sjsungjaes:
sungjae’s mind flashes and hums with memories that he’d pushed far down when they’d broken up. happy memories. never sad. not until this. he takes his part of the blame, he wished he’d tried not to fall in love with her. and got out when he had the chance, yet here he is and he just… . is still as in love as the first time he realised. he looks down, brown orbs trained on the ground and he nods his head. “ yeah… too long. “ he says and he feels guilty when he sees her physically step back from him and he bites his lip. the shitty feeling washing over him and he closes his eyes breathing and trying to calm himself down for a few seconds before he looks at her again. “ don’t be. “ he says in retaliation. “ what is there to be sorry for ? as long as you’re happy. “ he gives that slight bow of his head out of nothing more than politeness. she was above him and just just because they were in the US didn’t mean that he didn’t respect those older and above. he knows, that sunny will know he’s lying. “ yeah. “ he looks away, and still at anything but her because he can’t do it because if he does he’ll be on his knees and begging her to be with him. because he’s that in love with her, he’d let it all go. just one word from her and she’d have him. she still has him. the dreaded words he thought he’d hear are simply i’ve been okay. better than him then he guessed. “ good… i’m glad to hear it. as long as you’re okay. “ he said again and this time he finally looks at her, his eyes full of emotions that he’s not even sure he can know what they are. as subtle as sungjae had tried to be she’d clearly seen him, the blush creeping up her pale skin were a big indicator and he looked down feeling a little ashamed. he should be over this by now shouldn’t he ? he likes seeing the way a simple look affects her yet at the same time… he doesn’t. she’s probably embarrassed for him, that he could even still look at her like that when she didn’t feel the same. “ yeah well i’d say so… way past it. but no it’s up to you. “ he looks back at her again. “ the formalities are simply up to you. “ he shrugs his shoulders and he keeps his gaze focused on her. i love you and i fucking miss you. it runs through his mind and is on the tip of his tongue but he can’t say it.
he didn’t know what to do, he wants to talk to her. to listen to her talking to him, tell him how much she’s missed him and all those other pathetic cliche things that happen after a break up but yet… at the same time. he can’t bear to hear it from her. he runs his hand through his hair again, one of few nervous habits he has. one that he’s never done in front of sunmi unless he’s been flirting. “ why would you want to talk to me ? “ he asks bluntly, and the words were out before he could stop them. of course he wants her to talk to him. he blinks and stares at her and then shrugs his shoulders. he has about five million and ten things to do, but here he is, standing glued to the spot because he DOES want to talk to her. “ you. . don’t have to go. if you don’t want too. “ more words out before he can stop them. he looks away because he doesn’t want to keep looking at her, he’ll fall straight into her again if he does. and he can’t take the heartache. out of all the suffering he’s done in his life, this is the worst yet. and it only continues to get worse. because he knows months down the line she’s going to be married, and happy. and he’ll be here. stuck and miserable.
sunny thinks that she should feel happy. he'd agreed that it had been too long since they'd last seen each other, an admission that she'd never expected to actually get, and it should’ve been enough to make her ecstatic. instead, however, her chest fills with nothing but guilt and she’s talking before she can stop herself. " I should've called. or come by to see you. or .. something. anything. I'm sorry. " she was almost certain that she’d have been hung up on if she’d tried to call him, would’ve found herself face to face with his door if she’d even thought about visiting him, and yet she still regretted not trying. she’d been so afraid, was still so afraid. “ it’s not about me being happy. ” there’s obvious frustration in her tone, a result of the irony in his words. her happiness had never been a priority, not to her or to anyone else she’d known outside of sj, and to have the hardest decision she’d ever made tossed back at her as if it had been for her own sake is almost too much to bear on top of it all. “ I want you to be happy. ” she just barely resists flinching at the clear lie in his words, at the respect he still shows her as he bows, and she’s suddenly thankful for the lack of attention he’s giving her. because she’s almost certain that she has to look pathetic in front of him, lost and clinging onto each of his words only to flinch and curl in on herself when they’re harsher than anticipated. “ I’m fine. ” it’s a lie that she’s become surprisingly good at telling, the one thing she can make pass her lips convincingly after more practice than she’d like to admit, and yet she still falters when his gaze flickers up to her for the first time. she missed him so much. “ you don’t need to be formal with me. you never have. ” she can’t pull her gaze from his now that she has it, can’t bring herself to part with the deep brown of his eyes.
her lips twitch instinctively with the threat of a smile, as she watches sj run his fingers through his hair in a way that she’d only ever seen after he’d said something particularly charming, before the knowledge that she’d never again see it done in that context evened her expression out into something passive once more. she wondered if he’d used that same technique on someone else since their break up, wondered if they’d been as charmed as she had, wondered if it’d worked well enough to get them home in his bed. her stomach churned uncomfortably at each thought until she finally forced herself to stop wondering. “ because I’ve missed you. ” she has no choice but to be earnest in her reply, unable to form any better lie or excuse when he wouldn’t stop looking at her. she couldn’t think straight with his gaze on her and yet she never wanted it to leave. “ and I want to - to hear how you’ve been. what I’ve missed. ” she attempts a more suitable answer, even if it is a few seconds too late. “ I don’t want to go. ” I never wanted to. the words burn the back of her throat, along with every other unsaid sentiment hanging heavy and suffocating between them, but she can’t bring herself to push them out. he was allowing her to stay, giving her the only second chance that she may ever get, and that was enough. even if her heart did sink as he finally turned his gaze away.“ so, if you don’t want to go either, would you like to go somewhere? together? ” having this conversation in the middle of the sidewalk, people rushing beside them on either side, seemed wrong somehow. it felt more delicate than that. “ there’s a coffee shop just a few shops down, if you’d like. or, if you have somewhere else in mind, I don’t mind either. ” ideally, she could offer her home as a suggestion. however, her parents and fiance waiting for her there had long since made the house the last place that came to her mind when she needed somewhere comfortable. sj had been more of a home to her than any of them but she’d lost that now as well.
