Don’t Think About It. (Part three)
Genre♥️college au/vacation au, enemies(not really) to fwb to lovers
Parings☎️haechan/donghuck x conflicted reader
Warnings🚨mentions of / alcohol consumption, and Use of nicknames, angsty!!!! Arguing? Sadness? Angst!!! Talking about love and the fear of love! (Philophobia)
Notes📌 This the part three, obviously. There is no smut, but there will be in part four. Yes, there will be a part four. This one is quite short, but that’s because I didn’t want to switch back to the college au in the middle of the same fic. So stay tuned for part four. And please don’t be shy, share your thoughts!
Ever since you were a kid, you made rules for yourself. Adding them as you grew older. And changing them as you experienced. Everyone has rules, wether they realize it or not.
Your rules were basic and simple. Crafted to perfection. And there were also some you didn’t even realize existed:
1. Boys have cooties(except for Johnny) << especially johnny
2. No falling behind <<< (school)
3. Date to marry experience <<< (boys)
4. Don’t be venerable <<< (liars)
5. Privacy is power
6. Stop being so understanding
7. Don’t allow others to love you (no “I love you”’s)
8. Don’t fall on love too quickly
Rule seven had a couple different reasons. Reasons that we don’t need to get into right now. But everyone who has ever “loved” you, didn’t seem to love you enough to stay; ripping pieces each time one of them left. So, you refuse to allow others to feel for you. Not truly. Always subconsciously inviting people into your life, people you know couldn’t hurt you.
But naturally, rules are meant to be broken.
Falling behind in school around the holidays.
Trusting too easily.
Being too understanding/to forgiving.
And allowing others to say those words to you. “I love you”. And you would continuously, stupidly believe them. nothing had changed. Your were always the stupid one, the girl who never understood who she was to people.
But you had rules, rules you tried your best to follow… until haechan.
•••
Muffled Music blared your ears, drawing you from your sleep. It was still dark out, but Haechan was still next to you. You were tired, but relived to feel his presence.
“What time is it?” you ask, Not bothering to check if he was awake.
“Don’t know” he responded, his voice far from tried or drowsy. You drew back to look at him, his body facing you. Haechans eyes find yours as soon as they come into view.
“Have you been awake?” You ask, your brows pinch together, He tried to act as if he had also just woken up. “Huh? No?”
You slightly sit up on the bed. “You totally were- you were watching me sleep!” You announce with a grin on your face.
“No, that would be creepy, and boring. On the other hand, watching you shower-“ you punch him and settle back down into the bed with a soft laugh. He winces but joins you in your laughter nonetheless.
“As much as I’m enjoying this…” heachan began, turning over to sit up straight. “…And believe me, I am” looking down at you with a stupid smirk. He continued “I’m afraid you have to go”
You paused for a moment.
Oh
Oh
Was all of this really just sex? You can’t believe that you let your mind slip- to forget that this isn’t real, for this long at that.
It’s just two friends helping each other out.
You reminded yourself.
Haechan pouted when he saw the look on your face, afraid you got the wrong idea. “Jenos been blowing up your phone. He’s wondering why you’re not joining the party, or why he can’t find you” He informs, hoping to ease the thoughts he knows have filled your mind. Your phone was in his hands, and you grabbed it. Looking through the notifications, you curse yourself- or Jeno actually.
Oh- Damn you jeno! What could he possibly need right now?
You sigh dramatically into your palms.
“I know” he said, his smile growing wider. “I wouldn’t want to leave me either”
You rolled your eyes and scouted from underneath the covers and his side. “Now you’ve ruined it.”
“Just as I intended” he chuckled, leaning back against the headboard, watching you make your way to the door.
It physically pained you to leave him. But you won’t acknowledge it more then that.
“Y/n?”
“Hyuck?”
“You can keep my shirt, it looks sexier on you”
“Ass” You replied, and grin plastered on your face, against your will. Then you opened the door and left with your phone in hand, making your way down the hallway.
