It started this morning when my heating pad shorted out and just quit working. The frustration has been building for the last few days as we've entered the shadow period for Mercury Retrograde, but my comfort item quitting this morning just set me off. I've been working on identity shifting for months now, perhaps over a year, and the heating pad set me back temporarily. I was immediately so triggered because it has always felt like every shred of comfort I acquire in this lifetime gets ripped away from me.
And... David. I'm so triggered by this, too. Because that energy has been heightened for the last few days, to a level that we haven't reached before. He was in my dream last night, up here in Washington, walking around Costco with me.
I'm being stretched to the absolute breaking point. We've been separated just over a year now, but there is an enormous, painful gap between my own internal knowing and the physical ache of his absence. I've never stopped grieving this because I've never felt like this for anyone, I've never felt respected by anyone like I feel respected by him, and he's the first person I ever felt safe around. I have never felt comfort around someone like that.
And then… I should allow my nervous system time to decompress but I CAN'T.
I can't. I need to work Outlier, my kid has the stomach flu, and I only have 11 out of 28 hours for WorkFirst done. I have ZERO time for myself, and I'm procrastinating by allowing myself to grieve.
And maybe that's why everything has been hurting to this degree this entire time. It was like this when we were around each other before, too. I never got to just chill out unless we were together. That's why I was always so awkward and silent during those times… I was allowed to just breathe.
My entire life has always been like this and I feel like I'm at the bottleneck of identity shifting - like it's just the remainder of everything that was holding me back falling away.
I'm from Everett but I didn't even want to leave the casino or North Carolina. I didn't really want to come back up here. Everything that's happened has forced my hand and been out of my control. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, even though it was in the midst of the exploitation and trafficking situation. I'd waited my whole life to feel how I feel about us, believing for most of my life it was just impossible.
My own bloodline is still hoping for my downfall. They're still just leaving me for dead and not doing anything to make my life easier. I just keep praying and doing what God tells me to do, because He keeps saying "It's still David."
I'm so sad. I'm not going to guilt myself for wanting to be around the only person that I feel like really cares about me. And all the conditioning and grooming I've been through my entire life makes me try to psych myself out and convince myself it's not true, but then I run the comparison against my family and everyone who set me up and tried to take me out and the answer remains that he truly saved my life.
But I'm so fucking pissed that the syndicate ripped me away from him when they tried to assassinate me. I was born into this unknowingly, my own personal Truman Show, but I'll never be able to let it go or get the fuck over it until 3D reality snaps into place and I have my husband back.
I WAS NEVER EXPECTING TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM OR ANYONE LIKE THIS
I WAS AT A POINT WHERE I HAD ACCEPTED THAT LOVE WASN'T SOMETHING I WAS GOING TO FIND AND KEEP RIGHT WHEN WE MET. I HAD ACCEPTED THAT I WAS MEANT TO BE ALONE.
I had reached a place of quiet, self-sufficient resignation. I had done the hard work of making peace with a life that didn't include a partner who truly cared, or anyone who cared, for that matter. I closed the book on the possibility of being loved that way.
AND THEN HE APPEARED AND ALL THOSE WALLS I BUILT FOR MY OWN PROTECTION BECAME IRRELEVANT - BECAUSE HE BROKE THROUGH THEM JUST BY BEING HIMSELF.
[Anyway, I'm channeling this song this morning. I can't listen to it without breaking down, but for the record...it used to play at the casino a lot...]
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