hopeless

sunny thinks that she should feel happy. he’d agreed that it had been too long since they’d last seen each other, an admission that she’d never expected to actually get, and it should’ve been enough to make her ecstatic. instead, however, her chest fills with nothing but guilt and she’s talking before she can stop herself. “ I should’ve called. or come by to see you. or .. something. anything. I’m sorry. ” she was almost certain that she’d have been hung up on if she’d tried to call him, would’ve found herself face to face with his door if she’d even thought about visiting him, and yet she still regretted not trying. she’d been so afraid, was still so afraid. “ it’s not about me being happy. ” there’s obvious frustration in her tone, a result of the irony in his words. her happiness had never been a priority, not to her or to anyone else she’d known outside of sj, and to have the hardest decision she’d ever made tossed back at her as if it had been for her own sake is almost too much to bear on top of it all. “ I want you to be happy. ” she just barely resists flinching at the clear lie in his words, at the respect he still shows her as he bows, and she’s suddenly thankful for the lack of attention he’s giving her. because she’s almost certain that she has to look pathetic in front of him, lost and clinging onto each of his words only to flinch and curl in on herself when they’re harsher than anticipated. “ I’m fine. ” it’s a lie that she’s become surprisingly good at telling, the one thing she can make pass her lips convincingly after more practice than she’d like to admit, and yet she still falters when his gaze flickers up to her for the first time. she missed him so much. “ you don’t need to be formal with me. you never have. ” she can’t pull her gaze from his now that she has it, can’t bring herself to part with the deep brown of his eyes. 

her lips twitch instinctively with the threat of a smile, as she watches sj run his fingers through his hair in a way that she’d only ever seen after he’d said something particularly charming, before the knowledge that she’d never again see it done in that context evened her expression out into something passive once more. she wondered if he’d used that same technique on someone else since their break up, wondered if they’d been as charmed as she had, wondered if it’d worked well enough to get them home in his bed. her stomach churned uncomfortably at each thought until she finally forced herself to stop wondering. “ because I’ve missed you. ” she has no choice but to be earnest in her reply, unable to form any better lie or excuse when he wouldn’t stop looking at her. she couldn’t think straight with his gaze on her and yet she never wanted it to leave. “ and I want to - to hear how you’ve been. what I’ve missed. ” she attempts a more suitable answer, even if it is a few seconds too late. “ I don’t want to go. ” I never wanted to. the words burn the back of her throat, along with every other unsaid sentiment hanging heavy and suffocating between them, but she can’t bring herself to push them out. he was allowing her to stay, giving her the only second chance that she may ever get, and that was enough. even if her heart did sink as he finally turned his gaze away.“ so, if you don’t want to go either, would you like to go somewhere? together? ” having this conversation in the middle of the sidewalk, people rushing beside them on either side, seemed wrong somehow. it felt more delicate than that. “ there’s a coffee shop just a few shops down, if you’d like. or, if you have somewhere else in mind, I don’t mind either. ” ideally, she could offer her home as a suggestion. however, her parents and fiance waiting for her there had long since made the house the last place that came to her mind when she needed somewhere comfortable. sj had been more of a home to her than any of them but she’d lost that now as well.

sungjae agrees because it has been too long, far too long and he can’t stand it. he HATES the fact that they’re not together. he can’t just call her and talk about her day or his own day though he always found hers particularly more interesting than his own. he clears his throat. “ that’s okay. you’re.. you know you’re not obligated to do that anymore. so don’t apologise. “ he says shaking his head. he wasn’t sure how he’d react to her if she’d shown up at his door, or called him. he’d probably have broken down like he felt like doing right now. he wishes things had ended on a better note between them, yet partly he feels to blame for being extremely overdramatic when they’d broken up in the first place. but he was hurt. . the way he’d seen it was that she’d cheated on him and he wasn’t sure if he could get past that. “ oh it’s not ? “ he asked, the confusion clear in his voice. because he can hear her frustration and he wants to question it. her next statement catches him off guard. “ i’m as happy as i’m ever going to get. “ that wasn’t very happy. he was miserable. more miserable than he should be, yet here he is and he sighs. “ that. . was different and you know it. “ he says his eyes clearly hold a sad expression as he says it. “ but i won’t be if you don’t want me to be. “ 

joon knew that sungjae wasn’t who he was angry with. if he was honest, he’d only been angry at himself for having to need the sj’s help with something as simple as talking to his ex in the first place. but admitting that was tough and blaming sj had seemed easier at first, had given him something to project his frustration onto. however, now that a few days had passed and he’d finally been able to come to terms with that reality, he felt nothing but guilt for having let his own insecurities and uncertainties get in the way of him and his best friend. he missed him and he just wanted to make things right. 