The music slowly picking up in volume as you made your way into the kitchen/living room area. Though you saw almost no one. Until you peaked out the sliding doors to the backyard. Finally finding the sources of the music, along with at least 20 other people. Some people in the pool, some people grilling or just playing games. You smiled to yourself, you can feel that everyone was having a good time.
You decide you should change before joining them. As you make your way to your own room.
You think for a moment, you should probably check your phone.
JenO
______________________________________
|| JenO -
Hey, we are back from the store
Delivered
-
Where you at?
Delivered
-
y/n?
Delivered
-
Chaewon said she saw you with haechan, are you two talking?
Delivered
-
y/n it’s been 2 hours, are you ok?
Delivered
______________________________________
Damn it.
You enter your room, beginning to type all kinds of apologizes into your phone, when you look up to see Jeno sitting in your bed. “Jeno?”
He looks up from his phone to see you standing in the doorway… in heachans shirt…
“Looks like you two did more then just talk huh?” He was smiling, but he sounded agitated. And you can’t blame him.
“Sorry, I feel asleep”
“In his room?”
“Yeah…? Is that bad?” You finally enter the room to join him on your bed. He clears his throat while making room for you to sit next to him. “No, I mean- I don’t know” He answers, not looking at you. “I talked to Shihyun” he informs. You whip your head to look at him. His eyes still don’t meet yours. “She wants to try again” Jeno’s hands are fidgeting with his phone case. Waiting for your reaction.
“That’s great! Why aren’t you out there with her? I saw her in the pool.”
“Was looking for you”
“Why”
He finally turns to you. “Um, just wanted you to know that… that I’ve moved on”
“What!? From Shihyun? Wha- didn’t you just say-“
“-no not her, I love her” he interrupted quickly correcting your thoughts. You look at him confused. It sorta felt weird to hear him say those words. You didn’t like those words, but for some reason… hearing him share his heart to you about Shihyun made you feel as sense of adoration towards him. “Then what have you moved on from?”
“I-um… just- It doesn’t matter, just felt like I needed to say it out loud to you, it’s been suffocating me… but I’m happy that I found Shihyun, she really makes me really happy”
You can’t help but smile. Who needed kdramas when you have this? “And I also wanted to say that… uh… you mean a lot to me y/n, you are such an amazing friend, so encouraging and un-judgmental. I really appreciate you. Even if I mistook those feelings before.. I understand them now.”
You think for a moment, trying to make sense of his words. “What the heck are you going in about Jeno? Your not making any sense.” You laugh and stand up to begin looking for clothes. “I’m sorry, don’t worry about it. It doesn’t need to make sense to you, I just need to say it.”
“It’s Okay, don’t apologizes, I understand. Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to tell me” you smile while picking out an outfit to join the others in. Jeno watches you concentrate.
“I love you”
it was almost a whisper, you didn’t even hear it. He didn’t want you to. He knows how you feel about those three words. But he needed to say it. Out loud.
He really does love you, but not romantically- like he thought he did. But As a friend. As a person he was never scared to go to for help or advice. He loved you, and he would never leave you.
He smiles thinking about how lucky he is to have a friend like you.
“Okay I’ll go join the others.. meet us out there when your done changing.” He ends his rant with a pat to your head, making his way to the door. You nod and begin to change.
…
When you made you way outside, you find yuta and Yejun laughing at a joke Jisung must have made. Because he looked super proud of himself. His posture straightened, and he is puffing his chest out. Adorable.
Other groups of people, that your sure you’ve seen before, fill up the back patio.
Music and conversations fill your ears as you make your way towards the three. “Hey! Y/n! Nice of you to finally join us!” Yejun greets you with a smile and Jisung runs to hug you. “I feel like it’s been ages!”
“It’s been a couple hours ji” but you reciprocate nonetheless. “Jeno was looking for you” yuta informs with a small head nod. “Yeah I talked to him” you shrug and turn around to face the noise. Towards the People talking, and Shihyun and Chaewon are messing around in the pool. Isn’t it freezing?
