shishoshii

I’ve knowingly lied, cheated, and hurt a lot of girls.

I acknowledge that I deserve to be judged for that, and I understand why someone would see me as a bad person.

And I also understand it’s easy to label me as selfish or narcissistic. But for my own clarity, I don’t fully agree with reducing myself to that.

I partly believe that the choices that led me here, and the consequences that followed are part of a chain of events I didn’t fully understand at the time. A kind of cause and effect that keeps moving forward no matter what I choose.

But that doesn’t erase responsibility.

Even if life is chaotic and unpredictable, the impact of my actions on other people is still real. And the fact that others have been hurt because of me is something I have to carry.

I also know that labeling someone as “pure evil” is too simple. People are shaped by experiences, mistakes, and patterns they sometimes don’t fully understand. That doesn’t excuse harm, but it explains that people are more complicated than a single label.

I’ve also been hurt before. I know what it feels like to be replaced, to be chosen less, to feel like you didn’t matter as much as someone else.

At the time, I reacted emotionally. Looking back, I realize how small some of those moments were in the bigger picture of life. But I still understand why they hurt.

Right now, I feel guilt for the people I’ve hurt, especially because I’m currently in a relationship with someone who treats me well. That happiness makes the guilt louder, not quieter.

It also makes me anxious about what the future holds.

But I accept that I can’t undo what’s already been done.

I made a handmade gift for my girlfriend. That’s something I’ve never done before, and honestly, something I never even had an interest in doing.

I did it just to feel something, to understand what it feels like to give something personal, to trust a girl with your heart.

It’s all absurd when I think about it.

I’ve lived most of my life with extreme trust issues. I never really gave my heart to anyone properly. I always told myself that human nature would eventually disappoint you, and in a way, I still believe that.

Most of my relationships followed the same pattern: I talk to a girl, I give her a small piece of my trust, and the moment I notice even the slightest red flag, I detach.

That cycle burnt me out.

Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that if I notice a real red flag, I’ll walk away. I won’t ignore it. But for once, I want to know what it feels like to give someone my whole heart without constantly holding something back.

I’m not stupid. I know what people are capable of. I know better than to trust blindly.

But maybe this time, I’m not doing it because I’m naive.

A week ago, I got robbed with my girlfriend.

The robber had a gun and took my iPhone 6, a phone that was really important to me. It used to belong to my mom, and she still had valuable information and contacts on it that she needed for her work. Losing it would make things harder for her.

But in that moment, I traded my safety for it.

I never told her the full story.

When she asked about the phone and needed contacts from it, I lied and said I lost it. I didn’t want her to panic or break down at the thought of me being robbed at gunpoint. I told her the robber had a fake gun instead, just to calm her down.

I regret losing the phone. I regret not backing it up. I’m sorry, Mama.

It took me a while to process everything.

At some point, I started spiraling. I kept thinking about how easily things could have gone differently, how we could’ve died that day, and how I might not have made it home.

That feeling reminded me of something I felt when my best friend, Ntando, passed away. A sudden awareness that life is random, fragile, and absurd.

For days, I kept turning that thought over in my head.

But eventually, when my mind settled, I realized something:

Maybe absurdity really is just the nature of life.

And even after everything that happened that day, I don’t regret seeing my girlfriend. I only regret not backing up that phone.

I think I’ve come to accept that I’d rather live a life filled with intense, unpredictable experiences than spend it constantly preparing for a future that might never come.

I had a crush on this girl. She was a friend of a friend, and for two years, every attempt I made to get closer to her failed. Either she was talking to someone else, or we both just messed up our communication.

Eventually, I got a third chance.

This time, I didn’t hesitate. After talking for a bit, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes, with a big smile on her face. I felt pure happiness. It was almost like ecstasy being with her. At that time, I was going through a lot mentally, so I saw her as a break from everything. I just wanted to enjoy the absurd beauty of love.

At first, it really did feel euphoric.

But slowly, I could feel something shift in my mind. The gears started turning again. I began noticing small inconsistencies, tiny things, and labeling them as red flags. That’s something I’ve always done. In every relationship, close or distant, I subconsciously look for flaws. And once I find even one, it plants doubt.

From there, trust issues grow.

And when that happens, my entire perception of the person changes. Not in an obvious way, I don’t become mean or bitter, but I become distant. Less available. Sometimes I even catch myself using my position in their life to benefit from what they can offer.

And I hate that.

