vxmpire

im so straight that i thought i was bi

let me elaborate

(also disclaimer sorry if this gets people pissed, i 100% would understand cause damn whats my problem, like i honestly dont know. but i am just unfiltered on here so i say word for word what goes through my mind + i never lead girls on or anything, this is purely because my life was boring af and needed a new little secret to keep myself busy.)

i have always known i was straight and i never questioned it. i was 7 looking at the hot spanish lifeguards on the beach and drooling over hot actors. like i am as straight as it gets. i never had anything against the queer community, in fact i even asked myself 'would i picture myself with a girl?' and the answer was always no. i was infact so straight that by the ripe age of 12 thought to myself 'what's better then 1 man?' the answer is two of them together; i figured out i loved seeing mlm. like this might be the part that pisses ppl off and i promise i am not trying to fetishise anything but yeah. the same way i like seeing men cry, i like seeing men on men. either way, i loved it so much that i kind of was pissed that could never be me. like, in this life time i would never be a boy with a boyfriend. smh.

everything about it was so hot like THAT SHOULD BE ME. not in the transgender way but idk. looking at wlw didn't give me the same effect, because as i might have mentioned 10 times i LOVED guys and was so so straight. now the thing is i started reconsidering if i might not be even slightly gay like bi for exemple, because i wanted to get that same vibe i saw in mlm media, but obv looking over the fact that i am not a man. the type of crush that gives you an adrenaline rush cause no one can find out, picking up on random signs and some great confession. (guys i know i am not ok. i also dont plan on anyone encountering this post so if you do i am genuinly sorry for wasting your time lmao)

in school i would always pick out a random guy to have a crush on when class was boring, to entertain myself a little and give me a reason to go to school. i decided to do the same for a girl. i picked out a girl to force myself to try to have a crush on and saw if it worked. to my surprise it really did. idk what kind of gaslighting master i am but i had a crush on a random girl. nothing special, later i had another small crush (which i believe was lowk forced aswell) on a friend, but that quickly left too.

noww after this crush-ish thing went away i was just always straight like usual. for like a long time. mind you, i knowww i am straight, for example i can not look at an attractive female and get all smiley like with a man. i want to BE her not be WITH her. until i randomlyyyyyyy got a crush on my friend. i dont know if this was lowkey also forced, or genuine but it happened in a matter of seconds. i had this friend for like 2 years almost so it's totaly random. whenever i did pick out a girl to have some kind of weird ass crush on just for entertainement (i know this sounds so bad but its not like i was leading them on, it was genuinly JUSTTT for my own entertainement. never acted on it. it sounds fucked up.) they would always look the same and have the same vibe. that type of girl that is so white she almost looks asian. alt girls. slightly masc in the way she acts but can deffinetely dress up.

now i obv know i am not bi or lesbian or whatever but i can't get this crush to leave me???? like i totally did this to myself too. i find myself being sad whenever she reposts stuff about a guy but then i think to myself I DONT GAFFFFF like omfg what is my problem is my life really this boring??? yes.

stressed af for exams but i kind of want it to just be over so i guess throw them at me im ready

not yet tho jk i havent done shit omg what is my problem

also some of these exams are just oral so like idk if i should be more or less stressed? i will rank orders of how stressed i am and why

math- (5hrs)

literally suck at it, dont even remember everything we learnt and its a five hour exam in the heat like omg leave me alone. i just simply dont understand it and theres like a different answer for every question (idk if you understand what i mean) but so yeah you cant be 100% prepared cause what if you dont know that one answer??

dutch- (4hrs)

look this would be much lower usually, even one of the last, but it's just gotten so hard and so MUCH like omg how am i supposed to do this??? like eveyr language we have many pre exams (speaking, writing, listening). also i was supposed to read 3 books and have read none. i read the example questions and they're so specific i dont even think i can fake it if i read the most detailed summary.

biology- (2hrs)

again, i wouldnt put it this high. i totally understand it, but the questions she asks are just weird af? like they have nothing to do with what she teaches us and even if she did she never taught us how we would have to ajnswer any of that. i have three days to prepare tho, so we'll see ig? the problem is as much as i think im ready i know shes gonna pull up with weird ass questions.

chemistry- (2hrs)

i used to suck at this but i kind of like it now? when i dont understand i REALLY dont understand, but when i do i feel like a genius and i can answer every single question. he is a bit esigent on the answers of his tests and it is a LOT. idk.

