
if i look back, i am lost
Not today Justin
we're not kids anymore.
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He cheated.
He left way before today
He was gone with the wind
He was tripping the boundaries, the line
He was being the lier I always knew he was
He forgot that I feel, and that I love
There is no excuse for 3 years of cheating
He said it, he doesnât like⌠me. My vessel, my curves, my nakedness.
But he likes my brain and who I am
And he thought it was ok to forget that for hours, he thought of nothing while he cheated
Iâm paying right? Paying my own mistakes
The part that hurts is not my ego. Is not the I shouldâve checked, I shouldâve pushed, is not the I knew you were hiding something
If I am something is receptive. It hurts⌠my heart races and I feel it in my ears. My head pounds and my eyes go dark seconds out of time.
What hurts isâŚ
Is that I was in this, trying every day. Crying in my sleep. Thinking new ways to make this work.
What hurts was my sincerity.
Yet he was cheating, gone before the wind, living in the memory of our first two years
But to whoever reads this.
Depression is not an excuse to cheat
Depression doesnât take away your accountability
He left
He broke something in me
I donât think I can ever trust like I did before and I know I will try eventually.
Iâm not going to be broken forever
Iâm going to make myself not be alone
I will buy followers and a pet
I will pay my own little rent.
And if he is ok before I am I will be happy for him
I am hurting in a way I canât describe, is a settlement in my stomach.
It was 5 years of happiness for me.
I will never forget the Middles, the pet names.
I will not forget your embrace, your sweet words.
I will still hold the pictures 1400 I counted them.
But I will move on.
Slowly and in pain.
But I will do it again my love.
I will love you forever
And I donât hate you.
I never will.
I love you regardless of the pain
Because even though you were never perfect you were my at once everything that kept me going.
I will find happiness again.
Good bye Juan.
Thank you for the time you gave me, I will always carry you in my heart.
Tuve un amor.
El era como un perrito herido.
Lloraba cuando tenĂa calor y gritaba con el frĂo.
Me hacĂa reĂr hasta por los codos.
Me amaba y adoraba en su propia forma, dulce y pendiente.
El era lo que necesitaba en aquel momento. Asi que
Me volvi necesaria. Para poder ser amadaâŚ
Que bueno que me funcionĂł hasta que un dĂa ya no. Porque su depresiĂłn hizo que me diera ese virus⌠de el desamor.
Con su ausencia mis barrancos se profundizaron
Ahora no me siento capaz de compartir
Ni de amarlo.
Nunca te lo voy a poder decir.
Pero yo sĂŠ que no me amas. Es lo que represento lo que quieres. Es el amor incondicional lo que amas. Es lo que yo te podrĂa dar⌠la idea de mi.
Yo tambiĂŠn ame o amo eso, aunque se que nunca me amaras de la misma forma ni me darĂĄs todo lo que necesito. No te vas a entregar ni te vas a dejar ir por mi amor. No me vas a llevar en tu bolsillo ni tomaras mi mano cuando tenga frĂo⌠porque tu mano va a estar aĂşn mĂĄs helada que la mĂa.
No me vas a priorizar, me lo haz dicho. No voy a ser tu sujeto de admiraciĂłn. Porque sabemos que hasta el romance y el hacer el amor. Para ti son basados en complacer y por medio de la aceptaciĂłn ser complacido.
Me has dicho ya, prepĂĄrate. No te lo voy a dar todo. Y yo absurdamente te he mirado a los ojos una vez mĂĄs y como una niĂąa viendo a su padre huir de ella te he dicho âalgĂşn dĂaâ sabiendo con el tiempo que todo y nada van a pasar.
Porque? Por quĂŠ tĂş no me amas.
Nunca he side organizada, pero los Ăşltimos 10 dĂas el abandono me ha convertido en un fantasma. Las posesiones se acumulan hasta las ventanas y me cierran los pulmones, me privan de el aire que ya era escaso. Me muero de a poquito bajo la lupa de este inmenso sol. Desaparezco de a poquito entre las acuchilladas de culpa. Por mis aciones, por mis mentirĂas, por mi falta de sentimiento en aquel espacio donde antes no habĂa nada mĂĄs que amor.

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You looked me in the eye, those dry tears slipping away from the corners or your eyes. No trace of the pain you so often felt towards me. You told me to go. Promised youâll never leave in return.
You said to go out and try the world, to count on you when I make my way back home. Because you and I more than lovers became friends and partners in crime, each others souls.
Whatever souls are made of his and mine are the same.
And I held my head low, stared at the sidewalk and wondered if what is out side my home was worth it. If meaningless sex meant something. If his love for me had always been pure enough to know when to let me go.
And the answer was yes. So I am stuck waiting to see if I go because I can to or go because I need to
âPĂntame de colores. Me canse de ser solo gris.â
â Artistas 168
âPintame la vida cariĂąo. MiĂŠnteme, que bonito se siente creer la blasfemia de tu boca.â
âArtistas
168 (2)
PĂntame amor mĂo, llena aquellos espacios vacĂos que la vida me dejĂł, tĂłmame pero asegĂşrate de no devolverme. Porque a nadie le gustan las cosas a segunda mano.
âArtistas
168 (3)

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Orvieto, Italy (by Giuseppe M)
Subway Moments, Autumn 2023, Turin, Italy
Copyright @aliaslittlewilliam
â Este usuario solo quiere sentarse frente al mar y escuchar las olas.
Sounds amazing
We have many things, we are always together. But this. Right here is only mine.
I have for months without an end tried for an endless relationship to work. I have been patient and caring but more than that I have been afraid of others being right about my intentions not being pure and is difficult to think of it, because Iâve had to lie to myself, find answers to my fears and convince my heart to forgive the unforgiving.
I lowered my standards and I stopped taking care of myself. Because you could help me.
Now that everything is half a step away from being okay and I can be âfreeâ the biggest pain has filled my heart.
A constant reminder that I deserve better. I deserve passion, love, sex. I deserve to be worshipped.
Instead I am taking care of a project in bone and matter.
Hoping he will continue his journey to health and wisdom and remember to love me once every blue moon so when loneliness and anger comes for me, I would find a second and third reason to stay put.
This is the place I come to dump all my rejected thoughts intoâŚ
So here it is.
Your voice reminds me of falling in love. Pitless stomachs filled with butterflies and a racing heart in its last round.
how I love falling in love

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Sylvia Plath, from a journal entry featured in "The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath,"
the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it.