it isn’t until joon is close that he notices the tear tracks across sj’s cheeks, his heart clenching with the knowledge that whatever had happened had hurt him enough for him to cry. sj was usually all smiles, the brightest light in any room, so to see him cry was an uncommon sight, to say the least. he just barely manages to suppress the instinctive anger that bubbles up in his chest at the thought of someone or something hurting him enough to make it happen. “ I was avoiding you. past tense. but we both know I was being an idiot for doing so anyway, because you meant well in everything you did, so consider this me calling truce. and I’m sorry. ” he speaks softly, his tone a delicate balance between teasing and serious; just enough playful notes to keep him comfortable with enough seriousness to let him know that he was here and he wanted to help. “ so, do you want to tell me what happened now? ” he asks gently, reaching his hand out to carefully settle his hand on sj’s back, rubbing tiny circles there as he tries to comfort him. “ or do I really have to fight a pillow for your affection? ” 

sj  knew what he’d done was a shitty waf going about trying to fix things, but he admired and hated how stubborn joon could be. especially when he got into his own head. he closed his eyes briefly wishing there was a way he could just out from other people just for a little while until his head felt better. until his heart felt better. not that he expected that to happen anytime soon. he wants to sleep, just sleep it all away. he missed joon more than he could comprehend it. missed being able to cuddle up to him on the couch. 

sunny could still remember the first time she’d met him. he’d been such an enigma to her, the complete opposite of everything that she’d ever been. he was bright and open and so unapologetic in everything that he did. he’d been mesmerizing, had left her hanging onto his every word and action, and she’d expected for the magic to fade eventually. however, standing in front of him now, she found herself overcome with the same sense of awe as she watched him. because his hair fell gracefully in front of his eyes, a result of his fingers disrupting their previous place, and yet it was so clear that there were emotions playing out on his features. she wasn’t sure which emotions, exactly, but she found herself irrationally jealous of how easily he allowed himself just to feel whatever they were without filter. it was a luxury she’d never been granted, one that she’d only ever experienced at his side. “ too long, maybe? ” it’s a fine line she’s walking, between honest and politely reserved, and she regrets ever stepping over it the moment that the bitter laugh slips past his lips. she curls in on herself slightly at the sound of it, putting more distance both emotionally and physically between them. “ I’m sorry. ” her voice is soft, barely above a whisper, and it’s the only acknowledgement she gives to his outburst before she allows him to correct himself. and she knows it’s not the truth, knows that his first answer had been much closer to the truth, but she gives a tiny nod regardless. “ right. well, I’m .. glad to hear that. ” she meets his gaze when he finally looks at her and contemplates telling him the truth. I’ve been miserable without you. I worry everyday that I made the wrong choice letting you go and the only way I’m able to get through half of my days is imagining what you would do if you were there. she chickens out at the last second, too afraid of seeing rejection in his gaze if she were to tell him everything. “ I’ve been okay. ” she thought she noticed his gaze flickering downward, giving her a quick once over, but she quickly convinces herself that she’d only imagined it. it does nothing to dismiss the blush that had started to creep up onto her cheeks. “ we are. we’re past that. ” she loved him, certainly she was allowed to at least admit that they were past formalities reserved for strangers. right? “ or .. we were? I don’t know. I guess it’s up to you whether we are or not. ”

she knew that this exchange was short-lived, that there was only so much that could be said between them before they were forced to go their separate ways once more, and yet she felt an unexpected spike of anxiety as he began to dismiss himself from the conversation. " I have time to talk to you. “ it’s not technically true considering her schedule, she knows that and she expects that he will as well, but the words were past her lips before she could stop them. she’d just wanted an excuse to make him stay, something to make him cut off his apologies and pleasantries that inevitably led to him walking away. “ unless you’re busy? ” she adds, after a moment of silence clears her head enough to make her realize that he almost certainly has a whole list of things he’d rather be doing before he’d choose talking to her. “ I mean - I know I just bumped into you and I’m sure you were on your way to something much more important than this before I did. so, I can leave you alone, if you want? ”

