5 toxic people to ostracize from your existence this year
2014 was a year full of experiences, events, stuff, and people. Some people you liked; people who didnât yell at you when you were plastered and belligerent at that impromptu orgy your family attended, who let you take five and sober up for a bit. Some people though, you knew were downright pariahs at their cores, maliciously striving at every opportunity to sabotage your very existence and agency. Those guys are so lame, so let me pigeonhole them into several categories so you can do yourself the favour of removing them from your (our) lives in new years resolution class.
5. The douche who stereotypes people
Now I know that normally de se doucher is a pleasant experience, but let me tell you there is nothing clean about these jackasses. Personally having known many of these people, I can say with absolute and objective certainty that they think they are god and hold the key to universal knowledge and understanding. Neitzche declared god dead, and they thought âwell someoneâs got to fill these shoesâ, and in they stepped, knowing the will of the lord is best done in whatever passive aggressive, lazy means they deem most convenient. Ergo, they look to the people in their lives and compartmentalize each one of them into a shithole of shitty traits and shittier behaviours; âthat guy talks like a rapper and heâs Asian, he MUUUUUST be gayâ i hear echo across nearly every Trans-ethnic gay coffee house I go to. The real question is here, how can these people be so audacious as to think they know who someone is before even knowing them! As though they met someone of a similar background one time or so and think they can say with absolute and objective certainty that other people are a certain way, itâs completely asinine! Hopefully the day soon will come when we may cleanse these toxic scum from our existences, but until then weâll have to settle for cleansing them from our new year.
4. The lame socially awkward kissass who reads things on the Internet
Now, donât get me wrong, I like zombiously staring into my phoneâs home screen to pretend I am doing something people canât see so they donât realize I am actually just zoning out until my porn finally downloads (weâve all been there am I rite boyz?), but would you imagine some jerkoffs are actually looking shit up and reading whilst Long Dong Silver III; the Large Sword and the Larger Booty is queuing up (edit* I also play candy crush like a rabies infested grizzly bear, because fuck yeah! candy crush is a legit intellectually engaging masterpiece)? Like 15 to 20 minutes at a time these pompous wankers are processing sentences and ideas from the Internet that they are accessing through their mobile porn viewer. Are they learning anything? Who the fuck knows! I posted this on the Internet and got away with it, so I imagine anything could wind up on there. All I know is that everyone should hate what they donât understand, and these asocial shit stains of ass-hattery are physically and conceptually impossible to understand, at best. The problem gets worse when these people (read: THESE people) try to share their worst-layed-brain-synthesise-of-mice-and-men woefully primordial dick hiccups that they so ignorantly esteem as thoughts, with you. âDid you know that Latin American women immigrating to America have historically been subject to unlawful forced sterilization andâŚâ oh my Fucking god how are you still vomiting noise out of your gullet!? If I actually gave a shit about anything other than touching my genitalia and ignoring everything that happens until I can touch my genitalia again, youâll be the first to know you pork molesting heathen. How could they possibly think anyone would care about anything they had to say? The sooner they are forced to inhale the gas of justice, the safer we will all be, so letâs gas them out of 2015
3. People who take too god damn long to explain something
Get to the Fucking point my attention span ran out like seriously before you started Iâm bored enough to strangle a horse jockey
2. Mr. Hands
Now I donât know if you can possibly get more hateable than this crowned king of dip-shittery (may he rest in peace). The guy committed suicide by horse dick in his asshole, an act he regularly attempted at his horsefucking ranch in his horsefucking town. He and his horsefucking friends would meet up for horsefucking suicide parties where they would perform a type of appaloosa seppuku whilst enjoying wine and mediocre cheeses. Eventually Mr. Hands was successful, but not before numerous failed attempts at it and several instances of him stealing my lunch out of the fridge without telling me. Let me tell you if there is one thing everyone hates more than liars and cheaters, itâs failures. You sucked at life so bad you decided to end it, but you couldn't even do that right, making it no better than the time i asked you to take the dishes out of the dishwasher and you didn't do it YOU SELFISH PRICK HOW COULD YOU )): )): )): oh my fucking god⌠I cant take the burning anguish of you leaving me! I loved you but you never cared even slightly about my feelings⌠it was always âhorse dick thisâ and âhorse dick thatâ and you never made any time for me and now Ill never be able to truly tell you how i feel and how empty my life is without youâŚyou⌠you selfish bastard⌠My tears are seeping into the keyboard⌠i need to pull it together.. *ahem*, anyways, this is Satanâs work, and let me tell you in 2015 I will no longer be participating in itâŚ
1. Anyone who has ever existed whilst you were hurt or offended
It goes without saying that being hurt is the worst experience one can go through (because neo - utilitarianism is the true philosophy and anyone who disagrees can go die brutally in a systematic forced labour camp). Pain is the most basic intolerance we experience as beings of mortality; it has, in the opinion of evolutionary biologists, served to warn our ancestors that a situation is dire to their survival, and this carries on to us today, though we have come a long way from running up trees to avoid large predators and digging ticks out of our crotch regions. Today pain tells us more often about our social and political environments, and give us a sense when something might be awry. Some spineless cretins think it is important to fully assess these situation in a rational and calm manner, talk about it with the people directly involved, and take definitive action to build more stable and open relationships that are compatible with our life goals and priorities. Let me be the first (and hopefully not last) one to tell you these people are so full of shit it makes the Peking sanitation system florescent green with envy. There is a clear and simple reason you are hurt; everyone else! If there was someone who borrowed money from you repeatedly and didnât really pay you back as much as you would have liked them to, itâs because they despise you and everything you stand for to the point where they are fully willing to methodically craft an elaborate operation to occasionally swindle small amounts of money from you. The guy who cut you in line, planned it for months. The girl and guy and Transgendered individual(s) who cheated on you, did so knowing and expecting that it would mentally ruin you from the core of youâre being, and for no other reason. They tell you so sheepishly that the situation is âcomplicatedâ, and it is, complicated by the sheer volume of premeditated malevolence that was carefully pooled into making you suffer for the sake of watching you suffer. Everyone who assumed something of you that you didnât like, did so because they knew it was the exact thing they could say that would ruin your day. They watch you, their all in cahoots with each other, and they wonât rest until you tear your own face off in sheer misery and torment. There is no humanity in these people, or their seemingly countless Co conspirators who will infiltrate other aspects of your life to pass on vulnerable data about you, betraying you by leaving you for dead like a duct taped prisoner of rainbow gathering in your moment of greatest need. They are equally filthy subhuman plagues on humanity which need to be totally and unquestionably eradicated, they are a problem which needs a solution, a solution which will need no subsequent solutions⌠if youâre catching my sexy driftâŚ
Make sure 2015 doesnât suck like ever other year of your life, and ditch these weapons of mass dick-sucktion.
