I dreamt about finding him last night, and I felt both happiness and disappointment. In my dreams, he was someone who was wearing a bucket hat, with tattoos from his legs to neck, and constantly vaping; the complete opposite of what I saw back on December 9 – opposite to what I fell in love with.

I think the dream was the materialization of my worst fear if I ever meet him again. And the lines from the Obsidian Bride are nagging in my head:

“If you saw that boy’s face, your feelings could change too. Maybe it was him who changed his mind. Your love experience seems to focus more on a fantasy. Instead of loving the person’s true self, you love the image you wanted them to have. You fell in love with someone without knowing their true face or identity.”

What if my feelings right now are based on the fantasy that I created in my head? Because I made an image of the person I want to be with; He is neat, quiet, and shy, he likes FOB and sings along to their songs, and he is respectful to service staff and not forceful. What if I meet him and turns out all my thoughts of him are wrong? Will I accept him the way he is? Or will I walk away carrying my unmet expectations?

I kept convincing myself that when we saw each other at the FOB concert, I wasn’t ready for anything. Even now, I don’t think I’m ready to enter any relationship. I don’t want to end up like Gladys who’s comparing the guy she’s dating with someone else right to his face. Financially, physically, and mentally, I know I’m not ready for someone right now and I’m really thankful to God for positioning me where I am right now, but I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s been 4 months already, these feelings are too long for someone I didn’t even talk to. I can’t stop thinking that I want him to be the next person I fall in love with. I don’t even think I can open up my heart to anybody except for him.

How can I even miss someone this long when I didn’t even get to know them? Is this the result of the guilt I felt when I saw how sad he was? I even tried rationalizing what’s happening to me and found this article, but it just gave me false hope that both him and I might be “connected on a fundamental level, beyond physical appearances or circumstances.” What if he’s the ‘someone’ deserving of such intense and tender emotions? What if he’s the one who will fill the ‘void’?

I keep on wishing with all my heart that we’ll meet again and that both of us will finally have the courage to talk to each other. I keep on praying, “Please don't be in love with someone else. Please don't have somebody waiting on you.” I hope God will allow us the perfect timing; when both of us are ready to take in each other unconditionally and irrevocably. But for now, I’ll remove his photos in my cellphone with the hope that this longing will go away. The article is right, I have to immerse myself in the present and the grounded reality of my life. I have to work on myself in order to be the best version of me. I don’t just want him to be deserving of my love, but I want to be someone deserving of his love as well.

that way we know we’re from tumblr without revealing anything

I’m just going to say this to strangers until i find a tumblr person

must keep reblogering!! Im going to be so suspicious if any one tells me this now!

Remember the answer is: I stole them from the president.

Me: You do not understand the undying love I have for this artist on my clothing right now. The sheer amount of information I have about them from hyperfixation is concerning. I can not only name five songs, but I can name every album, all the members, their hometown and current whereabouts. I could probably have their entire discography tattooed on me and be happy. This isn't just a shirt, it's a display of my lack of self control.

it’s a “this is my one and only life, and i’m going to milk it for all it’s worth” sort of deal 

it’s a defiant “i didn’t actually think i’d make it this far” sort of deal 

i’m not trying to say, “oh just think positive and everything will be fine” because that’s not true, but we are what we practice, and i think it’s important to consciously practice joy and appreciation and treating my life like it’s special because it is. 

In this masterpiece, directed by Jonah Hill, just short of 90 minutes, you walk into an LA skater boy’s world in the (well you guessed it) mid 90′s. Following a young boy, Stevie, who is searching for an escape from his rough home life. He befriends a group of skaters, and is immediately thrust into their world full of laughs, danger, and thrill. 

What I love about this movie: For someone that did not grow up in the 90′s, I felt like I was really there. Jonah Hill decided to cast non-actors for the parts of the boys. This really made everything seem so real and authentic, and the actors did such a fantastic job .The script is crazy. It’s so well written that you could never tell if the actors were improvising them or this was an actual line. The cinematography was truly beautiful. The scene of the boys riding through the streets with the sun setting in the background was a masterpiece, and will definitely stick with me as a memorable movie scene. The soundtrack of the movie was just (!!!) WOW. Each scene seemed like it was made for the song that it was playing in front of. It had a perfect balance of sad, funny, happy, etc. moments. You were never sad for too long, or happy, the balance was exquisite. I also loved each character in their own ways. Especially the character Ray, he exemplified a skater who didn’t care what anyone else thought of him, and the way he interacted with Stevie was what really got me.

I think I could go on and on about this movie, so I’ll just leave you with this.