sungjae’s mind flashes and hums with memories that he’d pushed far down when they’d broken up. happy memories. never sad. not until this. he takes his part of the blame, he wished he’d tried not to fall in love with her. and got out when he had the chance, yet here he is and he just. . . . is still as in love as the first time he realised. he looks down, brown orbs trained on the ground and he nods his head. “ yeah. . . too long. “ he says and he feels guilty when he sees her physically step back from him and he bites his lip. the shitty feeling washing over him and he closes his eyes breathing and trying to calm himself down for a few seconds before he looks at her again. “ don’t be. “ he says in retaliation. “ what is there to be sorry for ? as long as you’re happy. “ he gives that slight bow of his head out of nothing more than politeness. she was above him and just just because they were in the US didn’t mean that he didn’t respect those older and above. he knows, that sunny will know he’s lying. “ yeah. “ he looks away, and still at anything but her because he can’t do it because if he does he’ll be on his knees and begging her to be with him. because he’s that in love with her, he’d let it all go. just one word from her and she’d have him. she still has him. the dreaded words he thought he’d hear are simply i’ve been okay. better than him then he guessed. “ good. . . i’m glad to hear it. as long as you’re okay. “ he said again and this time he finally looks at her, his eyes full of emotions that he’s not even sure he can know what they are. as subtle as sungjae had tried to be she’d clearly seen him, the blush creeping up her pale skin were a big indicator and he looked down feeling a little ashamed. he should be over this by now shouldn’t he ? he likes seeing the way a simple look affects her yet at the same time. . . he doesn’t. she’s probably embarrassed for him, that he could even still look at her like that when she didn’t feel the same. “ yeah well i’d say so. . . way past it. but no it’s up to you. “ he looks back at her again. “ the formalities are simply up to you. “ he shrugs his shoulders and he keeps his gaze focused on her. i love you and i fucking miss you. it runs through his mind and is on the tip of his tongue but he can’t say it. 

joon had been, admittedly, avoiding sj. he hated it, and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d even considered doing something like this, but it was the only thing he could think to do after sj had invited moonie over without talking to him first. he understood why he did it, of course, and he knew that sj had only the best of intentions in his actions and yet he couldn’t help but feel a little hurt that he’d gone around him like that. despite how confident sj seemed to be in his relationship with moonie, he wasn’t. and being unexpectedly thrown into situations with him when everything felt so delicate between them at the moment made him nervous, to say the least. however, he missed his best friend too much to let his stubborn pouting go on for much longer. so, as he heard the front door to their apartment slam shut, signaling sj’s return, he took a deep breath and made his way toward the living room with every intention of finally talking this through. 

however, once he came into the living room just in time to catch the grunt falling past his roommate’s lips, all thoughts of scolding sj for his previous behavior left his mind. his best friend needed him and that was all that he needed to know to push everything else to the back of his mind. " alright. do you want to talk about it? ” he asked simply, making his way over to the couch and settling beside sj. “ or do you really think that the pillows make better listeners than me? ”

sungjae knew joon had been avoiding him, and he wouldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt for his best friend to do that. all he’d wanted was for joon to be happy, sure he could have done it in a better way. but he just wanted joon to be content and happy and not pining over moonie the way he had been, this way they could have sorted their shit out. that was all he wanted for him, just that. he’s flopped down onto the couch and he really isn’t aware that joon’s home. he hates the fact that he’s avoiding him but in the same way he understands it and it makes him feel worse. he’s laying on the couch in silence, eyes brimming with tears until eventually they begin falling over without him noticing and he isn’t sure what’s hurting him more, seeing the love of his life or his best friend trying to avoid him because he’s angry. 

the moment he'd managed to escape, sj had instead of going to get food headed straight home, and he closed the door a little harder than he normally would. his eyes puffed and red as he walked towards the living room. he wasn’t expecting joon to be home, so when he threw himself onto the couch. his head pressed into the cushions and he yelled into them in annoyance, kicking his legs against the arm of the couch and he huffed out a breath after a few minutes just to calm himself down and when he heat up and needed to breathe he turned his head to stare at the wall. 

