#iiidea

ok since exams are coming up i decided i am going to start on time this once. i kind of made my planning and i realize i only have ike three weeks left. i dont know if thats a lot or very little, i always forget when i started last exam season. anyways i want to be more organized and disciplined in what i do daily. i am not an organized person, but organization makes me feel so good.

i am the type of person that wakes up 20 minutes before leaving, throws on the clothes i wore yesterday, dont eat breakfast because i dont have time, hurry to get to school on time, doesn't always take notes in class, comes home and scrolls for at least 1.5 hours before actually starting. while starting if its somethiing hard, i get stressed and watch videos to take the stress off/ i feel paralysed by the amount of stuff i need to get done. when i actually think something is easy, my first thought is never 'oh lets get this out of the way, its easy and quick and i can relax the rest of the night'. i think more like 'omg this is easy i can afford to get distracted, i'll just do it later'. sometimes my procastination is so bad i dont even do it until the morning after, or the classes i have before the one where i need to take a test. and obviously doing this i never show my full potential. because sometimes even when i do, i seem to always fail and be average. i figured i could waste less time to get around the same grade, since it's not going to make a difference.

i feel like im just always looking for shortcuts in life, little pathways to avoid having to do things i dont want. a lot of people say 'the only way out, is through'. i dont know what to make of that. sometimes it motivates me, but i mostly dont think that is true at all. ii cheat on tests i dont want to study for or stay home when i didnt feel like studying the night before. white lies to get out of situations, procastination to the last possible moment, i lift when i dont feel like spending my money to buy something and i'll admit i even stolllle from other people. are these shortcuts for life or will it all catch up with me? i also dont seem to feel alot of guilt when it comes to these things. i dont know if thats selfish. for example when i stolle form someone, who never harmed me in any way, i didnt feel a drop of guilt. not even guilt for not feeling guilt. my mindset is more like 'its already not fair i can't get as much stuff as they can afford, so i deserve this. it wont hurt them, they'll get it back.'

in my brain i know this is wrong, but hey, im just typing out my real thoughts and feelings, wrong or not. i would also never admit to this to anybody, except my sister maybe. also im kind of getting along better with her since yesterday night. we were mocking and ragebaiting eachother at the dinner table, but instead of getting mad we were js laughing. the we spent a lot of time (like a bit less then two hours) together, just hanging out in my room. laughing and talking. im relieved. i feel like often i can only get along with her in moments where i dont totally get along with my parents. which is weird? but it feels like teaming up i guess and when my sister is the only one 'against' my parents i js find her disrespectfull and i cant seem to bond, cause shes pissed at me aswell. i dont know what just happened but this has nothing to do with the rest of the post.