Digression

I know love is irrational. It blinds you. It distorts your perception and makes things feel deeper than they might actually be. When you step back and realize that, it almost makes love feel meaningless, like it proves how absurd it really is.

Because the feeling itself is worth it, even if it never lasts.

But even knowing that, I still chase it.

Humans always try to make love last forever, but it rarely does. And something even rarer is when two people feel the exact same intensity of love at the same time.

That’s why I see love as a game of chance. Like a more abstract form of gambling.

There’s no guaranteed connection. No mystical truth behind it. It’s just shared euphoria, an addiction to a person. And no addiction I’ve ever heard of has been truly healthy.

Love doesn’t even have to be romantic. It can be platonic too. But the same principles apply.

Still, this is just what I’ve observed so far. I’m only 18. I still have a lot to learn.

Continuation

But back to the point.

The trust issues came back, like they always do. I think they come from a deeper distrust in human nature itself. Maybe it’s from past experiences. Maybe it’s just how I’ve learned to observe people.

I don’t fully know.

But for once, I’m choosing to ignore that instinct.

For the first time, I’m not going to let the fear control me.

I’m going to take the gamble.

maybe everything that feels deep and meaningful only feels that way because i’m young and because i don’t fully understand the world, existence, or how they’re supposed to work.

but here’s the way i see it: the world doesn’t follow a single straight path. existence doesn’t have a fixed system.

my mindset may seem absurd, but so is everything. the world is absurd. existence is absurd.

so who cares what’s real and what’s not? who cares what’s true and what’s untrue?

art is chaos. the brain is chaos. everything that seems complex, incomprehensible, or crazy is chaos.

but chaos can be understood. once you understand it, it becomes calm. it’s like a tangled string, confusing, overwhelming, and then, once you trace it, it detangles into one straight line.

it’s simple in concept, but not easy in practice. everyone is overwhelmed by something. the feeling of being swallowed by it can be disorienting, even terrifying.

in society, we need people to pass down the words of philosophers.

people who carry their ideas forward, teaching and reminding us of these ideals.

because without that, wisdom gets lost. history repeats itself. and the truths that shape how we think, how we question, how we live will slowly fade away.

(religion can be fear mongering)

one of the biggest weaknesses in human society is how we constantly avoid existential controversy.

so many people are devoted to their religion, but having a truly open mind is rare. even questioning it — even suggesting it might be a social construct, can cause outrage.

and that might be our biggest flaw as humans.

we’re like birds with wings who are too afraid to fly. we stay on the ground because it feels safer, and over time we start believing that flying is dangerous or even wrong.

conditioned from a young age, generation after generation, we slowly constrict our own minds.

and because of that, we limit ourselves.

if morality through religion isn’t a social construct, then it might be one of the biggest contradictions ever.

because even the most morally perfect being is said to go against morality at times.

so what does that mean?

we create these beautiful dreams just by trying to understand the unknown. like we don’t know what’s out there, so we imagine it.

we created ghosts and spirits to picture another plane of life, something beyond death, something in the astral, something we can’t see but still feel like it exists.

and we imagined aliens to fill the unknown in space. like there has to be something out there, so our minds create it.

it’s like whenever we don’t understand something, we don’t leave it empty. we turn it into something bigger, something mysterious, something beautiful.

and I think that’s the real beauty of our creativity.

maybe we don’t have some fixed existential purpose. maybe everything we think matters is just a social construct.

but the one thing that actually feels real, the one thing that stays true to what it means to be human is our creativity.

i desire so much more. Lately I’ve been having this deep, and fantastical desire to travel around the country (and eventually the world) going on adventures, hunting monsters with absurd luck and spontaneous skill. I know how stupid it sounds when you say it out loud, but it’s genuinely what my heart wants. And that made me realize something. This isn’t the first time I’ve been overwhelmed by desire. I’ve always wanted things, a supercar, an insane gaming setup, a bigger life. The strange thing is that I’ve already lived a very comfortable life. In many ways, the quality of my life could easily be someone else’s dream. Yet I still want more. Way more than I actually need. That’s when it hit me: desire itself never really ends. No matter where you are in life, there will always be something else you want. While im dreaming about some wild, adventurous life, there’s probably someone out there wishing for the life I already have.

All my obsessions and passions got amplified. Things I already cared about suddenly felt deeper, more meaningful. Like my mind zoomed in on them.

(Religion compared with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)):