Beauty Queen at only eighteen.

Apparently my tattoos. I’m a walking conversation piece. Then someone inevitably mentions the ones they wanna get, or their own horror stories. And that’s usually my cue to steer the convo to anything other than shop talk. Jeff? Guy’s a total jackass. Much as I’d like to see someone make him cry, I wouldn’t push you on a two pump chump like that.

You need to throw a disclaimer up in your Tinder bio so you can just chuck water in their face if they try to go there. What’s his story? Lately, I’ve got the time and my evil hasn’t had a suitable jerk to unleash it’s self on, so send him my way if you need some lunch break entertainment. 

mercy: I ain't mean to hit you with that "das sad"

mercy: it was only a lil sad 🤧

mercy: actually nope. just stress eat and a lifetime biopic with not trash singing.

tana: your lucky I’m shit out of luck in quality acquaintances, because I’m ignoring that so we can continue this blossoming friendship.

Ryder: maybe murder plus a sex tape, a two for one.

Ryder: right...

Ryder: look, i didn't like having to do all that okay?

tana: again, cake walk. plus, your cheeks look great in it.

mercy: is that not ragu alfredo mix?

mercy: you got the fat bitch in me intrigued.

mercy: but smoking and chefing up pasta? damn that's kinda sad san 😬

tana: you and your intrigue can find another impeccably microwaved bowl of pasta to judge elsewhere with all that 'that's sad san'.

[....]

I don’t know how anyone as a kid could have believed in the Easter Bunny? I always thought it was a weird concept growing up, a giant rabbit…going around and planting eggs? It doesn’t make any sense, but fuck it, anything for some free candy I guess. Either way, that creepy ass bunny is making his rounds around Castleport, I saw him lingering in the parking lot of a Dunkin Donuts.

Leave that poor bunny alone and the free candy. Jesus gave him a fate of dressing up in an itchy suit that smells like cigarettes once a year, and the rest of the year, crabs and food stamps. 

Ryder: yeah, but if I'm a hub of scandal, there are about a million other guys ready to take my spot...which I'm not gonna let happen.

Ryder: I've basically muted all my social media things right now, it's just full of...chaos.

tana: maybe murder? this is a cake walk for the NFL.

[....]

tana: I'm sure if you keep throwing the L word around more you'll ease some critics.

I mean that’s fair. I just figure that’s at least second date talk. Can’t bust out the dick tats tales too soon, gotta work up to it. Wait, you mean Jeff? Tall guy, dark hair? You dodged a bullet. 

What’s first date talk then? See, you have the personality to hold back on the good stuff, most 7 in the face’s and 3′s in personality have to go big or go home. Ya, how so? 

Ryder: it's an, i'm on my way.

Ryder: the damage control is exhausting, but, hopefully going to make said big wigs relax a bit...at least i hope.

tana: they think you're the young bunk they can get a few super bowl rings out of? 'cos I'm sure if so, they'll relax.

Yeah, something tells me a story about a guy’s private parts ain’t exactly first date talk. But uh, who are we talking about, co-worker-wise? 

I think that depends on personal standards and expectations. I for one, expect some one of a kind tattoo tales. Throw me a bland ‘tramp stamp’ story and I’m clocking out midway through the date with dinner and dessert to-go on the guy. Jimmy or whatever, or maybe it’s John.

I think some nudity is quite different from watching full blown pornography. I haven’t yet, no.

I raise you Shakespeare in Love and Monster Ball. 

Ryder: it's off season, and with everything going on with me, drug testing is the last thing on anyone's mind.

tana: so....is that not a no...

[....]

Ryder: look at you, all master chef.

Ryder: looks great, and smoking sounds...so fucking great right now.

tana: then let’s smoke.

Nah, I turned him down. But my co-worker took one for the team so if you want a good story involving tatooing parts that belong inside of pants, feel free to hit him up. Figured I’d have enough troubles. 

Sammy, take one for the team next time and get the story directly. I’ve already swiped left on your co-workers more than once, I’m trying to save myself the ‘so....’ after they’re done giving me my thrills by telling me about someone’s permanent fuck up. 

tana: I swear this strain I got is making a chef out of me.

tana: [sends photo of chicken alfredo]

Oh - wow, yeah that won’t be a themed night that I host. Sorry to put a damper on things - you may need to organize that one yourself. Also - I’m adorable.  

I’m guessing at least twice. You don’t get those kinds of dumb ideas unless you’re tryin’ to make up for stupid shit. Nah I wouldn’t exactly call it a problem; just sharing an experience. There’s already enough drama, it’s my way of lightening the mood. Maybe scarring a few people.

I’m always dying to deflect with other people’s drama, so please tell me you got a good story when you were in every-man’s land.