she’s a snarl-toothed seether

Won't go anywhere with her. Insults her. Makes her play tradwife for his slobbering ass. All that shit. Anyway, she was clearly trying to, like, gauge if her lack of enthusiasm for his behavior was warranted. A lot of her questions kind of boiled down to, "Am I just being a hysterical womyn or was that kind of mean of him?" And I proceeded to sit and talk with her but mostly listen to her vent and add commentary about him.

And if you could see this womyn laugh and kick her feet, absolutely scandalized at the way I was talking about him and how I was affirming her. At some point, I said, "You should bring him down here. So I can talk to him." And she does that scream laugh with hands over the mouth and says, "I would love to know what you'd say to him!"

But eventually, she did get emotional and kind of teared up. She said, "I know he has issues but...he's just plain mean, sometimes." Flat out told her to leave him. She's in her 50s so, reasonably, she took it as a joke. But this is California, baby. Half his shit became hers the second they said, 'I do.'

Then, in this momentary confidence, she says, "I always thought of moving to (beach city in CA), getting one of those cute trailers and just going to church and just getting away from all the opinions and noise."

Do I think I am going to change this 50+ year old womyn's entire life from one conversation while we held peaches in our hands? Obviously not. But this was one of those times where I almost defaulted to just comforting her without actually objecting to the negative force in her life out of fear of ... I don't even know. Coming off too strong? Being rude? I'm writing this and I don't even have a foundation for that fear other than I am not immune to the propaganda.

All I know is that I, not generally a hug initiator, asked for a hug. And that lady who I plan to see this week hugged me so hard and said, "Thank you for all your kind words, young lady."

He's reduced her self-esteem and made her easier to control, and prevent her from deciding to leave due to his abuse. Outright telling women in abusive relationships to leave usually doesn't work, because the women either through physical, financial, or psychological means has her autonomy reduced. They no longer can trust their own judgment and don't act according to how bad things make them feel. Outsiders (even if well-meaning) telling them what to do and applying their own judgment might not help, because the woman still doesn't have her sense of autonomy.

It's like someone being in a cult, you can't force them to leave either. Because of the psychological hold, they are likely to go back until they truly believe they deserve better than being abused and feel in control/safe. Most of what you should do it seems (unless they're in imminent danger) is be there as a support, help them question their treatment, and build up their self-esteem.

I'm autistic so tbh I'm not socially adept enough to engage with victims IRL, but I try to keep this in mind when engaging with women in abusive, exploitative, or neglectful relationships online and so far it seems to be more productive? It sounds like you did a good job helping her feel affirmed that she's being mistreated and deserves better.

Your hesitation to shit on her husband is rational, it can make women feel uncomfortable and stop engaging. You see it so often with women in unhealthy relationships online, other women tell her to leave or he sucks and then she starts defending him and the relationship.

Girls like that won't be allowed to show their emotions at home without being treated as hysterical growing up. someone who can easily be ridiculed, the butt of the joke. The family clowns. Don't get me started on puberty. Her brothers will be punching holes in walls, but God forbid a female child shows any mood swings.

Meanwhile, her brothers are going to grow up not worried about that. Every time they throw a tantrum as children, they won't be told it's because they are males and males are crazy hysterical burdens to others. They are just kids having tantrums.

Not only that, you can't be warned about the dangers around you. My area has several places putting up warnings about drug poisonings and tainted drug supplies in the area, but that doesn't matter because most of my clients are reading at a 3rd grade level (if that) and can't read the words like carfentanyl let alone know what it means for them. We put up signs with instructions on how and when to use Narcan but if my clients can only follow instructions through pics, those words are useless.

My clients end up in hospital a lot and are often released with a pamphlet of instructions for how to take care of themselves once released. They may as well print out the instructions in Russian for all the good it does for my clients, who can't follow along! They cannot understand the tasks they are supposed to be doing for their health and it means that they often end up as frequent flyers in the ER for ailments a literate person would have been able to tend to on their own.