Can you define a qpr for me? I'm not quite sure about my romantic orientation/preference and i'm usually very confused whether i want to be romantic with the person or just be good friends.
QPR is short for QueerPlatonic Relationship* which is in simple terms, a relationship based on feelings that are platonic rather than romantic, often with alterous attraction, and which the general concept of friendship as it’s seen in our society does not fully encompass. It can involve anyone of any orientation, although the term was coined by the aro-spec community, and most commonly used within it.
Alterous attraction can be described differently depending on how people identify with it, and the same can be for the feelings in a QPR. Some people feel like it is a blending of platonic and romantic attraction, or in the middle of a scale if platonic is on one end and romantic the other**. For me, alterous attraction is completely separate from platonic or romantic. It is in itself emotional intimacy, which can then be combined with platonic and/or romantic feelings/attraction.
QPR’s are likewise specific to the individual(s) involved. Some people feel like it is a mix of platonic and/or romantic and/or alterous, or have it as some midpoint in a scale**. The specific ratio of feelings can vary, but generally “not wholly romantic in nature/mostly platonic in nature” is the dividing line between qpr’s and romantic relationships. For me, my qpr is a mix of platonic and alterous, which is to me what distinguishes it from my other friendships.
For example, my qp and I want to move in together at some point in the future (and get a cat!). This isn’t unusual for friends, especially since pretty much most young adults need roommates to be able to afford a place to live, and pets are awesome. However, most people probably wouldn’t want to marry their best friend. I do (and she does too). We’re also each other’s primary relationship, meaning (as our personal preferences) neither of us are likely to enter into another relationship, or if we do, it’s something we’d discuss. I also asked her to be my qp, which is pretty standard since it’s generally a relationship people enter into consciously unlike non-queerplatonic friendship where going “do you want to be my friend?” isn’t the “standard way to become friends™.”
As for distinguishing QPRs from Romantic relationships, if it doesn’t fit into what you would categorize as a romantic relationship, that might be a good way? I’m not really sure since I don’t experience romantic attraction and know I don’t. I just know what I feel isn’t romantic, and due to my romance repulsion, anything that’s romantic (or romance coded) makes me deeply uncomfortable. It was easy for me to tell, so I’m not sure I’m going to be much help on that front. If you’re not sure whether it’s platonic, qpr, or romantic, maybe trying to see yourself in each kind of relationship with the person and see what feels right?
From my QP (who is bi and alloromantic):
Not really sure. My feelings are strong but I’ve never sat down and teased apart the exact functional difference. Or if I have, I forgot the exact process I followed and I’m trying to do it again.
All I really know for sure is that I care about Os a lot and being with her makes me happy. And no previous relationship, friendship or not, outdoes it. <#
There are some aro-spec labels that are also the inability to distinguish platonic from romantic or just the nature of your own feelings. Quoiromantic is the one that springs to mind first, but it may be worth looking into if you feel it may be applicable. Know you don’t have to label yourself if you don’t want to, that you can always change labels later, and you can have as many that you feel you need to describe yourself. You also don’t have to label your relationship as anything, if you want some kind of a relationship with the person(s) as long as you communicate openly about what it is you and the involved party(s) want, you can let the relationship exist as it is.
* Quasiplatonic and quirkyplatonic are other names for it for people who don’t want to use the word queer.
I personally do not like the term quasiplatonic as quasi does mean “like” but in general usage is more along “like, but not really” and I dislike the connotations. I also sometimes call it a queerplatonic friendship because I feel that’s also reflective of how I see my relationship, and when I’m really romance repulsed, the word relationship is all kinds of uncomfortable.
I suggest using whatever form you’re comfortable with, and using the form that other people are comfortable with if at all possible. A good middle ground is also just “QPR”.
** There’s a lot of debate/people not liking the use of the scale for romantic, platonic, alterous and friendship, queerplatonic, romantic as it feeds into the perception that there is some kind of hierarchy between platonic/romantic, and friendship, romantic relationships. It can contribute to the perception that one is more than the other, and the societal devaluation of friendship. Which is why there’s a lot of pushback against the phrase “more than friends”. Every kind of attraction and relationship is valid and important.
QPRs can involve sexual attraction/activities or not as it is determined by the platonic romantic side of things. It is not the same as a romantic relationship where there is no sexual attraction/activity. So it tells people nothing about the sex lives of the people involved, only that the relationship is queerplatonic.
Alloromantic is a term for people not on the aromantic-spectrum.
I suggest searching through some aro blogs if you want more information on aro-spec identities as the aro tag isn’t exactly safe right now.
@qpadvice is a blog I looked at when I was trying to figure out what exactly a qpr is. They also have a nice little picture form you can fill out to ask someone to be your QP if you decide that’s what you want. (I filled it out for my QP and sent it in an email with additional wording, and she said yes. So it does work.)
<# is what my QP and I use instead of <3. She also gave me permission to post the things related to her, and isn’t currently wanting people to ask her about our relationship, so is going to remain anonymous.
However, my ask box is open, as is my message system if you need clarification or have any more questions about QPR’s in general or aro-spec identities.
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