“ ahh fuck. “ he grunted out and hid his face again. 

sunny can feel hands on her hips, the grounding touch the only thing keeping her from falling directly onto the concrete below them as a result of their run in, and she’s grateful for the feeling until she recognizes the voice that follows - her gaze confirming what she’d already suspected moments later. and suddenly the touch that had once been so innocent and comforting feels heavy and suffocating instead. because it’s him, the only boy who could ever make her feel like she was something special, and she knows that she should brace herself for the tense conversation that is almost certainly about to follow but she can’t because he’s in front of her, brushing the hair out of his eyes, and he’s so gorgeous that it genuinely steals her breath for a moment. she can’t believe that there was a time that he’d been hers. she can’t believe she’d ruined all of it. because, standing in front of him again, it feels so easy to imagine giving everything up just to see him look at her with his soft smile again. instead, however, the sight of her is enough to wipe any smile that had been on his lips off entirely and she remembers why she’d had to give him up in the first place. he deserved so much more. 

the cold, disinterested tone of his voice snapped her back to reality and she forced herself to swallow the heartbreak that came with it. allowing herself to show her own heartbreak when he clearly felt nothing for her any longer seemed too pathetic to even consider. instead, her posture straightened and she crossed her hands in front of herself, faux composure serving as the only defense mechanism she knew to fall back on. it felt odd to be so formal and reserved around him, when he had been the one person she had allowed herself to relax with previously, but it was all she knew and he’d seemed to give her no choice.“ it’s not that I didn’t recognize you. ” she amends her previous statement, despite the fact that he’s made it painfully obvious he doesn’t care either way. she still wants him to know. she could recognize him in any crowd, could pick him out of lineup based on nothing but the sound of his laugh or the rhythm of his heartbeat; she had every detail of him so committed to memory that she feared that maybe there would never be a day that she didn’t recognize him. “ it’s just that it’s been a while since I’ve seen you. ” she corrects her statement, as if it makes their current situation any better. it doesn’t, of course, but she forced a polite smile onto her face regardless. “ how have you been, sungjae? ” she retracts the familiar nickname she’d let slip previously, addressing him as formally as he had her despite the fact that the entire situation made her want to scream.

sungjae was completely startled, he hadn’t been expecting this and he wasn’t sure if he wanted this at all. her voice was like music to his ears, he’d never get tired of hearing it yet at the same time he felt at a complete loss. all the hurt and emotions he felt were bubbling to the surface and he he ran his hand through his hair, trying to hide it as much as he possibly could and he chewed his lip and he nodded. “ yeah. . i get it. “ he says and he looks down for a moment because he’s unsure of what he wants to say. “ i know. a long while. “ he said and he stared at her, still unsure. then her next question made him laugh, a humourless laugh that he didn’t even mean. “ me ? i’m fine. great. absolutely peachy. “ he says his voice tighter than it normally would be and he breathed in deeply and pinched the bridge his nose and looked back at her. “ i’m fine. “ he said and he looked her over trying to be as subtle as possible. “ how have you been ? “ he asked, though he dreaded the answer. dreaded her telling him that he’d been absolutely fine without him, she was engaged and she was happy. the fact that she’s being so formal annoys him. “ you don’t need to use formalities with me, sunmi. i think we’re passed that, don’t you ? but then again. . i don’t know. sorry. “ he shrugged. he took a few steps back from her, the close proximity being too much for him and he looked away from her again. 

“Sorry, I was sitting here before you came and I realized that I may have forgotten my jacket here. Do you think you may have seen it? It’s black, leather, a little cracked and old. But it has some character to it. It’s kind of sentimental.”

