... for how long will i go on living? ...

A huge thank you to everyone on the SKKMixtape staff, and especially to Kat!!

I really hope I managed to capture what you had in mind with this song, and of course, that you like the final piece! (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

I'd never heard either the song or the artist before, but I absolutely loved them!! It's so SKK-coded, and it especially reminds me of Chuuya. I added it to my playlist the very first time I listened to it!

Also, you're such an incredible writer!!! I absolutely adore your fics!!!!! It was honestly an honor to draw something for you!! <333 (⁠♡⁠ω⁠♡⁠)

Thank you so much for such an amazing recommendation!! I had so much fun working on this! (⁠人⁠⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠ﾟ⁠+

It has been years hasn’t it? Since the fight, since the time that they had seen each other. The time was probably the most painful part. Even so, Chuuya really couldn't believe what he was seeing anyways. Where had Dazai even gone? College? Somewhere worse? Chuuya had at least finished school, got good grades, and is in college now. Wherever Dazai went, he made his bed and should lay in it now. Dazai made the choice to break things off. And now he's across the street, tatted up and…working. In a tattoo shop. It played in his head, over and over; Dazai yelling at him, telling him he wasn’t going to college, that Chuuya was smothering him. Was he? He kept asking himself what he did wrong but…he always fell short.

No. He needed to stop thinking about it. Dazai made his choice and that was no fault of Chuuya’s. He knew that. His therapist's voice played in his mind. Chuuya was happy now, he had a job at a flower shop, it was calming and often brought him joy. He had friends here too. He had Akutagawa and Kouyou. He needed to stop thinking about it, stop thinking about that time in his life. It wasn’t relevant anymore. He was long past it and he would keep telling himself that until it was true. Chuuya was happy without Dazai, without the nagging that Dazai often brought. The nagging that Chuuya should “calm down” and “chill out”.

Or he would have if Dazai didn’t come into the flower shop wanting to talk to him specifically. The audacity felt like an insult if he was honest. He shook his head frantically at Kouyou, no. He wouldn’t see him. Thankfully, she knew the most about the situation and wouldn’t push him to talk to Dazai and wouldn’t push him to handle things like an adult. It was past adults talking. Not to say Akutagawa would either, I mean, he just enjoyed telling people no and kicking them out, even though Akutagawa didn’t know the whole situation. He told Dazai that Chuuya was busy working and that Dazai should leave. He heard it and it gave him such a sigh of relief, one that caused his muscles to relax. He couldn’t handle talking to him, couldn’t handle seeing him up close.

Dazai left and didn't come back for a few weeks but he did come back, a day when Akutagawa was working, thank god. Chuuya, once again, shook his head and Akutagawa gave him an ear full, kicking him out entirely. It wasn’t helping though that Akutagawa was now becoming friends with someone who worked at the same exact tattoo shop. He knew that Akutagawa would break eventually. He had a soft spot for people he was close to, even if he would never admit it. Thank god Chuuya was one of those people though because he still stood by Chuuya for now.

Then it happened. Dazai came in during the wrong day, wrong time. If he waited just mere hours later, it would be fine. He could keep avoiding it. But no. It happened. It happened, and he was already feeling nauseous as he watched Dazai get closer and closer. He felt himself flush and his stomach flip and twist. He was suddenly warm and cold all at the same time, his hands and face suddenly wet. Too wet. What would he even say to him? “Hi?” Who the hell would open a conversation like that after everything they’d been through? After this long, the years that piled up between them, the no contact, the no explanation, hell no.

“Hi.” Dazai’s first word to Chuuya in years. Over 4 years to be exact. All that time and he was still bad at interacting with others, bad with saying anything to anyone that wasn’t centered around himself. Clearly, because it was awkward, his voice even broke. Of course it did that happened often back then too, no matter who he was talking to but especially Chuuya. He could always take note of the pinkness in his cheeks, the shifting of his eyes but now? No pink, no shifting of the eyes. His eyes stayed downcast, he was upset at himself, Chuuya had known him well enough before to know that.