“Y/n!”
You turn to your right to see Johnny running over. You try not to laugh when you realize he looks like a typical college jock. His hair is wet? Or maybe sweaty? There’s a drink in his hand and his jog looks ridiculous. Then you compare it to a dog, who’s just got done playing with the hose and you snicker even more. “What’s up?” You give Johnny a half hug and he takes another drink form his cup. Yejun and jisung continue whatever conversation they were having before you showed up. When you look back to Johnny, his face was slightly red and he couldn’t stand straight for the life of him.
He’s definitely drunk.
“Where’s haechan?” He asks, his voice is an octave louder so you can hear him over the music.
You don’t know why the the mention of his name threw you off. You felt odd. “How would I know?” You respond with a shrug. Johnny gives you the most unamused look you’ve ever seen. “Don’t give me that bullshit, you can’t tell me you two weren’t together this whole time” you slap at Johnny’s shoulder and glare at Him. “You talk really loud”
Johnny let’s out a laugh and hands you his drink. “Here hold this, he’s probably in his room, I’ll go get him.” Before you can even respond, Johnny’s running off, towards the sliding doors leading back inside the lodge.
You just stand there and look around once more. Haechan probably wants to sleep, you should’ve told Johnny that, but he’ll find out on his own.
When you spot Jeno and Shihyun in the pool, you can’t help but smile. She’s sitting on top of his shoulders, playing a game of chicken with another couple. Your smile grows when Shihyun wins and yells in victory. Cute!
•••
The rest of the night consisted of you drinking and talking with Chaewon and Yami. Chaewon was going on a rant about how people who ‘don’t like alcohol’ are ‘pussies’ or whatever. You laugh all throughout her tangent because the only person who came to mind was Jaemin. “Y/n, do you want to come with me to get more drinks?” Chaewon asks with a pout, her face was round but so perfectly defined, and her outfit looked absolutely amazing on her. You smile to her direction and nod. She always amazes you, her beauty, her amazing personality, she had no flaws. You admire her. “Where are they?” You ask.
“They are over by- Haechan! over there!!” Chaewon pointed towards the coolers that were stationed next to the grill. Jaemin, haechan and mark were all over there. When you saw him, you couldn’t look away.
You didn’t really think he would be joining the party, but there he was. He was wearing a black t-shirt and loose sweatpants. For a moment you felt hurt. Why wouldn’t he come to you? Does he not want to talk to you? Or spend time with you. Even after you two had sex? Is he avoiding you now? Is it’s awkward?
Then you had to mentally stop yourself:
This cannot be Happening.
You should not care about what he’s doing.
You shouldn’t care about what he’s wearing.
You shouldn’t be upset that he didn’t choose to find you first.
You should not care about Lee Donghyuck…
Then your faces with his eyes in yours. A flash of cold rushed throughout your body. You whip your head back to Chaewon so fast, your vision almost went blurry. Curse the gods, Haechan just caught you looking at him. It took almost all your strength not to drown yourself in the pool in-front of you. “Okay let’s go” Chaewon didn’t seem to notice the small interaction, maybe it’s all in your head. But that moment felt like it lasted forever. She hops up from the small pool chair and held her hand out to you.
“Actually, I don’t think I should get up-“
“-Why?”
Her eyebrows cutely pinch together and her smile drops to a frown. “Yami should go with you, my head really hurts” you squeeze your eyes shut and bring a hand to your head, as if in pain. “What? Girl- let’s gooo” she grabs at your hand and drags you to your feet. “Yami, you too, let’s go” then Chaewon pulls you along as she makes her way around the pool.
As your walking up to the group of boys, you notice Haechan’s eyes following your figure. God this is embarrassing. He has this stupid knowing look on his face, and you almost jumped in the pool. Instead you look at the water and the people in it, refusing to look up, or take any chances of making eye contact with him again. You don’t want things to be awkward, you just want to act normal.
WHY CANT YOU ACT NORMAL!?