“ oh, hush. we both know you miss me if I even wander off to a different room. ” joon attempts to point out playfully, scrunching his nose up and fondly slapping sj’s hand away when he tries to pinch his cheeks. “ see. you missed me so much. it’s cute. ” nudging his shoulder against sj’s own gently, he teases him as the other boy asks for cuddles that he is more than happy to indulge in. “ but don’t worry, I promise I’ll give you plenty of make-up cuddles. enough that you’ll be sick of me by the time we’re done. ” he promises, hoping to ease the pout off of his best friend’s features and smiling when he manages to do so. the soft ding of a text on sj’s phone is music to his ears, knowing that it means the promise of greasy food soon, and he just barely manages to distract himself from the thought of it long enough to scoff when sj doesn’t immediately know who he’s referring to. “ oh, I don’t know. perhaps a certain ex of yours? ” he raises his eyebrows suggestively once more, hoping to get him to open up and talk more about them. he felt bad always being the one making sj listen to him. “ hey. you know I love you. maybe even more than pizza and snacks. I just can’t tell you all the time or it’ll go right to that head of yours. ” he teases, sticking his tongue out toward him playfully before laughing softly. “ don’t worry, you don’t have any competition for that spot so you won’t be needing to push anyone off of anything for me anytime soon. ”

“ wow, I can’t believe you’d break my heart like that when you know I’m already going through one heartbreak as it is. ” he feigns hurt, a hand coming up to dramatically rest across his chest, directly over his heart. he lowers it back into his lap only once the conversation turns somewhat serious again, sighing when sj is quick to call him out on his lies. “ I know. I’m sorry. both for lying and for making you sit here through all of my lowest points. ” hearing sj point out the obvious, that maybe moonie is just as confused as he is, he can’t help but feel like an idiot for having not seen it earlier. it seems so obvious, so simple, coming from the other boy that he can’t help but feel something similar to hope bubble up in his chest. it’s dangerous and he knows that he should stamp it out before it gets him hurt again but he allows it to linger for a moment instead, enjoying the unfamiliar warmth of imagining a future where everything doesn’t just end between them. “ he said something about that earlier. something about leaving me because he just wanted me to be happy with someone else because he thought he didn’t deserve me or something like that. I thought he was just making excuses because he felt guilty. ” he admits, voice soft. he still isn’t ready to admit that it hadn’t been excuses caused by guilt, isn’t ready to open his heart up entirely to that possibility, but if anyone could make him consider it, it was sj. “ you know you can talk to me too though, right? I know you’ve got a lot going on too and I may seem like a little bit of a mess right now but I promise I’m still as good of a listener as I used to be. I want to hear about you. ” he cuddles a little closer as he calls attention to sj’s own heartbreak, offering him an outlet if he wants one. he hums when he feels sj’s fingers run through his hair, a bit of the tension from earlier immediately leaving him as he sinks further into the couch. “ for starters, you’re frustrating when you think you’re right, you know that? ” he teases, poking his stomach playfully before rolling his eyes. “ hey, I’m not stubborn. I’m just .. not sure what to believe. ” he buried his face into sj’s chest after defending himself weakly, groaning at his next piece of advice. “ I don’t want to stop loving him. what I want is to be with him. but I also don’t want to be an idiot for clinging onto something when it’s already gone. I don’t know. ” he was so conflicted, each side of himself battling with the other, and it seemed obvious in each word that left his lips. “ thank you, though. I think the only way to guarantee that I don’t get my heart broken again is for me to just stay with you instead. ”

sj rolls his eyes. “ despite what you may think. yes i do. “ he says and he acts pouty instead and he smiled when joon pushed his hand away.  he smiles, glad that he’s at least helping him be a little smiley in such a shitty situation and that’s all he wants to do. “ i’m just cute all round. “ he scoffs and then he rolled his eyes. “ as if i’d ever be sick of you and your cuddles. they happen to be my favourite. “ he pointed out and he stops pouting the moment he’s promised cuddles and he offers a grin instead. “ good it’s been what ? six hours ? “ he jokes and he glanced at the phone wrinkling his nose when it interuppted but glad because it notified them their food would be with them shortly. his nose wrinkles again but this time it’s bordering on a frown. “ what ex are we referring too ? “ he plays dumb. because he’s not sure it’s a subject he wants to invest in right now when joon needs to rant. “ oh that ex. right. “ he snorts and he pushes himself back against the couch and he looks over at joon and tilts his head. “ why would you wanna talk about her ? “ he asked. “ i know. i know. but sometimes you make me wonder, man. sometimes i just dunno with you where i stand when it comes to food. “ he shrugs and of course he’s back to his playful demeanour. because that’s how it should be. “ i’ll still be pushing people or things off of stuff if i feel threatned joonie. “ 

