I met you exactly 11 months, 1 week, and 1 day ago. How have you been? The last time I talked to you was 4 months ago, on your birthday when I greeted you. From what I see on your social media, you seem pretty happy with your girlfriend. I’m happy for you. I really am. But there are your occasional “big sad” tweets. I hope you’re doing better in that regard, buddy.
I am writing this letter because I feel like I never got to fully acknowledge my feelings and thoughts about what happened between us, because it was either to painful or tiring. So now I will, because I want to leave all of that in 2019. I wanna start fresh this 2020. Hopefully, with Evo. So, yeah. Here goes:
I knew from the start that what we had was unconventional. I guess I was so on guard, because you were my first. Up to this day, I don’t know if my being on guard was a good thing or a bad thing. Did it hinder us from becoming more? Probably. But did it save me from a worse pain? Very likely. I didn’t let myself love you because my gut always told me that something was off. Something about us just didn’t feel right. I think you knew that, too. I don’t know if you ever really meant it when you said you loved me.
I know we were both tired of the fights. Oh, god, the fights. It’s like we couldn’t go a week without fighting about something. You’d get on my nerves or I would get on yours. We both know that there were times wherein the most logical thing we could have done was to end it. We both tried to, I think. And at some point I think we both begged for the other to stay - promising we would make it work. That we’d be better. Try harder. I swear to god I tried. I tried to be more understanding. Calmer. Loving. What you wanted me to be. I promised you I was gonna see us to the end. But somewhere, somehow, we plateaued. That’s what you said - we plateaued. Maybe I was in shock, because I was trying my best. But it wasn’t coming across? I tried, Axel. I really did. But did you? During the latter part of our relationship, you were so angry all the time. Minor mistakes I did would piss you off. It was hard to be around you, but I still wanted you. I kept thinking we just had to try harder and communicate better. But then you left. You ended things three times in the span of one week. You only came back twice. Tell me, why’d you keep me around? I was ready to let you go. Was it because I was someone convenient? Someone you slept and woke up with. Someone you were intimate with. Someone who was there for you when you needed to unload feelings about your Mom and your acads. Was I just someone you talked to when you had no one?
Alam ko naging toxic din ako. Naging toxic tayo sa isa’t-isa. May mga bagay kang nagawa na never kong maiintindihan kung bakit mo nagawa. I was so angry and hurt, because I felt like I deserved an explanation, but I never got one. Was I that expendable? Did none of your words and promises mean anything anymore? I know I made mistakes, but I owned up to them, because I promised I would do my best to make us work. But I think that meant jackshit to you. I had to find out through your Twitter??? I will never understand how you could have done that to me. But anyway, I am not writing this letter to talk shit about you (although I already kind of did. Tough shit, bro).
This is me saying goodbye. This is where I leave you, Axel. It might be hard to believe, but I think I’m not angry at you or at what happened anymore. I hope it’s because I’ve moved on, and not just because I’m happy with Evo. But for what it’s worth, thank you. Thank you for what was and for what never will be. We had our moments, and there were times I thought what I felt was love. You know there were times wherein I almost said it. But I’m glad I didn’t, because looking back, I know I would not have meant it. Thank you for leaving when you did and for not coming back when I begged to get back together. If you had said yes, we would have probably ended up worse. So thank you from saving me from myself and probably a lot more pain. I don’t think I regret meeting you and being with you. Maybe some parts I do regret. But I don’t know if I would have met Evo if I wasn’t in such a shitty place after what happened to us. If meeting Evo meant I had to go through what we had again, I would do it in a heartbeat. Because of you, I now know how I don’t deserve to be treated in a relationship. No offence, dude. What you did in no way absolves me of what I did. But at least I had the balls to admit it. Okay, I’m getting sidetracked again. Sorry. But for reals, thank you for what we had, whatever it was and however brief it was. There is one thing I learned from you - it’s that we can always be better. I try to be. I hope you still do, too
Goodluck with your life, your music, your family, your acads, your girlfriend. Thanks for being part of my 2019.