german-- (2hrs)

guys im usually so good at languages but idkkk.. i understand german i think? but i always fail on the writing part n havent learnt well for any of the voc tests throughout the months; i will have to catch up everything 500+ words and their plural (which can differ a lot from the original, doesnt have a strict rule they follow). also all of the pre exams are hard for this subject (listening is fast and not understandable, writing i always fail because of the kasus, reading i always seem to miss what shes asking me). stressed!!! lowk a lot.

physics- (2hrs)

would have put it like second buttttt: on christmas exams i did pretty well and again, all you have to do is understand and make loads of exercises. idk. it is a lot and im not really paying attention. she has barely done any tests this semester and usually i would be happy, but this stresses me out. do i even know everything?

geography- (2hrs)

look i kind of dont know where to put this subject. is it a lot of hard info to memorize by heart? yes. are all of her tests easy and even multiple choice? also yes. is it the most out of every subject i need to learn? yes again. is it the subject that MATTERS the most? absolutely not. i guess we'll see i wont be devastated if i dont pass. idk.

french- (oral-- 30 mins?)

it's not my worst subject at all. i'm just stressed bc it's oral and as much as she's one of my fave teachers, she kind of scares me. we'll see how it goes.

history- (2hrs)

a LOT. i have to kind of memorize it but i will say: i love his class and the way he tells us these stories just makes it so fun and so so interesting to learn that i dont mind studying history at all. matter of fact i enjoy it. but it is sooo muchhh... we'll see. idk. also if you black out on one detail of the story, i tend to forget the rest.

english- (oral)

dont be fooled my my poor english skills on my posts, its because im typing fast before the idea slips away. english, my love, so so easy. usually. this year is harder but that doesnt stop it from being the easiest. also it being oral is cherry on top. im pretty ok at that. i talk to myself in english all the time while i pretend to be famous one day. we'll see

ok since exams are coming up i decided i am going to start on time this once. i kind of made my planning and i realize i only have ike three weeks left. i dont know if thats a lot or very little, i always forget when i started last exam season. anyways i want to be more organized and disciplined in what i do daily. i am not an organized person, but organization makes me feel so good.

i am the type of person that wakes up 20 minutes before leaving, throws on the clothes i wore yesterday, dont eat breakfast because i dont have time, hurry to get to school on time, doesn't always take notes in class, comes home and scrolls for at least 1.5 hours before actually starting. while starting if its somethiing hard, i get stressed and watch videos to take the stress off/ i feel paralysed by the amount of stuff i need to get done. when i actually think something is easy, my first thought is never 'oh lets get this out of the way, its easy and quick and i can relax the rest of the night'. i think more like 'omg this is easy i can afford to get distracted, i'll just do it later'. sometimes my procastination is so bad i dont even do it until the morning after, or the classes i have before the one where i need to take a test. and obviously doing this i never show my full potential. because sometimes even when i do, i seem to always fail and be average. i figured i could waste less time to get around the same grade, since it's not going to make a difference.

i feel like im just always looking for shortcuts in life, little pathways to avoid having to do things i dont want. a lot of people say 'the only way out, is through'. i dont know what to make of that. sometimes it motivates me, but i mostly dont think that is true at all. ii cheat on tests i dont want to study for or stay home when i didnt feel like studying the night before. white lies to get out of situations, procastination to the last possible moment, i lift when i dont feel like spending my money to buy something and i'll admit i even stolllle from other people. are these shortcuts for life or will it all catch up with me? i also dont seem to feel alot of guilt when it comes to these things. i dont know if thats selfish. for example when i stolle form someone, who never harmed me in any way, i didnt feel a drop of guilt. not even guilt for not feeling guilt. my mindset is more like 'its already not fair i can't get as much stuff as they can afford, so i deserve this. it wont hurt them, they'll get it back.'

in my brain i know this is wrong, but hey, im just typing out my real thoughts and feelings, wrong or not. i would also never admit to this to anybody, except my sister maybe. also im kind of getting along better with her since yesterday night. we were mocking and ragebaiting eachother at the dinner table, but instead of getting mad we were js laughing. the we spent a lot of time (like a bit less then two hours) together, just hanging out in my room. laughing and talking. im relieved. i feel like often i can only get along with her in moments where i dont totally get along with my parents. which is weird? but it feels like teaming up i guess and when my sister is the only one 'against' my parents i js find her disrespectfull and i cant seem to bond, cause shes pissed at me aswell. i dont know what just happened but this has nothing to do with the rest of the post.

ignore the yap underneath...

#dddiary regular diary entry. probably the most boring day ever, or maybe something exiting will happen soon who knows. most posts will have this hashtag paired with another one or multiple. idk yet. it's my blog and i decide.

