𝕯𝖚𝖓𝖌𝖊𝖔𝖓 𝕭𝖆𝖙

been seeing this merch here on Tumblr, so then I decided, why not? 😌😆

Warmest regards

Snape making their own Advent and normal Candles with lavender, rose, and marshmallow fragrance😌💖

@danni-the-puff was talking about Snarry in Christmas jumpers. And my mind went brrrrrr.

I'm pretty sure Sev is saying something he wouldn't admit to if he wasn't hiding.

-Break for gossip exchange-

Snape: Hi, are you resting here alone? :^)

Everything is the same, except Snape is much more open with how absolutely DONE he is.

Minerva: “Severus, Potter and Weasley have found the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets and went down without proper supervision, slayed the creature, and saved Ginny Weasley.”

Snape: *ridiculously long sigh and an extended moment of silence* “ God Damn it. Of course they would, what else would they do? God damn it.”

Draco: *gets into a fight with Ron*

Snape: “Malfoy, I swear to….just one fucking day is all I ask… for you to not make someone want to punch you… Just One Day.

Neville: *blows up a cauldron*

Snape: Ah, Mr. Potter… My newest… dark reminder… (continues taking attendance)

Class: ????

—

Dumbledore: And a fuckton of points for Gryffindor! Looks like we have a NEW house champ-

Snape: (loudly) No.

— Snape: Look, Quirrel, let’s be straight. I know you’re trying to steal the damn stone and I am just so fucking tired of keeping Potter alive when you’re clearly out for his head-

Harry (from broom above): WHAT

Snape: (groans loudly as Quirrell bolts) Goddammit, Potter, I didn’t need this unexpected cardio.

—

Harry: I swear I just found Mrs. Norris like this! I didn’t do anything to her! I wouldn’t!

Dumbledore: Harry, of course-

Snape: (taking face out of hands) Why is it always you?

—

Lockhart: And here is my lovely assistant, Severus Snape! Of course, you’ll get your potions professor back in one piece when I’m done with him! (laughs)

Snape: Your unlikely descendents would feel how hard I’m going to curse you if I believed you capable of fathering a child.

Lockhart: What?

Snape: What.

—

Lockhart: It’s VALENTINE’S DAY BITCHES! Get in the spirit! Ask Professor Snape to teach you about love… potions!

Snape: (stands)

Snape: (walks across Great Hall)

Snape: (walks out of Hogwarts)

Snape: (walks across Scotland)

Snape: (walks into the sea)

—

Snape: You’re not hiring a fucking werewolf.

Dumbledore: But who would know better how to fend off Sirius Black than his former be-

Snape: (flatly) -b-b-b-bitch?

—

Snape: Draco is fine, probably.

Draco: (obviously bleeding from reopened wound from Buckbeak) ?!

Snape: Oh, fine, but I’m getting tired of escorting you to the Hospital Wing for self-inflicted wounds.

—

Snape (waking up from being stunned by all Gryffindors present he was trying to save): Well, fine, then. (rolls over)

—

Dumbledore: And that’s it! That’s all our champions- oh, er, except for… (reads) Harry Potter?

Snape: Expel him.

—

Harry: I didn’t put my name in the goblet, I swear!

Snape: You never seem to do anything and yet

—

Snape: Avada kedavra.

Dragon: (dies)

Harry: ???

Judges: !!!

Snape: Yes, well, I am not going to sit here and break my honestly kind of obsessive promise for the sake of a death game. Does that really seem in character to you?

(cheating is against the rules, not the magical contract of the goblet - see: all the fucking cheating)

—

Umbridge: Hem, hem, Professor Snape, might I suggest some changes to your curriculum?

Snape: I don’t have the energy to hate you on top of all my other least favorite people.

—

Firenze: I hope we might be friendly, if not friends, as fellow professors, Severus Snape.

Snape: (shakes hand) I don’t even care anymore.

—

Dumbledore: So, you see, Severus, it really must be you that kills me to cement your place in Voldemort’s ranks and defuse this deathly hallow I’ve been carrying around.

Snape: (looks upward for patience) Why don’t you kill yourself if you want to die so badly?

Dumbledore: …Actually that’s not a half bad idea for neutralizing the elder wand.

—

Voldemort: Severus, are you… still loyal?

Snape: (sighs) I guess.

—

Harry: Oh, no, you’re dying! Professor, how can I-

Snape: Your eyes are… really poking my emotional wounds

Harry: …

Snape: …Fuck off. (dies)

—

Snape (in the afterlife): Thank Merlin that’s over.

Dumbledore: Have you ever heard of guardian spirits, my boy?

Harry: Oh… No… I thought I was done with you!

Snape: And I, you.

(they glare)

Ron: (in a whisper) Harry are you having Voldemort visions right now?

—

Harry: (on the way to death) I open at the close…

Snape: What?

Harry: (kisses snitch)

Snape: Nice to know where your priorities lie.

—

Harry: (with resurrection stone) Mum.. Dad…

Snape: (quietly) noooo

—

Harry: I’m so glad we both survived and it turns out I do love you, Ginny!

Ginny: I love you, too, Harry!

Snape: (quieter) nooooo

—

Ginny: We could name the first one Priscilla and the second one Beaufort and the third Perseph-

Harry and Snape together: NO

—

Hermione: What does our resident ghost have to say about it?

Harry (resigned) and Snape (irritated) together: Not a ghost.

—

Snape: You had your pick of any job in the world.

Harry: (in a hiss) I’m trying to listen.

Snape: They would have fallen over the hems of their robes to have you on a Quidditch team. It wouldn’t be ideal, like a nice shopkeeping position, but better than this.

Harry: (under breath) Give me a break.

Snape: A break? You’ll have at least two broken bones by the time the month is out, mark my words. I’d be surprised if you managed a single arrest in that time, unless it was one you didn’t intend to investigate at all.

Kingsley: So congratulations, graduates, on surviving entry into the aurors!

Harry: (at full volume) Oh, my god, it’s not like I’m incompetent!

Kingsley: …

Entire crowd of graduates and families: …

Harry: Fuck my life.

—

Snape: (bored) Around the corner, in the shed, and two in the basement.

Harry: Oh, thanks. (stuns wizard coming around corner)

Snape: Also…

Harry: Also?

Snape (grins)

Harry (screams and backpedals wildly)

Snape: That’s a quintaped, I think.

(screams in distance)

Snape: Maybe lots of quintapeds?

Harry: (running) HOW ARE YOU GUARDING MY SAFETY AT ALL

Snape: I reserve the right to protest my involuntary assignment.

—

Snape: (languidly jabbing at and through people’s heads as they pass by)

Harry: Please stop.

—

Snape: Page.

Harry: (flips page in the book on the table beside him without looking over)

Snape: (very quietly) Thank you.

—

Harry: What will happen when I die?

Snape: I sincerely hope I never know.

Harry: Hey, you’re saying you don’t want to see me in the afterlife?

Snape: Think through it, Potter. I know you can do it.

Harry: What?

Snape: If I’m still with you after you die, we might still be stuck together. Forever.

Harry: (processes)

Harry: Oh, god, I hope we never see each other again.

Snolidays - Week 1: Light Over Darkness