they were still talking about it. Kumail was quite exasperated at the end and said "Have none of you ever pulled the underpants off a doll before?!" And everyone said no and said "You made it worse."

I might have dreamed this up but I swear they had a bit about Armando’s face during this task that got cut. Cause I remember seeing Armando’s face on the studio screen? But can’t recall much detail about this.

Live Task

This was such a live task to watch in person. Alex was in charge of measuring distances and adjusting the cameras inside the mops. His body was so stretched out and looked so nice while he was doing that hashtag hardforhorne

Pick-ups & Ad Breaks

There were a few pick-ups at the end. During the pick-ups, Greg noted that it was getting quite late, yawned, and very adorably said, "Sleepy time."

I think one of the ad breaks got cut. It was Greg saying "If you live nearby, you can take Alex home. He is what the sex circle calls a unicorn, and he will be happy to be the meat in your sandwich." In the final pick-ups, they recorded another version where they cut out "sex circle." For some reason Greg ended up saying: "He will be happy to be the meat in your couple's sandwich."

End note

And I'll add a few more bits:

During the pre-show, when Alex sat on Greg's lap, Greg said "Oooh, someone's a meatier boy" (implication: Alex's ass has grown since he last sat on Greg) and it looked like he squeezed Alex's ass with his right hand. He also said something about Alex's ass being very warm. Alex started bouncing on his knee. Greg then pulled Alex back against his chest, wrapped his arms around him and leant his face against the back of Alex's shoulder, pressing his cheek to it (facing the audience). It was both very sweet and very holy shit: Greg's face squished there and his eyes shutting for a moment. Okay. 😭

Greg's intro joke about Alex was about him fancying his postman because of their "lithe hips" and possibly something about their bum in shorts. It was extra amusing that the gender wasn't specified in Greg's words – very deliberate. Alex pulled a face and said "I do have a postie who wears shorts and he's going to think that's about him now". Greg said something devious about that.

Something I found interesting was that Greg always paid rapt attention to the VTs, or tried to anyway (it was sometimes difficult to hear everything with the audience reacting). He was fully twisted around in his throne, leaning on the right arm of it, and watching in full. Alex has definitely seen every VT beforehand, as he has little anticipatory reactions like putting his hand over his face just before he or a contestant does something particularly awful, giggling into his fist when something’s about to happen, etc. Alex really enjoyed the first two VTs in particular – he did a ton of giggling during them. It was adorable to watch.

A couple of times per VT, Greg would turn to Alex, hold his card up to cover his mouth and murmur something to him. I tried very hard to hear him, but I couldn’t pick up a single word even though I was right in front of them. From body language and context, though, most of it seemed to be clips or stills he wanted Alex to queue up, ready for him to reference afterwards. Some of it was talking about stuff he or Alex had just said and some of it was apologising for various nonsense. He also wrote a ton on his cards in quite small handwriting. When Alex had questions or wanted to double check something with Greg, he would tap delicately on Greg’s upper/middle back with his hand. Like ✋ tap tap. Sometimes he had to do it a few times before Greg noticed. It was very sweet.

Personally, I'm astounded that my favourite ad cutaway was, well, cut. I didn't think they cut those! I highly doubt they'll make it an outtake because they have yet to do that with a cutaway iirc, so here it is: Greg said that if any couples live close by, they should hire Alex. “Alex is what's known in sex circles as a unicorn. Ready to be the meat in your sandwich!” The audience lost their shit.

In the pick-ups after the contestants left the stage (where they redo lines, film alternatives, etc), the first alternative they tried for this cutaway was removing “in sex circles”, so it became “Alex is what’s known as a unicorn. Ready to be the meat in your sandwich!”. The second alternative reduced it further to “Alex is a unicorn”, but Greg also accidentally added 'couples' before sandwich here, so it became “Alex is a unicorn – ready to be the meat in your couples sandwich!” 😂 So sad they cut this. How is Greg going to sell his Assistant's services now?

During the breaks, Greg and/or Alex offered to answer questions about the show while they were getting lint-rolled and brushed by Wardrobe. Someone asked what they’d done in the break between the morning taping and this one. Greg said that he’d “panic-eaten a Twix”. Alex said that he’d wanted to nap, but “had a call with my wife instead”.

Also during a break, an audience member pointed to Alex's pineapple tattoo and said “so you put the pineapple upside down” in response to the unicorn line. Because his tatt looks upside down from the outside when he's not holding his arm up. Mark Olver the warm-up comedian came on and (lovingly) ripped into that person with a ribald, “You know what that means, then!” And then, out of nowhere, in his measured ‘I agree with you’ voice, Alex deadpanned: “Single people mean nothing to me.” 😂

Also, after Amy's unnecessary censorship VT played, Greg goaded Alex about holding the onion over his crotch. Greg: "What is it over?" Alex: "I don't want to say." Greg: "Tell me." Alex: "My.. area." Greg: "Yes and what do you call that?" Alex: "My cheeky chappy!"

