My parents divorced when I was eight years old. They had just purchased a house together in the woods in Walker, Louisiana, which is twenty or so miles from Baton Rouge. After seeing his subsequent relationships, I realize that this is something my father does when his marriage is rocky- he sells his house and then buys or builds a new one for the sake of distraction. I’ve actually seen it work for him. Once engaged in a new project and excited by the possibilities, his wife might forget to ask why he was out so late, who he was with, and why he smells like another woman’s perfume. But this time, his trick didn’t work. My mother had had enough. I don’t even think we lived in that house in the woods for a full year before my mother suggested he go stay with his whore instead.

by peachsquid

My job is boring. I work in an office and do data entry for eight hours a day. Then I go home to my dull, taupe colored apartment. I feel like I’m the kind of person who would have a cat. But I don’t have a cat. I have some plants, so I go home and water my plants. I eat tasteless microwaveable food then I go to sleep and have dull dreams. Sometimes I spice things up and order Chinese food for delivery. My life is mind-numbingly boring.

Then one day, one of my coworkers came to work with a smile on his face and a straw hat tilted at a jaunty angle on his head. He was humming a song when he sat at his desk. He stared at his key board for a moment with that smile still plastered on his usually grumpy face. He turned to me and said “well I can’t for the life of me remember how to use this darned thing.” Then he turned his head back to his computer, his neck made an eerie popping sound and I swear, I saw a strange bulge for just a second at the base of his neck.

Finally, something interesting. I’m not going to take my eyes off him. I’m going to watch this all play out, I thought. I’m hesitant to say that I’m ‘glad’ I did, but I was right, my life finally got interesting.

he’s coming to get you

he’s coming to get you

he’s here

I’ve always felt anxiety and pressure in social situations. It wasn’t that I disliked the people around me. Far from it. But something about the expectation to perform in a social capacity always filled me with dread.

For a while, I thought I was broken. Everyone I knew loved hanging out and being around one another. In one of my peaceful moments of alone time, I decided to do a little research to find out if something was wrong with me.

I learned about introversion. I learned about countless millions of people just like me. It became my mission to discover and understand the ins and outs of that mindset so I could better myself. I finally realized I didn’t have to change who I was. I could embrace it.

Over the years, I’ve cultivated knowledge I feel may be helpful to other introverts who don’t know there are people like them. I want to share with you some examples of situations where I felt uncomfortable and how I handled them. I don’t expect everyone to encounter the exact same situations or react the same way, but I think this will be a good template for other introverts to use.

Hi! I’m so glad you’re reading this!

If you’re here then you probably want to learn how to be best friends forever! That’s great! Having a BFF is the best thing in the world. You can talk to them, you can just hang out, play videos games, eat snacks. Just all great things. It’s really the best. Obviously I think so, since I’m writing this.

Anyway, I bet you want to get to step one. But you need to be patient. JUST BE PATIENT. I mean, hold on a second. I’m getting ready. I need a little bit of time.

Step 1: Find your friend!

To have a friend, you have to find a friend. It is not as easy as you might think. You can’t just go to the grocery store and buy a friend. If you’re anything like me, meeting friends in person (like at school or playground) is really hard. I’ve never had many friends. I’ve tried. Really really hard. But it is so hard. People think I’m weird. No one understands me. Mom said I am just different. But she had all her friends at the hospital. She didn’t understand me either.

Because I can’t meet friends in person, I turned to the internet. The internet is a place on a computer where people can talk to each other. I go to chatrooms and also play games. I met my BFF Andy while we were playing a game called WOW. I have a super high level character. So I decided to befriend someone with a super low level character. That would make a good start to a friendship. Usually low level guys are younger players who just got the game.

Andy was a noob. He’s 14 and totally awesome. I’m a little bit older, but who cares. We can still be best friends. Best friends forever!

Step 2: Befriend!