joon can’t help the grin that comes across his features when sj is quick to tease him, infinitely grateful for just how easily the other boy manages to make him smile despite the otherwise stressful day he’d had. “ aw, did you miss me? ” he coos, genuine fondness laced in his words. “ don’t worry, I’ll make it up to you with cuddles later, I promise. ” he rolls his eyes then, playful despite the fact that he has every intention to follow through with the promise. there was nothing that improved his mood faster than cuddling up to sj’s side, after all. “ oh, I don’t know about that. I could think of a few people who might love you more than that. ”  he waggles his eyebrows suggestively toward the other boy, hinting at sj’s ex that he’d heard so many stories about. “ but none of them love you as much as I do anyway, so don’t worry about it. ” he tacks on afterward, teasing, before offering him a soft smile in return as the other boy finishes ordering everything he needed. 

“ y’know, this is exactly why I can’t put you above pizza and snacks. ” he immediately retorted, once the conversation had focused back onto him. he starts playing nervously with his own fingers in his lap as sj confirms that he knows exactly who he’s talking about and he hates how nervous he feels even without moonie there, hates how much of an effect he has on him still but he can’t help it. “ yes. I was just going through the list you gave me and he just walked up to me and asked how I was as if it was the most casual thing in the world. ” he recalled moonie’s entrance back into his life, his brows furrowing all over again as he found himself equally as puzzled by the events as he’d felt in that moment. “ but I’m fine. ” the lie fell from his lips naturally, so naturally that he almost found himself worried, but he quickly amended the statement when he remembered that it was sj he was talking to. lying around the other boy wasn’t necessary. he’d already seen him at his lowest, most embarrassing moments and decided to stay. “ I mean - I’m okay. seeing him again is .. unexpected. and it brings back a lot of feelings. but it also doesn’t change anything. he still made the choice he made and .. I’m fine with that. ” a lie still, one that he was certain was just as easy to see through, but a necessary one. admitting that he wasn’t fine with what moonie had decided would be admitting that he still wanted him, that he was still in love with him; he couldn’t do that. “ how can you believe - ” he was cut off from his question as sj answered exactly that, a tiny huff of air leaving him at how well sj could read him and predict his every move. “ I didn’t think something like that could fade in a day either but .. you don’t leave someone that you’re in love with either, so. I don’t know anymore. ” he shrugged softly, glancing up at sj again when he felt his hand settle onto his shoulder and happily leaning into the touch. “ okay. so we might have fought a little bit. ” he admitted, comforted by the lack of space between them. “ but, before you say it was my fault, I didn’t start it. he asked me to look at him and looked disappointed when I didn’t give him the reaction he wanted so I just reminded him that this is what he wanted and he .. didn’t take that well. ” shuffling carefully, he moved closer to sj until he could lean his head down against his shoulder, finding comfort in his presence. “ it’s not that simple. I mean - for starters, he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. so, talking to him is only going to make it harder for me to get over him and that already seems impossible enough. ” he sighed, curling his arm around sj’s beside him. “ plus, I just don’t think I could handle him breaking my heart again, y’know? “

sj smiles at him. ad then he rolled his eyes. “ whatever made you think that i missed you ? we live in the same apartment. i don’t miss you. “ he snorts and still smiles though and then he pinches joon’s cheek. “ yeah you better because if not i’m going to be very joon deprived, okay ? because it’s been so looooooong. “ he whines and gives a full pout but he laughs anyway after it and then he looks back towards his phone when it buzzes a confirmation of the food order and then he looked back towards joon eyebrows raised and his lips curled into a smile. “ oh. . who ? “ he asked, genuinly curious not taking the hint about who joon’s talking about. “ nobody does. you’re not even one of them. “ he makes a face playfully at him. “ oh i know, and nobody loves you quite as much as i do and if they even suggest it, i’ll push them off something high. because it’s lies. “ 

doctorvamp: sounds good !! 

doctorvamp: i still need to get ready though

doctorvamp: should i wear tights or biker shorts ??

 sjjs: so do i, don’t worry take your time   sjjs: perfection takes time right ?