Evelyn

You do not recall the last time your mind didn’t wander around the space while three children in front of you are talking and giggling making jokes about the silliest things ever. You do not recall when you start feeling hollow whenever the four of you—youngsters in the neighborhood where you were raised, playing together in the park amidst the summer heat.

You do not recall since when their gazes are not directed at you when they speak.

Sometimes, you lay down on your bed, staring at the white ceilings with no thoughts other than the weirdness that you feel. Maybe you are tired, maybe you think too much, children don’t have to think aren't they?

But you also didn’t deny an ache in your heart whenever that weirdness crept up your heart and mind. It's always the four of you; you, [MC] who lives next door, her brother (they aren’t blood-related, you know this fact from him), and the quiet boy who lives across your house. You know it’s always the four of you, making chaos in the neighborhood. Like last Halloween, Caleb (the brother) bravely took Mr. Brown’s jack-o’-lanterns in his yard and brought it to Josephine (his grandmother) asking her to make a pumpkin soup out of it. Yup, lanterns as in plural. Because Caleb knew he got 3 more pairs of hands to help him take those home. All that effort reap into Mr. Brown nagging and your candies got confiscated by your parents.

What a good time it was, you thought.

Your mind wanders again, still in your room but you feel like you are floating and spinning around like a vinyl in a turntable. There it goes again, the hollowness in your heart.

You felt like something had shifted in your group in April, when cherry blossoms filled the streetwalk and ladybugs roaming around Zayne’s backyard. It was Mrs. Althea’s (Zayne’s mom) idea that it would be nice to have a backyard picnic—with the basket filled with strawberry jam-filled bread and the picnic mat.

It was when [MC] chased Caleb because he annoyed her, his thrilling laughter, [MC]’s yelling, and your gaze fell into Zayne who was reading a seemingly-complicated-book just a second ago, now looking at her; soft.

You never saw that sight of Zayne before.

After that picnic, the little nook of your brain starts to re-evaluate everything: your life, your relationships, everything. All without your consent to think so much.

You traced back when you tripped on your bike, not seeing the road and your tire hit a big pebble and made your knees scrape against the ground. [MC] was the first one who rushed to your side, followed by Zayne then Caleb. [MC] tried her best to not encourage you to cry, fanning your knees in hope that somehow it lessens your pain. Zayne, being as smart as he is, said that your knees are alright, it could heal without scars. Caleb laughed at you.

You laughed too.

It was stupid reaction, you should've cried, you should've screamed. It's still normal to scream, you were a fifth-grader, and your knees hurt. But you didn't do it, you went with Caleb’s way, dismissing your pain.

After your realization, you had this voice saying that maybe this is the side effect of getting a year older and close to turning into a teenager. You think so much.

But are you?

So you tried to talk less, focusing on the math lesson you hate so much instead of stealing glances to Zayne or Caleb or [MC]. Not so suddenly, but gradually less talking. Months seep into years, and the four of you are now in middle school. Caleb joined basketball, [MC] joined the school committee with Zayne, and you joined the literature club. Your schedule starts to not align with theirs, yet when you are able to join them, you are left alone wondering when did they start to show interest in Spiderman and inviting you to watch the new movie together.

It's still confusing you but you agree to join anyway. So, you picked clothes from your wardrobe on Saturday, getting ready. When you heard them calling your name from the outside, then you said bye to your mother and heading out.

On the way to the cinema, somehow your footsteps are slower than them while you walk. You lost count how many times you tried to catch up, gazing down on your feet. You only looked up when they asked for your opinion, you didn’t catch what they were talking about so you went agreeing with Caleb’s opinion or Zayne’s.

It’s when the three of them in front of you are arguing with the ticketing staff. It’s when Zayne starts backing up Caleb's silly prank on her. You saw a very perfect picture.

You felt like the cameraman in a movie.