They then went off the rails, bantering back and forth about what Alex's cheeky chappy does. Greg said that Alex often gets it out in his (Greg's) dressing room. Alex said yes, “For grapes. It likes to pick up grapes.” A contestant was like: “It picks them up?” And Alex said yes, "It has a suction function.” The audience was in pieces by this point. Alex: “But it can't pick up anything heavier than a grape". Greg was rolling about laughing.

Greg's Arrival

Greg brought in to HUGE applause. He revelled in it, and then said it was quite enough. He said 'grandad has had a nap'. He also said that when he woke up he had 'panic eaten a Twix'. 

Another fun thing was him saying how hot and sweaty he gets, and that he doesn't even wear a proper waistcoat any more - he peeled off his jacket part way to show the back of his shirt - to show the waistcoat had no back - it was just tacked onto the front of the shirt. When he sat down on the middle contestant chair to hold court, he made the LOUDEST old man sitting down noises quite intentionally.

One question was "What's your middle name?" "Daniel" Greg told us he was named for a Welsh grandfather who was a miner. Not a minor.

Question to Greg: what was the best venue you've played at in your tour. Answer [some venue that was curved in shape. The stage had the audience all curved around the stage like a banana] wait! No. Albert Hall. He couldn't believe he was in the Albert Hall telling people about his arsehole.

Alex's Arrival

Alex was introduced as looking like the meat left on a kebab skewer in a shop at 2am. He also said that Alex looked like he'd had hair thrown at him. Somehow. Just thrown at him and it stuck.

Big applause for his arrival. Greg took a moment and then opened his arms HUGE AND MASSIVE for Alex to hug, but Alex stalled, aborted, and ended up kind of patting Greg's belly and chest instead. Turned into sort of a patting musical drum-ish action, though not a million miles away from beating Greg's chest with his fists like a struggling old-timey maiden. They did not hug.

Greg then moved to sit down in his throne and Alex tried to follow him. Then instead of sitting on his own throne, he tried to sit on the arms of the throne and hug Greg. This was too awkward. Greg said "You never get to sit down in this bit" and Alex stood up. Then Greg told him (actions - patting his thigh) to sit on Greg's lap. Alex momentarily looked like he was going to fully straddle Greg face-on – waddling forward, legs wide and bent – then aborted and indeed sat on Greg's right thigh. Greg made a comment that Alex was meatier(? beefier?) than expected. Then he jiggled his thigh to bounce Alex. Then Greg commented on how warm Alex's butt was (again). Alex stood up a little after that. Greg asked Alex if he'd had a nap during the break. Alex said he hadn't but he wished he had. Instead of a nap and a Twix, he'd had a Haribo and a phone call with his wife, but he was so tired and wanted a nap that he didn't entirely hear everything she was saying. Whoops. Alex looked quite sheepish but no-one made him admit this!!!

Extreme Improvisation (Little Orange Sticks)

Greg asked if we wanted to get straight into the show, or if we wanted to see Alex do some extreme improvisation. We cheered for improv. Greg had worded it something like "We'll do the improv and then get the fun started" Alex muttered that he'd said it right because whatever Alex was going to be made to do would not be fun. We were asked if we wanted a song or a dance. I went for dance, but song won out! What genre of music? A lady directly in front of me shouted, and Greg asked what she'd said. She said she was a Classical singer, Greg asked "opera?" or something, but she said church music and Greg took that to mean hymns. So Alex would be singing a hymn.

Greg decided Alex would sing a hymn about carrots. Harvest festival(?) was mentioned as coming up, as Greg pointed out to the blue-jumpered classical singer in front of me, and she agreed it was very soon and appropriate. Alex asked Greg if he would be 'playing the organ' for him and Greg mimed doing that. "With the pedals" Alex insisted so Greg stomped and flapped his feet (angled on his heels). He asked if Greg would be singing along and Greg said he'd sing with the chorus. Greg told the lady in blue to sing with the chorus too, and she replied "But I don't know the words?" they said back something like "No-one does yet; it's improv." Greg made some groan-drone sounds 'playing the organ' and Alex had nothing. Eventually Greg sang a sort of series of descending notes pretending to be the church organ, and then Alex started.

"Did God provide us with little orange sticks? Yes he did. Yes he did."

Weirdly it was actually pretty good! And in fact, the whole audience started singing along with the chorus! There was some clapping in time too. Greg was astonished! He ’asked’ (commanded!) a guy on the balcony to sing the chorus - yelling "SOLO!" at him, and was shocked to hear him begin to, and we cheered and drowned him out. Then he told the blue jumper classical singer lady to sing the chorus and she not only did, she was great! More shock and applause.