“Haechan, where have you been all night?” Chaewon presses as she opens the cooler and grabs some cans of beer. “In my room” he starts, his eyes flicker to you, giving you a smile then back to Chaewon “you look nice” he smiles at her and she beamed in response. “Thank you” her dramatic giggle makes the group laugh in unison.
Woah. At least he smiled at you. He’s definitely trying his hardest to act normal. But you can tell he doesn’t know what to do either. You cough awkwardly, you didn’t mean too. Your trying your hardest to not draw attention to yourself, but that’s all haechan is giving you… attention.
“Are we planning on partying all night it’s almost 4 in the morning” mark begins.
You shouldn’t have been upset that he called Chaewon pretty, or griping at your arms, and holding yourself like this, or burning up this easily. You wished he would’ve said those words to you. The only thoughts that can fill your mind now are him. He isn’t looking at you anymore, his gaze is now fixed on Chaewons and Yami, you sigh in relie, but at the same time, you feel overwhelmed with emotions. Maybe he thought you wanted space? That wouldn’t be a reach, but he’s wrong, if that’s the case.
“We don’t have any other plans! I could go for 12 more hours!” Yami replies, and once again the group laughs.
So wrong.
“I’ll probably head inside soon” heachan informs with a sip of his drink.
“What you just got out here!?” Chaewon complains with a pout. The conversation continued on, and you stopped keeping track of it. Lost in your own mind once again.
Maybe he is satisfied, that’s what he wanted right? You helped him out, and he’s satisfied. But your not, you want more then that. More then sex. And you’re not pushing it down this time, your allowing yourself to feel it, maybe it’s the alcohol? Or the cold that made you feel alone, more then usual.
“Y/n?” You blink to he direction of your name. to Johnny. “Yes?” You drop your arms to the side in order to seem natural, ignoring the air that creeped up your skin, causing goosebumps.
It’s freezing.
“Aren’t you going to go with them?” Mark asks, as he gestures his hand behind you.
“Who?”
“Chaewon and Yami? They left already? …Are you drunk?” He questioned, scanning your face. You glance over at mark and Haechan, then behind you. Chaewon and Yami have made their way halfway around the pool now.
When did that happen?
Haechan eyes you suspiciously, almost asking you ‘what’s wrong?’. You send him a reassuring smile. That didn’t seem as awkward as before, and you felt relieved. “Yeah I think I am, I should probably go lay down” you blink twice more, preparing yourself to walk, and turn on your heal, heading straight for the sliding doors that lead back inside.
Is it bad that you wanted to be alone with him again? Jeno had already talked to you, there’s no longer a reason to be out here. can’t you two go back into his room? In His bed? Is that weird? Would that be weird?
When you make your way back inside, you plop down in the couch and take a couple deep breaths. Did he not think YOU looked nice?! Why didn’t he compliment YOU? I mean of course Chaewon looked perfect but-
Nonononono Nono quit it. Stop!
you feel so unbelievably confused. Every feeling is so unexplainable. Jealous? Annoyed, hurt? Alone? Tired? Drunk? Flustered? It’s all too much!
Just two friends helping each other out.
Just two friends helping each other out.
Just two friends helping each other out.
“Y/n?”
“What?!” You respond frustrated, you didn’t realize how upset you felt until your tone left your mouth. You lift your head to the person in front of you to apologize. Haechan stood there, with a cup in his hand and a surprised look on his face. You hesitate for a moment. Looking away, to spare yourself some dignity.
“Sorry, I was just-“
“-Thinking?”
“Yeah”
“You do that too much” he smiles and sits next to you. When he did, you felt your heart calm, your skin and muscles relax. And your brain stoped running so fast. It felt as if you just took some kind of drug. Intoxicating your senses.
“How much did you drink?” Haechan’s head is facing yours on the couch, you turn to him and realize the distance between you two is non existent. “Two” you mumble, distracted by this familiar position.
