Ralph: "What do want to eat? A McFishin'?"
Me: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂"...It's called a 'Filet-o-Fish."
Acquired Stardust
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Not today Justin


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@sissybiscuit
Ralph: "What do want to eat? A McFishin'?"
Me: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂"...It's called a 'Filet-o-Fish."

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Life’s hard. Make some mozzarella sticks.
"Stop crying or I'll really give you something to cry about."
That's what some mothers say to their kids. (I say "some mothers" because my mom usually said, "Stop crying or I won't give you these pretzels." I was a fat kid.)
Over the summer I felt like I had a lot to cry about. Enough crying that I had nothing to say. I ran out of funny ideas. I stopped working for a bit. Some of you sent me emails asking if I was still alive. Thank you-- that was very kind of you. If I ever die for real, I'll be sure to haunt you so that you know the scoop. That's what you were hoping for, right? And it will be ME haunting you, so rest assured: I will wait until you're masturbating to do it.
I was just sad. It happens to a lot of comedians. It felt good to be numb and to just do nothing. To just be.
Then the universal mother said, "I'll give you something to REALLY cry about."
And suddenly an exploding ham and cheese hot pocket in an ill-fitting suit became the leader of the free world. Within seconds he started acting like Jafar with three wishes from the genie--zapping everything in sight and turning it into chaos, gold coins, and overly sexy Jasmines.
Shit My Husband Has Said
-“You are not an idiot for not knowing the difference between a quiche and a frittata. You’re an idiot if you think they should both go back to the countries they came from.”
-*While eating the last of the crumbs from the bag of tortilla chips in a bowl with a spoon, with salsa poured on them,*: “I made a new cereal.”
-“I want the cat to like me more than you, so I’m keeping chicken in my pockets. I’m just warning you because you do all of the laundry.”
-“Getting your palm read is like being robbed and having to tip your robber.”
-“I want to open a winery and make a red wine called Biff Tannens.”
-“I know the list said ‘eggplant’ but I bought an avocado. In fairness, I really think that avocados should be called eggplants. It just makes more sense.”
-“I’m trying to put some space between watching each of the Die Hard movies. I like to forget that Bruce Willis gets in trouble so that I’m surprised. It’s not fun if you see it coming. They should have called it, ‘Die Hard 2: Bruce Willis Has a Totally Normal Christmas.’”
-“Do you think everyone on Orange is the New Black has their period on the same day? Do you think that’s actually the worst part of prison, all the periods are in sync?”
-*Shoves an envelope in my face* “This is IMPORTANT. You MUST renew this. I’m not ashamed to say I love reading this on the can. I’ve learned a lot about myself.” (It’s my Oprah magazine subscription.)
I wish there was a way I could assign more Pokemon to spots around my dad's house because Pokemon Go is making him INSANE
Me: "What's up, Dad?"
Dad: "I'm making a wooden sign that says, 'Pokemon GO AWAY.'"
Me: "Sounds like a fun day."
Dad: "I don't know what's in my maple tree, but whatever it is, it needs to DIE."
Me: "Could be anything. A Jiggy Puff. Psyduck. Charmander."
Dad: "Do you know how to kill it?"
Me: "I'm almost 30 and no one has ever asked me how to kill a Pokemon...but, no."
Dad: "Okay. I'm gonna go get my chainsaw."

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Why My Grandma is the Most Grandma of Them All
I did this for my dad and for my mom, I can’t believe it took me this long to write about my favorite sassy old lady. Here it goes, why my grandma (Gram) is the most grandma of them all:
1. Although she benefits from the wisdom of old age, she doesn’t scoff at those who are younger than her.
When I was a kid, if I came home from school crying about something, my Gram’s first reaction was always to pat me on the back and say, “This too shall pass.”
At the time that saying did nothing but frustrate me. This too shall pass??? Gram, you clearly have no idea what I’m going through, here. I’m in turmoil! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PITY ME!
When I got older, I realized that she had lived through the Great Depression, raised five boys alone after her husband died, and was on the verge of going hungry for most of her life. She probably couldn’t give a fuck about the fact that I got hit in the head with a volleyball in gym class. During the Great Depression they were lucky to HAVE heads. And no one could afford volleyballs. Saying, “This too shall pass,” was giving me too much credit AS IS. She could have just smacked me and said, “BE HAPPY YOU HAVE A HEAD TO HIT.”
When I’m a grandma, and my grandkids are crying because their cyborgs aren’t making an organic, free range lunch fast enough, I hope I have the grace to say, “This too shall pass,” and hug those ungrateful little assholes.
2. She’s the smallest woman alive.
Here’s a list of things my grandma can fit in: a laundry basket, a backpack, a gopher hole, a cereal box…I bet she could even fit in Donald Trump’s minuscule, charred chestnut of a heart. It’s impossible not to love my tiny grandma.
3. She is really funny and she knows it.
Over Thanksgiving we brought Gram to my parents house to eat dinner with us. She can’t walk without a cane, so I helped her to the table and set her cane next to the chair. She looked up at me and said, “You know, at home I have a fancy three wheeled cart that I use to get around.”
“That sounds nice,” I said.
“Yeah,” she replied. “…I was gonna bring it today, but I didn’t want to show off.”
Later that evening, after a full meal, she fell asleep on the couch. We were all sitting around her, talking and snacking, when she woke up suddenly and shouted, “I’m still alive!”
4. Nearly every day of her life, she has finished the newspaper’s crossword puzzle in pen.
This is old person, level: bad ass. I still can’t do crosswords in pen, and I have a Bachelor’s degree in English. When I would stare at her in awe as she worked, she’d say, “Ehh, you get two or three and then the rest fall into place.”
WTF? No, gram. That has never happened to me.
She’s smarter than me and I don’t even know if she finished high school. She might have had to drop out to work in a mine or in one of those child factories. (I mean a factory that employs children, not one that makes children. …See? I can’t even form a proper sentence. Like I’m going to know a five letter word for, “Poi parties.”)
((I googled it–it’s “Hawaii.” GOOGLE HAS RUINED CROSSWORDING. I WILL BE DUMB FOREVER.))
Moving on.
I made this sign that says, “Quitting is for Assholes” and I hung it above my desk for inspiration. My husband saw it, paused, and said, “Why is quilting for assholes? …And why do you need to remember it?”
Fail.
“I have to hang up, Sis. My friend wants me to go to this wine and painting thing tonight. Ugh. Can’t I just drink? Why does there have to be an activity?” –My mom.
Have a great long weekend you guys!
For your Philadelphia summer noshing.

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Small part of my brain (whispering): “You know…it’s okay to just be happy and like yourself.”
Rest of my brain: “WHhaaaaaaAAATTTTtttt??!!”
Happy Father's Day :)
Me: "Hey, Dad! Want to come to the city for Father's Day? We can get some Pho."
My Dad: "Yes! I love Pho. I eat so much Pho, some day they are going to offer me Phive."
Me: "You love the dad jokes."
My Dad: "It's the only kind of joke I can make."
Me: "I fell in love with a picture of a kitten and I think I want to buy her. Is that crazy?? I mean is it nuts to commit to her before I even meet her?!"
My mom: "I never met you and it worked out great."

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I’m so heartbroken for everyone involved in the tragedy in Orlando. I was 14 when 9/11 happened, and I have not become numb to how hard it is to watch this type of history being made. I hope I never do. I hope none of us ever do.
"We can afford the price of peace. Love is all it costs." --Dolly Parton