Intro and Banter

Alex is introduced as having quite the crush on his postman in his little shorts, and slinky hips, and Alex says he (the postman) has kind eyes. Greg goes mad with it, saying that Alex told him the postman's marriage was ‘rocky’. Alex looked like he was keen for that. Then Greg said Alex said the postman looked violent - not necessarily fighting, but there was something aggressive about him that Alex liked. (Wat) 

Greg really wouldn’t stop going on about this, stopping Alex from beginning his banter maybe twice before finally relenting.

(Respecting the OP, I'll skip the banter description for the week. See if they release it.)

Prize Task

Corkscrew with Arms. Joel, somehow, completely blanked on the name of this when asked. Like, totally forgot how speech worked. Alex tried prompting him - what goes in the top of a wine bottle??? And the shape of it is??? Joel got it, and was completely baffled by their own inability to remember such a simple word! They were stunned and reminded everyone (and themselves) that they present live television! This item was mostly mocked. Alex had some history facts about what the corkscrew was sometimes named after (a guy) because it looked so much like someone raising their arms in triumph or something. Joel sold it REALLY WELL - so well that Greg was tempted to give it a good score but ultimately didn’t because it was the selling of it, not the item itself. Also Joel tried to act out the excitement of the corkscrew.

Weird bit. Kumail called Joel, 'Reece' for some mad reason. Maybe it was written on the inside of their collar? Bit confusing. But this became a running gag. Joel got all flirty and blushing, just totally fangirling over Kumail and didn’t mind what they called them. When Kumail reached for their collar to look at the label, Joel coo-ed that they were just happy they got touched.

Gnomepig. Greg despised this so much. Hated it to bits. The contestant started describing their entire life story, almost, about how long they’d had this and how their partner wouldn’t allow it in the garden because it’s so awful. Several people looked at it on screen and wondered if the gnome was simply ‘riding’ the pig or something more. Straddling was mentioned. It was explained how tall it was. Greg turned on his throne, putting his legs up on the arm closest to the screen, trying to lie back and relax and said over his shoulder that he should have warned us about ‘this’ (this apparently being Chair 3’s propensity to talk forever). Greg wanted to know what the gnome sounded like, and Chair 3 tried to do a voice for the gnome. Greg did his own version of the gnome voice, complete with accent. Then he asked what the pig voice would be like, and suggested a high pitched voice (that he did). Chair 3 decided the pig just squealed and made a high pitched squeal that went through everyone. Greg. Couldn’t. Hate. It More. Hated it so very much.

Lovely Linda. Greg revealed that he has one (didn’t know it was a maternity pillow at first) and he also likes getting hugged by the big boy. One of the other contestants asked if it was a sex thing and Amy said no - they have bought other devices for that. Greg agreed that he doesn't fuck the pregnancy pillow. Greg agreed exactly the same (implying he has also bought other devices for that purpose). Greg called Amy (or maybe Joanne??) a slag/slut for having had 3? 4? maternity pillows. Then he backtracked moments later and said it was only for the purpose of maternity pillows that he considered her a slag/slut - not in other parts of her life. Alex looked up the other possible names that the pillow goes by, listing them, and only one was maternity pillow. Greg or someone asked about Amy sleeping with ‘Linda’ a female named pillow and then immediately Greg and Alex went “That’s fine. That’s okay. You can do that.” (I.e. both of them backtracking any implication that ‘same sex pillow cuddling’ wouldn’t be perfectly normal. When Greg wrote his notes down, instead of writing Lovely Linda (or whatever) he told everyone and showed Alex, that he’d written Lovely Lesbians instead. Greg was most amused by his own subconscious’s choice to do that. Amy had a little sad story about how their ex had gotten them one of these and then never cuddled them again - letting the pillow do it instead. Amy said they were rubbish (the ex) and they could say that because their ex doesn’t watch Taskmaster, thereby providing even more evidence for how rubbish they are!

Task 1 - Needlessly Censored

Onion. They talked about whether Alex should have had his trousers on for it. The contestant said he should wear trousers, and Alex said he was keen not to wear trousers. Greg thought Alex would feel flustered and bad about standing there with the onion, but Alex said it was fine - the story was nice – just talking about the onion he was holding. Alex started to say something about 'where' the onion was held and then aborted. Greg did not allow this and insisted Alex say where the onion was being held near. Alex kept just saying something like "that area". Somehow this turned into Alex's penis being referred to as "Mister Cheeky". Greg invented a whole story where Mister Cheeky would come out in Greg's changing room every single break between episodes, looking for grapes to 'hold'. Alex said it had a 'suction function' and that he couldn't do anything heavier than a grape. Wat.