The way I befriended Andy was offering him gold and stuff for the game. He was really excited to have a more experienced player helping him out. I also kind of lied to him. I took a few years off my actual age. I also told him I had a guild he could join. But it’s okay to lie as long as you come clean eventually. It’s okay I lied. It’s okay. IT’S OKAY. IT’S OKAY. IT’S OKAY. Okay.

We became friends. We played every day. Andy and I would focus on the game, but we also talked. I found out he lived in Florida. I do too! His town was only 40 minutes away. I told him he could come over any time, which is true. See, I don’t always lie. But I did tell him I lived in my own house which was huge because I was a software engineer and I had a bunch of money. This wasn’t exactly true. I do plan to be a software engineer though. I want to be a billionaire. So it was like a half lie. Better than a whole lie.

So Andy and I spent a few weeks chatting every day. It was fun. We shared a lot of interests. But not everything was okay. He told me his parents made him do chores. I told him that wasn’t fair. If he came and worked for me I wouldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do. No chores. Just two fun boys hanging out, making money, playing games and stuff.

At first he was hesitant. That made me mad. I don’t like being mad. It makes me feel wriggly inside. DO WHAT I SAY. STOP THE BAD WORM FROM COMING OUT. But after a while he came around. He agreed that it would be fun to live with another boy, especially if we had lots of fun. I like fun. I like Andy.

step 3: meet Up!

I was so excited when Andy came to visit. I paid for his bus ticket. I can’t drive, and obviously neither can he. I borrowed Mom’s card to pay for it. Andy didn’t know I still lived with her. I told him that I lived on my own in a big house with lots of toys and games. But he won’t even notice Mom. I told her to be quiet. She sleeps all the time anyway.

He told his parents he was going to grab a soda from the store, but he was really coming to visit me! His parents don’t like me. He said they think I am a liar and that I don’t have millions of dollars. I told him they are filthy and have no right to be cruel to me. They make the bad worm come out. But I didn’t tell him that part. I didn’t want to scare him. Mom used to say I scare people. She said all boys have a worm but mine is bad and I shouldn’t talk about it.

Andy got off the bus and I met him at the bus stop. At first he didn’t believe it was me. I understood. I didn’t exactly look like how I told him I would. I said I was an attractive sixteen year old with a 6 pack and blond hair. In reality…I am not. Andy didn’t want to go with me at first but I made him. I was bigger.

He was very difficult at first. He kept saying he wanted to go home. I told him he was home. He was crying and crying. It made me mad. MY BAD WORM CAME OUT. IT CAME OUT. IT CAME OUT. But it only lasted thirty minutes. Andy was bleeding but alive. He had never had a worm inside him before.

I locked him in the bathroom so I could get the friendship ready. Oh! I forgot!

STEP 4: INJECT THE FRIENDSHIP!!!!

It’s so easy! You boil some water or milk or whatever you have available. It has to be hot. Then you suck it up into a syringe. I use the same ones over and over. Then I don’t have to buy any. Mom had a lot left over from when she was sick.

Ok, so now you have the liquid. Then you hold your friend down. I am much bigger than Andy so it was easy to get him on the floor. Plus he was already in pain from the worm. Sometimes you might have to make your friend go to sleep first, otherwise they struggle too much. But Andy was good. He was a good boy.

You put the needle in the eye. Not in the middle, silly. In the spot near the nose. It’ll go in deep. Your friend might scream but it’ll stop as soon as you inject the hot water. It makes their brain mushy like soggy paper. Everybody reacts differently, but usually they get tired. Andy whimpered a lot. He sounded like a puppy. Plus he peed himself. But that’s okay. I did it two more times.

I cleaned him up and we played games all night. He couldn’t hold the controller so I did solo mode. I talked to him about my big dreams. He drooled a lot. I tried to hold in the bad worm, but it came out a few times over the course of the night.

Andy is my best friend forever. His forever, of course. He will hopefully stay alive for a few more days. My last BFF lasted only 12 hours, but Andy has lived twice that already. He is a good boy. A good friend.

And there you have it! This is how you get a best friend forever. I hope you appreciate me taking the time to write this. Let me know if you follow my advice!

Oh, oops.