“Two? Two what?” Haechan chuckles at your absent mindedness. “Two… somethings, I don’t remember” you shake your head and turn back to look at the blank tv. “Hm interesting. Do you want some water? There’s some in the fridge-“
“- Nono, no water” your head shakes faster at the thought of his presence leaving you. “Okay” he chuckles again. Your lost, you don’t know what to say, or what to do. Your just… lost. You’ve never felt this feeling, it’s foreign. And it terrifies you. Your scared that you have no control over your words or actions anymore.
His body, his heat, his comfort, and safety saturated you. He fed the parts of you that are needy and starved. He grounded you and you wanted more. Then you realized that its Haechan that made you feel less alone.
And as selfish as it was, you hoped you wouldn’t be alone ever again.
“Hey…”
This is all too much…
…To much, all at once…
“…Y/n”
He smells like.. like him. And he’s so warm, almost like he’s been living on the sun for the past couple of months.
Haechan:
Full sun
Makes sense.
“Y/n” he calls once more, this time turning to you, probably checking to see if your are still alive or breathing.
“Yes?” You finally respond and look to him. “Your cutting off my circulation” he smiles and you look down at his arm. Your hands wrap around his bicep, gripping onto him like you’ll fly away if you let go. “Sorry”
When did that happen?
“It’s okay, just relax”
“I’m relaxed” you lighten your grip and rest your head on his shoulder. “Did you catch feelings yet?” He teased with smirk, you laugh lightly, your eyes remaining on the blank tv, as if there’s something playing.
Yes you did.
“You wish”
And yes he does.
“Did you?” You ask looking up at him. His gaze remains on the blank screen.
“Not a chance” he answers with a smile.
“Good” you nod and blink away thoughts that you wish would quit reappearing at the worst times. “Do you regret it?” Haechan asked, this time his voice is almost at a whisper. Haechan is a person who needs a lot of reassurance. And your not very good at that kind of thing… but you’ll try for his sake.
“No” he nods at your response this time, remaining quite as you make yourself comfortable- practically cuddling him.
You then slouch further into the sofa, into him. You can hear his breaths, they’re calm and paced. You try your hardest to match his, almost dying in the process. When you start panting, Haechan begins laughing. And you join him. That was ridiculous.
“Y/n? Do you remember my last birthday?”
“The one when we all went to that terrible restaurant? And Jisung threw up?”
“Yeah, but after that, when we ended up getting take out, at your place?”
“Yeah? Why?”
“When I joined you on your balcony, did you mean what you said?” Oh no. No no no no. Gosh this can’t be happening, everything was going so well.
“What do you mean?” You front, your body stiffens and your eyes shut to prepare for impact.
“The words you said, did you mean them?”
Yes… yes you did. But you can’t tell him that. He can’t know that. “I don’t remember any of that” you shake your head, trying your best to end the conversation.
“You don’t?” You feel his head turn to look down at you. You try your best to act as nonchalant as possible.
“No? Maybe your confused with someone else”
“Impossible”
You bite at your lip and curl your fingers into a fist to ground yourself.
“You told me that you only befriend people you knew couldn’t give you what you needed. Because.. you didn’t want to feel like you’ve lost something- you know if they ever left-”
“I did?” Yes you did…
“Yes. Then I asked if you didn’t think I was capable of giving you what you needed…”
“You did?”
“Yes. And you told me that you never actually choose me…”
“Hm-“
“-what did you mean by that?”
You meant that: heachan was capable of giving you everything you’ve ever wanted or needed, and that terrified you, so you would never have chosen him. He just entered your life, and there was nothing you could do about it but pray he would never leave. But alas, that’s not something y/n would ever admit. So you won’t.
“I’m- I don’t know. I don’t remember that”
“You weren’t drunk… you never explained what you meant and we- we kissed. do you remember-”
Yes.. god yes. You remember it like it happened just now. You remember thinking about how you would never bring it up. About how you would have to learn to forget about it. But of course Haechan won’t allow you to. He did, for a while, you assume he’s probably tired of you acting as if these moments never happened.
