daughter of persephone

Unmoving

Unwavering

Anchored in place

The world moves swiftly around me

Ever growing

Ever changing

It doesn’t stop for me

It never would

I’m too soft to be here

Not built for your hard rules

Your piercing edges and sharp lines

Nothing in your world makes sense to me

I was dropped here by mistake, it seems

But your world is oh so cold

And my softness must persist

It cannot thrive

I cannot thrive

But I have no choice but to move forward

To navigate through this mess

This labyrinth of spikes and spears

Catching and snagging and tearing at me

At my heart and my lungs

Taking bits and pieces of me each time

I cannot thrive here

Maybe I’m meant to bear burdens

To feel a constant crushing weight on my shoulders

To watch as others play with their toys while I sit with empty hands

Maybe I’m not meant to feel love

Maybe I’m meant to only give it to others

To feel a constant companion in isolation

To watch as others drink from their overflowing cups and mine runs dry

Maybe it’s my divine punishment

Maybe I was cruel in love in a past life

Threw my heart around like it cost nothing

Spat on the concept of companionship in favor of fleeting moments of passion

Maybe I broke so many hearts I didn’t deserve one in this life

So now I’m forced to watch as others feast

With my starving eyes and hungry hands

Praying

Repenting

For sins I’m not aware of

Sitting by the table like a begging dog waiting for scraps

Hoping maybe I’ve earned a treat or

Something

Anything

Is this cosmic dust flowing through my veins

Proof that I am nothing but a blip

A buzz of a bee

A blink of an eye

Am I a person, or am I a whisper?

Am I something tangible

Or am I a false name being carried by the wind

Something easily brushed off and explained

Forgotten about and discarded in a moments notice

Perhaps I am an oil spill

Clinging to any bit of life I can get

Settling my poison into every pore and crevice

Overstaying a welcome I wasn’t granted

Maybe I am everything and I am nothing

And wonder if I’ll ever truly love who I see

If that person staring back at me

Is even capable of such a thing

My body grows and changes

Stretching and shrinking

Blemishing, fading

But my heart turns sour

My insides corrode

My mind feels love

But is my body capable of holding it?

Is there space for these chemicals to go?

Or will I turn everything rotten?

Will the gentle touch of my fingertips spread

My decay to one who doesn’t deserve it?

In my pursuit of love

Can I ever

Will I ever

Truly be able to hold it in the palm of my hand

Can it caress my skin the way it yearns to be

Can it make me feel whole?

But perhaps I am a bottomless pit

I’ll claw and fight and spit

Dragging you and everything else down with me

In the name of love

In the name of my selfish desires

And, perhaps, unfortunately

I will continue to love not knowing if I should

Eyes blindfolded and chest wide open

Bleeding and beating

So everyone can gaze upon my rot

To weigh it against a feather

And determine my fate

To decide if I deserve that relief

That Holy chemical sensation

Tell me their sweet nothings

Promise me my hearts desires

They kiss my vision a rosy pink

Come to the edge

They sing

Dive in the water

We won’t let you drown

The water looks so inviting from here

Oh, wouldn’t it be nice to give in?

To go right to the edge?

Grey matter

Dust and ash

Spilling out of my mouth and lungs

Pouring past my eyes

Dripping down my nose

Choking coughing spitting

I cough to expel but it fills back up

It sits and stagnates

Festering and growing

Mosquitos breed and feed on my flesh

But at least there’s something thriving in my body

Something that’s breathing

Norepinephrine flows through my bloodstream

The stench of fear in the air is pungent

I must run

I’m not safe here

Not safe in my body

Evacuate

My brain says to me

Run

I have nowhere to go

The earth has swallowed me whole

Gripped me by the ankles like a shackle

I cannot outrun myself

I cannot outrun my fear

I am forced to endure

To stew in my adrenaline

Dizzy and weak in the knees

My vision narrows and the walls close in

I have nowhere to go

I want soft lips and firm, loving hands

I want to be painted with bites and bruises

Sweet nothings whispered in my ear

I want messy kisses and

Beautiful moans intertwined with laughter

I want to feel wanted

Suppress

Condense

Restrict

Repeat

I swallow my heart and my pride

I tell myself it’s for my safety

I don’t know if that’s even true anymore

I had to build this box to keep myself from harm

From chaos and conflict and monsters

But the real monster is me

I’ve chained myself to this box

I betray myself

I am disgusting

Everything around me is filthy

I live in it

I breathe it

Me and the filth we coexist

We tiptoe around each other in a delicate dance

It follows me like a shadow

And it comforts me like a vice

Me and the filth we coexist

I cannot separate it from myself

It was built from me

It has my eyes and my temper

And it consumes and spreads and

Piles up all around me until I am

Drowning in it

The filth cannot control itself

It cannot help the way it was made

It only does what it knows to do

I built it in my image

Warning me of impending doom

I rot in my bed all day

Swirling down the drain

Watching my life slip away from me

And I don’t know how to stop it

I am aware of every single sensation in my body

And the slightest change is enough to send me

Over the edge

Free falling into terror

Clawing the air hoping to get

A grasp on my sanity