I Peter 1:18-19

(via thatkindofwoman)

we originally moved here so josh could go to school for free (which fell through for other reasons) and we were offered his great grandmothers house rent free. then when we moved we found out his grandmother didn’t tell the current renter to get out so we were stuck in an apt we couldn’t afford. then Joshs hours got cut and we even more couldn’t live here. so we asked her again to kick the guy out. I was told it was clean and stuff. you know, liveable but that it was definitely dated and it wasn’t aesthetically nice. but it was free. free turned into like $100/mo (which is so so cheap but also NOT free) and the guys gf left him and so he let the place go to hell. then he was supposed to be out just before last of jan so we could clean and slow move. but he just got out and we have to do all that and move before the 29th which is when we have to be out of our apt. so you know, MONDAY.

I got to see the place for the first time last Sunday. I sobbed the whole time I walked through the house. I don’t want Ruby touching any surface floor or walls or anything. a feral cat got in and peed on everything so the whole house smells like cat pee and is FILTHY and gross. there are dusty cobwebs everywhere and old spiders and it’s like someone hasn’t lived here in six months or more but yet this guy and his CHILD lived here up until a couple weeks ago. I’m just crushed. but trying to be positive. last night we had been cleaning for a couple hours and because the grime is so thick, we didn’t get much done and we have four days left and today is almost gone and I can’t clean with Ruby and no one can watch her today so josh is fixing stuff and trying to clean himself as best he can but of course it’s slow going. And it takes a half hour to get out there anyway so that eats tons of time with having to get supplies from the store and stuff.

Another problem is a lot of the walls are damaged but but also aren’t drywall so the option is to do a quick patch job (although the walls are riddled in shoddy patch jobs that are dirty and funny story, plaster is water soluble so when I tried to clean it, I took the plaster off) or just replace the whole wall. the paint is cracked and (dry) peeling everywhere and I can’t tell if it’s because of moisture or age or what we’re suspecting, LEAD PAINT. so determining how/if we need to replace them. I just feel in over my head.

Big spiders are everywhere and I literally am terrified to be here with Ruby. and like the closets aren’t really finished so it’s just framing and spiders and shitty particle board paneling that’s not even installed well.

it looks like the scene for a horror movie or like hoarders minus all the hoarded shit. It’s been causing me so much anxiety that I’m having panic attacks on the regular and I’m just crying all day. and I’m nervous that the neighborhood if you can call it that (we’re out in the country now) is so poor and trashy that if we fix the house up and make it nice, we will be a crime target. I met the neighbor woman last night and while she was very kind she was explicit that we need to lock our doors and not leave stuff in our cars because of …. and then she nodded towards a trailer across the street.

so. we can’t stay in our current apt (I tried but they’ve already got new tenants), there isn’t money to hire a cleaning crew, I have no idea what to do about replacing walls and things … it’s def not going to happen before we move in and so my goal is just cleaning but again, we’re out of time and I can’t bring Ruby there.

it’s just such a huge disaster. the new plan is maybe moving in and then living with Josh’s parents for two weeks while we finish cleaning. It’s not my fav plan because their house is PACKED already. But they’re so kind to offer. anyway.

The prosperity gospel basically puts emphasis on the importance of personal empowerment of the believer and on gaining money and possessions in this life.

It is unbiblical because in the prosperity gospel, the believer is told to use God, whereas the truth of biblical Christianity is just the opposite—God uses the believer. Prosperity theology sees the Holy Spirit as a power to be put to use for whatever the believer wills. The Bible teaches that the Holy Spirit is a Person who enables the believer to do God’s will.

My mom was hurt when I told her that she can be there while I’m laboring, but once it comes time to push she needs to go to the waiting room until 1 hour after his birth. She was like “I could just not come til after he’s born!” And I was like “no, I want you to feel welcome during labor, but pushing and 1 hour bonding time is just me and my husband and doula.” You will NEVER get that time back.

No, just no.

Our cousin came to visit a couple of hours later, and wanted to bring her BRAND NEW BOYFRIEND into the room, and we were like, “are you kidding?” My sister was like, “I just GAVE BIRTH, I don’t want to meet your new boyfriend!” Some people just don’t get it.

I agree - be firm! It’s your body, your baby, your decision, and you need to be as comfortable as you can be. I know that when I give birth, I want my husband there, and probably my mom and that will be it, and I don’t want anybody visiting on that first day, and I’ll probably only let immediate family visit me in the hospital. Everyone always rushes in and visits you in the hospital, and you’re so exhausted and just want time with your baby, and then you have nobody visiting when you get home. I watched it happen with my sister.