“-No, no. No we didn’t” you begin to shake your head again, your body moves to sit up and away from him. Your panicking.
“We did-“ haechan follows you, sitting up to look at you in the eyes. “-no we didn’t, you must have me mixed up with someone else-“
His eyebrows furrow together, you can almost taste the frustration building in his head. “I wouldn’t mix you up with anyone… who else could it have been-“
“Chaewon-“
“No, it was you. I would never kiss Chaewon” he shakes his head this time, his eye close to ensure his seriousness.
“But you called her pretty”
“That doesn’t mean I would ever kiss her-“
“-But you would kiss me?” You challenge, with a scoff. You turn your body to face him in the couch. Both of you are obviously heated and neither of you are willing to be completely honest with yourself a or each other. He doesn’t answer… because yes he would, but are you ready to hear those words… no.
“Exactly-“
“Why are you refusing to accept it?”
“I’m not-“
“You are” his gaze on you becomes more angry then upset or frustrated. You look at him for a moment longer before ripping your eyes away from his piercing ones. “I just don’t remember that” you cross your arms over your chest and try your hardest to look at verything in the empty living room but him.
“No, your choosing not to…forget it, that’s not what’s important Right now. I just want to know what you meant by that… that I’m incapable of-“ he begins, but you refuse to hear him say those words, so you give in… sorta.
“-I didn’t- I just… I don’t know, I wouldn’t have chosen you, if that’s what you’re asking”
“Because?” Haechans eyes flicker between yours, hoping your gaze will answer the questions you’re refusing to.
“Because… just because” you tried to think of a response for a moment, but the only one that came to mind was the one you didn’t want him to hear. When he continues to glare at you, you give in once more. Turning to him and letting out a sigh you explain yourself to the best of your ability: “Because your a good person, and I knew that if you left me… I would lose something”
“Something? What do you mean by something?” His face changes in almost an instant. Like you’ve said before, Haechan is someone who needs a lot of reassurance, and your not very good at explaining your feelings.
“This is stupid” you turn away from him once again, and he absolutely hates it.
“What would you have lost.. if I ever left you?”
“Why are you asking me this?”
“Why won’t you answer me?”
“It doesn’t matter, I don’t need you using it against me.”
“Against you? What does that mean!?” If you were actually looking at him, you would’ve seen how hurt he looked at those words.
“Just stop”
“Stop what? Being confused? Because that’s kinda your fault” he tries to laugh but he can’t.
“I don’t want to have this conversation anymore”
“Why do you keep treating me like I’m your enemy? I wouldn’t use anything ‘against’ you, or leave you.. ever” he tries to look at you in the eyes, but you refuse.
“Okay”
“Okay? That’s it?” Now he’s mad.
“Stop dragging this on haechan” you drop your hands from around you and glare at him.
“Haechan? Y/n what the hell?” He didn’t mean to yell, but he was upset, angry, sad, offended? All of them! You can’t do this anyMore, your not ready to have this conversation. It all escalated so quickly, you didn’t have time to think properly.
“I’m going to bed” you bring yourself to your feet and grab your phone to leave. You know haechan won’t force you to stay, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try to convince you to.
“Y/n.. y/n wait let’s finish this conversation, please.” He look up at you and watches you walk around the other couch and towards the hallway. Your upset, you know you shouldn’t have let yourself get this heated, and you know you shouldn’t have let that conversation go the way it did.
“I’m drunk and tired is this isn’t the best time to be talking to me”
“That isn’t fair, y/n..”
When you made it to your bedroom you sit on one of the beds, bringing your knees to your chest and stared into space.
You feel like such an idiot.
But it can no longer be avoided, the longer you spend with haechan, the more you realize you can’t live without him.
How could you have let yourself get this far with him!?
You had rules.
But then again, rules are made to be broken.
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@nctzennikki09 @mings-cafe @gaeulswrld @chimiwimi @aliceinwhateverland
In all honesty, I’ve done better, however, the Juicy parts are in part four… so🤷♀️ yeah! Please let me know if you have any:
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