#rrrant is for rants about people that annoy me, bad situations, and just me letting it all out.

#ssstorytime is for storytimes: could be embarassing ones, happy, sad, funny, .. whatever. i might add something like #sthap for happy storytimes for example. (stsad for sad ones and so on)

#uuupdate updates on my life, what i've been up to

#iiideas things i want to try, ideas i get at the wrong time, or when i dont ffeel like it.

#mmmybrain is for my thoughts. the type of conversations i would have with myself outloud, kind of all put togheter in a post. could be about actual political news, about how i feel about white chocolate, things people do that i hate, ... literally anything. a brain dump.

#dddeep is for maybe a poem or a quote or a mentality that i heard of and wanted to share and remember

#cccancelled is for hot takes. people always say 'hot take but __' and then proceed to say what we were all thinking. oh honey you have not seen hot takes, cause they're hot for a reason. if this was shared anywhere else i'd probs get cancelled

#pppicture an actual picture from my day/life !! probably paired with a diary entry.

i was just fucking around on the search bar trying to find old blogs and i managed to find a hidden gem i hadn't seen before. idk why, but all the other times i tried searching for old blogs, i would always search '365 blog', or something like that. why did i not realize most years have 364 days? anyways i haven't read every single one of the entries, but i have read it from 1-50 and some other random ones. i think there's about 125 in total.

i think its pretty cool to find a blog like this, almost intimate. it has zero notes, no mention of their name or where they live, just their age and their raw thoughts. i dont know if they would have thought somebody would find it someday. or if they wanted to. i also dont know what i want from this blog.

i was seriously scared for a sec.

i haven't written on this blog for so long ! not that anyone reads it.

today and yesterday were good days. all of february was rainy and it even snowed, but randomly yesterday and today we got sunshine, no clouds or rain and 18 degrees !! i enjoyed today more then yesterday even if it was warmer yesterday. today i was still at school during the peak temperature while yesterday i was at home cause we had a half day. anyways i woke up so tired today and i just had to rush everything and my first two periods were PE. we were outside doing baseball and i loved it and we won!! then we had history and we had to draw a map (without looking) of africa and what parts were for what country. i drew some animals on there and my friends divided and coloured the countries. we won !! again!! usually everything goes against me. we won a knock off snickers bar and it was actually pretty good. lunch break was heavenly. the sun was shining bright and i was outside with my sweater (i couldve easily walked around in my tank top idk why i didnt.) when we got back to school i walked around for 5 minutes in my tank top. ugh i lovve. then we had two deadly hours of dutch but it was ok bc the weather really put me in a great mood. i went back home and there everything went back wrong after a day of feeling invicible. i have a math test tomorrow but its 21.36 at night and i've GENUINLY done NOTHING AT ALL. like at all i can barely tell you what the test is even about. i'm not going to school tomorrow, but i have a bad feeling it wont workout for me and i'll get a zero or something. idk. usually when i set my mind on not going to school i get this kind of voorgevoel that im sure my mom will say yes and ill stay home. for some reason i dont have that now. i hope i wont go so i can also work on my video for german that i havent made yet and was actually for yesterday oops.

ANYWAYSSS when i was biking back from school i saw Anna and Sam and at first i only saw Anna so i kind of smiled at her and she gave me a big smile and waved. then sam noticed me too and said oh hello but they were biking downwards and i was upwards so it was like one second. kinda think i looked a little rude? idk. K told me A really liked me eekkkk yes. im so glad. you know when you kind of have a friend crush like someone u really want to befriend? she kind of was that for me. ive always thought she was one of his pretties friends and now SHES waving and smiling at me and telling him she thinks im fun? yayyy

because i never expected that. the one time i saw her i think i didnt speak to her at all and wandered off with my friend and she looked a bit judgy. maybe i was just scared of getting judged? either way going out with K and his friends friday before the holidays was genuinly the best choice i've made in a while. i really hope more things like that happen soon and i can get some new friends. i want to expand my circle and this is such a great start. today K mentioned something about 'if i ever did a house party, would you come' and i said YES and i kinda hoped M and L wouldnt be invited whoops but they would be. but A would also be so its fine.

