♧And this is ours♧

He left way before today

He was gone with the wind

He was tripping the boundaries, the line

He was being the lier I always knew he was

He forgot that I feel, and that I love

There is no excuse for 3 years of cheating

He said it, he doesn’t like… me. My vessel, my curves, my nakedness.

But he likes my brain and who I am

And he thought it was ok to forget that for hours, he thought of nothing while he cheated

I’m paying right? Paying my own mistakes

The part that hurts is not my ego. Is not the I should’ve checked, I should’ve pushed, is not the I knew you were hiding something

If I am something is receptive. It hurts… my heart races and I feel it in my ears. My head pounds and my eyes go dark seconds out of time.

What hurts is…

Is that I was in this, trying every day. Crying in my sleep. Thinking new ways to make this work.

What hurts was my sincerity.

Yet he was cheating, gone before the wind, living in the memory of our first two years

But to whoever reads this.

Depression is not an excuse to cheat

Depression doesn’t take away your accountability

He left

He broke something in me

I don’t think I can ever trust like I did before and I know I will try eventually.

I’m not going to be broken forever

I’m going to make myself not be alone

I will buy followers and a pet

I will pay my own little rent.

And if he is ok before I am I will be happy for him

I am hurting in a way I can’t describe, is a settlement in my stomach.

It was 5 years of happiness for me.

I will never forget the Middles, the pet names.

I will not forget your embrace, your sweet words.

I will still hold the pictures 1400 I counted them.

But I will move on.

Slowly and in pain.

But I will do it again my love.

I will love you forever

And I don’t hate you.

I never will.

I love you regardless of the pain

Because even though you were never perfect you were my at once everything that kept me going.

I will find happiness again.

Good bye Juan.

El era como un perrito herido.

Lloraba cuando tenía calor y gritaba con el frío.

Me hacía reír hasta por los codos.

Me amaba y adoraba en su propia forma, dulce y pendiente.

El era lo que necesitaba en aquel momento. Asi que

Me volvi necesaria. Para poder ser amada…

Que bueno que me funcionó hasta que un día ya no. Porque su depresión hizo que me diera ese virus… de el desamor.

Con su ausencia mis barrancos se profundizaron

Ahora no me siento capaz de compartir

Pero yo sé que no me amas. Es lo que represento lo que quieres. Es el amor incondicional lo que amas. Es lo que yo te podría dar… la idea de mi.

Yo también ame o amo eso, aunque se que nunca me amaras de la misma forma ni me darás todo lo que necesito. No te vas a entregar ni te vas a dejar ir por mi amor. No me vas a llevar en tu bolsillo ni tomaras mi mano cuando tenga frío… porque tu mano va a estar aún más helada que la mía.

No me vas a priorizar, me lo haz dicho. No voy a ser tu sujeto de admiración. Porque sabemos que hasta el romance y el hacer el amor. Para ti son basados en complacer y por medio de la aceptación ser complacido.

Me has dicho ya, prepárate. No te lo voy a dar todo. Y yo absurdamente te he mirado a los ojos una vez más y como una niña viendo a su padre huir de ella te he dicho “algún día” sabiendo con el tiempo que todo y nada van a pasar.

You said to go out and try the world, to count on you when I make my way back home. Because you and I more than lovers became friends and partners in crime, each others souls.

Whatever souls are made of his and mine are the same.

And I held my head low, stared at the sidewalk and wondered if what is out side my home was worth it. If meaningless sex meant something. If his love for me had always been pure enough to know when to let me go.

I have for months without an end tried for an endless relationship to work. I have been patient and caring but more than that I have been afraid of others being right about my intentions not being pure and is difficult to think of it, because I’ve had to lie to myself, find answers to my fears and convince my heart to forgive the unforgiving.

I lowered my standards and I stopped taking care of myself. Because you could help me.

Now that everything is half a step away from being okay and I can be “free” the biggest pain has filled my heart.

A constant reminder that I deserve better. I deserve passion, love, sex. I deserve to be worshipped.

Instead I am taking care of a project in bone and matter.

So here it is.

Your voice reminds me of falling in love. Pitless stomachs filled with butterflies and a racing heart in its last round.