#dddiary

stressed af for exams but i kind of want it to just be over so i guess throw them at me im ready

not yet tho jk i havent done shit omg what is my problem

also some of these exams are just oral so like idk if i should be more or less stressed? i will rank orders of how stressed i am and why

math- (5hrs)

literally suck at it, dont even remember everything we learnt and its a five hour exam in the heat like omg leave me alone. i just simply dont understand it and theres like a different answer for every question (idk if you understand what i mean) but so yeah you cant be 100% prepared cause what if you dont know that one answer??

dutch- (4hrs)

look this would be much lower usually, even one of the last, but it's just gotten so hard and so MUCH like omg how am i supposed to do this??? like eveyr language we have many pre exams (speaking, writing, listening). also i was supposed to read 3 books and have read none. i read the example questions and they're so specific i dont even think i can fake it if i read the most detailed summary.

biology- (2hrs)

again, i wouldnt put it this high. i totally understand it, but the questions she asks are just weird af? like they have nothing to do with what she teaches us and even if she did she never taught us how we would have to ajnswer any of that. i have three days to prepare tho, so we'll see ig? the problem is as much as i think im ready i know shes gonna pull up with weird ass questions.

chemistry- (2hrs)

i used to suck at this but i kind of like it now? when i dont understand i REALLY dont understand, but when i do i feel like a genius and i can answer every single question. he is a bit esigent on the answers of his tests and it is a LOT. idk.

german-- (2hrs)

guys im usually so good at languages but idkkk.. i understand german i think? but i always fail on the writing part n havent learnt well for any of the voc tests throughout the months; i will have to catch up everything 500+ words and their plural (which can differ a lot from the original, doesnt have a strict rule they follow). also all of the pre exams are hard for this subject (listening is fast and not understandable, writing i always fail because of the kasus, reading i always seem to miss what shes asking me). stressed!!! lowk a lot.

physics- (2hrs)

would have put it like second buttttt: on christmas exams i did pretty well and again, all you have to do is understand and make loads of exercises. idk. it is a lot and im not really paying attention. she has barely done any tests this semester and usually i would be happy, but this stresses me out. do i even know everything?

geography- (2hrs)

look i kind of dont know where to put this subject. is it a lot of hard info to memorize by heart? yes. are all of her tests easy and even multiple choice? also yes. is it the most out of every subject i need to learn? yes again. is it the subject that MATTERS the most? absolutely not. i guess we'll see i wont be devastated if i dont pass. idk.

french- (oral-- 30 mins?)

it's not my worst subject at all. i'm just stressed bc it's oral and as much as she's one of my fave teachers, she kind of scares me. we'll see how it goes.

history- (2hrs)

a LOT. i have to kind of memorize it but i will say: i love his class and the way he tells us these stories just makes it so fun and so so interesting to learn that i dont mind studying history at all. matter of fact i enjoy it. but it is sooo muchhh... we'll see. idk. also if you black out on one detail of the story, i tend to forget the rest.

english- (oral)

dont be fooled my my poor english skills on my posts, its because im typing fast before the idea slips away. english, my love, so so easy. usually. this year is harder but that doesnt stop it from being the easiest. also it being oral is cherry on top. im pretty ok at that. i talk to myself in english all the time while i pretend to be famous one day. we'll see

ok since exams are coming up i decided i am going to start on time this once. i kind of made my planning and i realize i only have ike three weeks left. i dont know if thats a lot or very little, i always forget when i started last exam season. anyways i want to be more organized and disciplined in what i do daily. i am not an organized person, but organization makes me feel so good.

i am the type of person that wakes up 20 minutes before leaving, throws on the clothes i wore yesterday, dont eat breakfast because i dont have time, hurry to get to school on time, doesn't always take notes in class, comes home and scrolls for at least 1.5 hours before actually starting. while starting if its somethiing hard, i get stressed and watch videos to take the stress off/ i feel paralysed by the amount of stuff i need to get done. when i actually think something is easy, my first thought is never 'oh lets get this out of the way, its easy and quick and i can relax the rest of the night'. i think more like 'omg this is easy i can afford to get distracted, i'll just do it later'. sometimes my procastination is so bad i dont even do it until the morning after, or the classes i have before the one where i need to take a test. and obviously doing this i never show my full potential. because sometimes even when i do, i seem to always fail and be average. i figured i could waste less time to get around the same grade, since it's not going to make a difference.

i feel like im just always looking for shortcuts in life, little pathways to avoid having to do things i dont want. a lot of people say 'the only way out, is through'. i dont know what to make of that. sometimes it motivates me, but i mostly dont think that is true at all. ii cheat on tests i dont want to study for or stay home when i didnt feel like studying the night before. white lies to get out of situations, procastination to the last possible moment, i lift when i dont feel like spending my money to buy something and i'll admit i even stolllle from other people. are these shortcuts for life or will it all catch up with me? i also dont seem to feel alot of guilt when it comes to these things. i dont know if thats selfish. for example when i stolle form someone, who never harmed me in any way, i didnt feel a drop of guilt. not even guilt for not feeling guilt. my mindset is more like 'its already not fair i can't get as much stuff as they can afford, so i deserve this. it wont hurt them, they'll get it back.'

in my brain i know this is wrong, but hey, im just typing out my real thoughts and feelings, wrong or not. i would also never admit to this to anybody, except my sister maybe. also im kind of getting along better with her since yesterday night. we were mocking and ragebaiting eachother at the dinner table, but instead of getting mad we were js laughing. the we spent a lot of time (like a bit less then two hours) together, just hanging out in my room. laughing and talking. im relieved. i feel like often i can only get along with her in moments where i dont totally get along with my parents. which is weird? but it feels like teaming up i guess and when my sister is the only one 'against' my parents i js find her disrespectfull and i cant seem to bond, cause shes pissed at me aswell. i dont know what just happened but this has nothing to do with the rest of the post.