“...Hi.” Chuuya’s voice came off harsh, just as harsh as it always was. He knew he should have been a bit more friendly. Even if this was Dazai, it was still, unfortunately, a customer. He cleared his throat and tried again.

“What can I help you with?” Chuuya spoke again before Dazai could, he spoke as if he had never seen those brown eyes before, never heard the crack of Dazai’s voice, and certainly never heard the distinct sense of self-deprecation he always knew was going to happen on late nights in a field while they lay next to his bike, the one he would drive to the middle of nowhere. They were always trespassing those nights but he needed to act as if none of those things had ever happened. This was now a stranger to him.

“Um…do you remember me? It’s Dazai.” There was the awkwardness that had always seemed to be present when Chuuya talked to him.

“I’d be stupid if I didn’t. What the hell do you want?” He snapped, a lot harsher than he had been in a very long time. He had softened quite a lot since they had seen each other, softened since he was in highschool, hell since he started college. Of course he recognized Dazai though, I mean, no one knows someone for five years and flirts with them all that time just to…no. To call it just flirting was falling into the blame that Dazai put on him. This isn’t it. He wasn't at fault for Dazai’s stupid decisions.

“Right. Of course. Sorry. Just- Can we talk? Privately or something? Whenever.” He said, sounding nervous. He wasn’t going to fall into that. It felt like a trap. Softening again around him felt like letting his guard down. He wasn’t going to do that.

“No. In what universe would I agree to that?” He snapped back, quick, almost too quick.

“Because I asked?” He was just as quick but he was relying on Chuuya’s own soft spot for him. And no, it wasn’t working, not in a million years, even if he did miss the smile he used to give when Chuuya agreed with him on anything. Even if it was tempting even now. Fuck, he really wanted to say yes. He couldn’t.

“And why would that make me say yes?”

“Because it used to?” He was pleading with him, and Chuuya knew it. It wasn’t even what pissed him off the most. What pissed him off the most is that he wanted to say yes so much that it bordered on need. Maybe it would be needed in the end because not a single fiber of his being wanted to say no to him. Not a fiber in his being wanted to fight the simmering urge that was just beneath the surface.

He wanted- no, needed Dazai. He couldn’t, and hell he shouldn’t, but he knew it was over for any part that wanted to say no the minute Dazai gave him the look he used to, with wide eyes and an almost pout.

“Fine. Tomorrow at three in the afternoon. I’ll be at the cafe next door.” He said, annoyance evident in his tone and even if Dazai didn’t know it, it wasn’t at him, it was at himself. It felt like he was always angry with himself around Dazai. It felt that way because he was. He was angry now, and not even a little bit of it was directed at Dazai. He knew the next steps, he knew that Dazai and him wouldn’t just talk. He knew that the meeting would end up being moved to a nearby hotel. He knew each touch would hurt as much as their separation. He knew it would all hurt.

The rest of the conversation mattered less and less to him when he recalled it. Even if it did explain where he was at now, leaving another boyfriend for another night at the same exact hotel with the same exact man as before. Dazai. His face and body was pink, his body warm and relaxed, the result of release completely washing over his body as he panted next to Dazai. Again. This was the third guy he didn’t show up to dates with, didn't go home with- all for Dazai. He needed to leave, needed to break it off but he didn’t think he could. It felt like breathing when he was with Dazai.

It felt like the only clean air he had received in a wasteland where all of the air was polluted with dust, debris and toxins, an utter nuclear fallout. Hazy, green and cartoonishly dangerous air moving through his lungs leaving him coughing and gasping for fresh air. Dazai understood how his body worked in the exact same way too. He knew Chuuya’s lungs needed him, knew it was better with him and no one else. Dazai knew and took advantage. Maybe fresh air would be like a toxic ex too, if it had the ability to be.

Maybe Chuuya did this to himself. Maybe he started this when he said yes to Dazai the first time. But now? He couldn’t say no anymore. Couldn’t bring himself to.