Nessie

How hypocritical is it that I feel so desperately isolated and lonely, yet I have no desire to be known? Nobody else should have to look into the mess that is my head. It'd be scary to tell somebody I'm okay and for them to tell me they know I'm not. No, thank you. I'll pass.

I want to go home so bad, but I find these days I don't even know where home is or what it means.

Guys fanfiction has taken over my life. I'm consuming it in what is most certainly an unhealthy amount. If I'm ever on my phone, which I always am, I am reading fanfiction. I read it at school, in the car, in the br, when I should be sleeping. There's something so comforting in reading about your favorite characters in a million new ways. Wonder why my screen time shows only like 15 minutes a week on tik tok? It's bc of ao3. My chrome screen time is like 20 hours a day. I lose sleep over this. Send help. 💀😭 but actually don't bc you won't be able to pry it from my cold dead hands.

You can never read a book for the first time again, but you can pick it up a million times after and fully reread it, or just your favorite scenes, and find home and comfort in its pages. Maybe you'll notice new things and maybe you won't, but those characters will always be there for you if you need them. And that's kind of beautiful.

Why do I take it personally when I read negative reviews of my favorite books? My brain tells me they're invalidating my feelings and personally attacking me. Like back off, miss girl, it just wasn't for them. In other words, Ari and Dante had such a big impact on me I read it like 2 years ago and still think about it constantly. Ari Mendoza is me and I am Ari Mendoza. That's all.