There was discussion from Alex about not knowing how to bleep this task for the bleeped version of the show for kids. Because it’s only the bleeping or the censoring that makes it rude! Alex really did seem to go around and round, trying to explain the difficulty they were going to have making it kid friendly, and Greg just went “Fuck them kids!” to shocked laughter. Greg liked that, so said it or variations of it several more times. Doesn’t give a fuck about the children etc.

Nipples. Endless discussion about nipples. Contestant 5 trying to insist they don't have any. Just hair. Greg asks him REPEATELY if he's telling the truth. Greg talks about an uncle or something who lactated when his wife was pregnant. Alex on his ipad wheeled out some fact about 30% of men lactating at some point, though he was probably lying. One of the other male contestants (Chair 4) said that HE lactated! Has done ever since he was a teenager and that it was salty. Horror and fascination. He's TASTED IT? He was a teenager. Everyone does things as a teenager. He said it was just a little but he got more if he didn't do it for a while. Someone asked if that meant he needed to be periodically milked!?!?!? Greg asked if it happened more when his wife was breastfeeding but no.

Alex claimed he looked it up as a symptom on his ipad and said either he had a lymph (? or something) tumor or something else. The contestant said he's had it since he was a teen so he's probably fine. Greg said his uncle didn't survive.

Greg said he went to the doctor as a teen, with his mum, because he thought he was turning into a woman. Because his breasts were puffy. Turns out he had a real condition (he named it but I cannot remember) where his skin was sensitive and would swell on contact. He'd pulled himself into a dinghy and caught both nipples on the edge of it and they'd puffed up like tits.

I cannot convey how much that contestant having lactating, salty nipples was discussed and referenced.

Other. Out of nowhere, after or during the censorship task, Greg turned to Alex and said "I'd like to enter YOUR [beep]" He made the beep noise himself.

That Ad Break

Ad break - if you live within 2 minutes, contact Greg on social media and he'll send Alex around for some 'fun' - he's what's known in the sex world as a unicorn and he's ready to be the meat in your (couple’s) sandwich. !!!

Task 2 - Jingling

Alex said it was a real historical game played (ofc) and Greg was amazed and fascinated. Kept asking "Really?" There were jokes about doing paintings instead of photos from the contestants but GREG WANTED TO KNOW about the historical element! Alex explained a little, and said he'd done a documentary for BBC 4 and Greg immediately turned off, saying he didn't want to sit through half an hour of Alex's stupid explanation. Then he said the gallery just told him it was an hour long, not 30 minutes, and Greg laughed because that was so much worse.

Task 3 - Nine Nuts or Nails

Oh god the knickers of the doll. Endless. Greg insisting the episode would be named after it. The contestant saying how awful it felt in the room after the task. Never ending reference to it. Greg saying there was no reason for Chair 5 to have done that. Then Greg said when he was growing up, in the 80s his sister had a doll that could wet itself - that would be a reason to take the underwear off a doll.

Greg was asked if he played with dolls and he very insistently replied NO - he played with action figures. Then he just sat there and didn't quite smile. Like he absolutely almost smirked for 15 seconds while the audience and contestants worked out what an absolute liar he was. LIAR! The smirk slowly spread.

Live Task - Mop Jousting

When Alex was introducing and demonstrating the task, he did not quietly squeak like a mouse, so Greg asked if Alex would squeak for him? Alex initially declined but Greg insisted and Alex did a little squeak. Greg wanted more. So Alex squeaked more. This went on for about 3 or 4 increasingly loud squeaks until Greg was satisfied with making Alex do what he wanted.

During the live task, Alex mentioned centimetres of a gap and then pointed out that he'd mixed his imperial and metric measurements. He considered this worthy of note and seemed slightly miffed about it.

At one point, Alex wasn't sure if the mop had touched face, and turned to look at the audience and we all, on that side of the audience (stage right) all agreed that it had been safe - he seemed to take that as reassuring confirmation.

SO much time in the live task taken by Alex trying to rearrange the mop 'hair' or head to ensure the GoPro on the head of the mop wasn't too obscured. Armando in particular kept absentmindedly twirling the mop and getting all the moppy strands over the camera. SO much time.

Alex got the wrong total at the end (3-2 rather than 4-1) and had to redo it. He scuttled away afterwards saying "Sorry!". When he was getting back into position he quite firmly shoved Kumail contestant back because he thought they hadn't stood there at that point. Little did he know, Kumail contestant WAS there – had been creeping up on Alex to see for themselves the measuring. (You can see like a frame or two of Kumail's position in the episode.)

After the Show

At the end, Greg wanted to sing the carrot hymn again. The blue jumper lady could remember the tune, apparently but no-one remembered the lyrics. Except. I'd written them down. Mark noticed and I pointed out my little notebook and was asked if I'd really written them down, by Greg. (I think he called me a nerd.) I said I had, and then recited them. (Put on my best voice.)