i kinda dislike them (expecially M) at the moment, but its not that i hate them or dont want to be friends anymore. its more like: we've been friends since 8th grade and thats wonderful but im kinda getting really tired from you. they do understand me better than anyone i think but they also hold me back form so many (social) opportunities. plus, i want other options cause i genuinly only have four friends right now, maybe five if you count I. two who i would stop and talk to if i saw them (S and M) and a bunch i would just smile to (M, A, R, ...) plus i want to add that when im in situations where i could socialize and make friends, they kind of hold me back because one im jsut embarassed cause i look like a fake outgoing person but like they dont know all parts of me and even if im forcing myself a little bit to be more social thats my buisness no? secondly its like if we go in a group of 5 i mostly wander of with them. no matter who else is there. and everyone on oude always sees us three togheter. eveyrone at school too. i hate seeing people we know when im out with them. really. i feel like i used to feel in primary school and i hate that feeling of feeling like a dumb loser without any friends. they kind of embarass me a lot sometimes, even though i feel lowkey mean for saying this. but like why are you even acting like that? with your annoying voice saying cringy ass things in our ONE class with the judgiest but finest boys?? come on now. making weird awkward ass faces all the time in public. being embarassed infront of the whole class. dancing in class. this is not me being a boring person this is just me feeling stupid as fuck and hating being made fun of or even just judged and you're out here doing everything in your power to make me feel like that what the heck. how are YOU not embarassed? like i understand and im glad you're confident, but i honestly was just now before you started singing despacito and quoting thirty memes while laughing super loud. beofre the teacher mentioned your boyfriend gave his presentation about fortnite and all the boys were laughing and saying cringeeee. and we are associated togheter. or after you turned red when the teacher mentioned that. or when you were playing adopt me in class but the popular boy was looking at your screen grinning and wanting to say something before i caught him looking then he stopped? when he took a picture of your laptop home screen cause it was a picture of your ugly bf's big head, then they were giggling to eachother showing the picture and whispering 'thats her background' or when youwere wobbling to throw your gum out and were red and awkward all the time and sounded like you were about to cry? or literally any day? i hate this.

i used to be kind of obsessed with the idea of being popular. this is kind of exposing myself and my weird habits but i would litterally make pie charts with girls from my grade and who was the most popular. i would try to see how i could get up there, always failing. i felt kind of out of place but still cocky as usual. i was and still am so contradictive. i dont think i could ever be able to describe myself but at the same time i know myself so well. see i did it right here? anyways the problem is that i was kind of not understanding the concept of popularity. i was looking to become pretty, have loads of friends who look up to me, body tea and just considered popular. now this concept doesnt even exist anymore, even though i always thought it would peak in highschool. now what i mean if i were to use the word popular (which i wouldnt) i would mean just having myself figured out and having loads of connections, especially crossing multiple schools. not telling eveyrone my buisness, having a bomb instagram page, glowing up constantly and having my own clothing style. just being cool. i never thought id say this but im more inclined to use the word cool than popular. who cares about popularity? half these people in these circles are insufferable. if you're cool you attract cool people you look and dress cool have cool interest cool music taste cool reposts cool cool cool cool cool cool!!!!!! then your cool and thats ten times better. anyone can look at you and say yea i know her shes chill or omg i love her or people kind of just know you or know about you. i would love random fucntions all of the time, working and getting my own money, body and skin being tea, face card always on fleek, nails, lashes, hair, CLOTHES especially is somehting i struggled with

today we got a mail from our school, inviting us to an info session about exchange years.

it has always been in the back of my mind to do one becuase i want to experience other countries like their locals do and i want to have their school experiences too. imagine just flying out to the other side of the world to experience life there with people your age??

i was lowkey exited but deep down i was like "im def never gonna do this anyways" but the more i looked on their website the more i became conviced to actually do it. there's so many countries to chose from, i am expecially interested in south america. i would love to go to Brazil, but i dont speak a word of portuguese tho. some other options are: argentina, colombia, paraguay, republica dominicana, mexico, ..

my top three right now are mexico, argentina and republica dominicana. colombia also really interests me, after i saw some videos of exchange students there lol.

im just so scared because it all really depends on the family they assign you to. do they have kids my age? do they speak a little bit of english? are they kind or am i going to be very unlucky?

the perfect situation would be: nice family, private school, friendly people that i can befriend easily, i learn the language fast and don't miss home. the possibility of this happening is about 0%.

i lowkey want to prove people wrong, have an amazing experience and experience the world. when am i going to get the chance otherwise?? ugh idkk

ok so i was so depressed for a few days

it might have also been cause i was on my period but dangg

life is kinda boring exams are coming up and i just want some juice in my life but i acc want to lock in for exams so maybe afterwards idk..

in christmas break imma be working so much trust

i hope he's gonna be there to hehehe i hope he's not on vacation or anything ugh