gentle Dominant

This is a real challenge that any D/s couple will eventually face.  Dominant Leaders, by nature, are generally a confident bunch, but life happens.  Things don’t go our way, and we can become critical of ourselves.  That is the two-edged sword of being self-reliant and having high expectations of yourself.  When things don’t work out as planned, there is one person to blame and disappointment in oneself.  I don’t know how other Dominant Leaders handle this situation, but I will often find myself needing some space, processing my emotions. and developing a plan for how to get the ship back on its proper course.  I say all this to reassure you that it is natural and inevitable and that you should not judge your D-type too harshly in His low spot.

1.  Affirm Him Verbally - He is waging a battle in His mind and is filled with self-doubt.  One way to evict those negative thoughts is to fill His brain with your words of affirmation.  Let Him know who He is to you.  Let Him know that you are glad that He chose you.  Let Him know that you are confident that He will endure this trial and will come out happier on the other side.  Remind Him that He is adored and cherished.  Leave Him little affirming and encouraging notes.  Send a quick message throughout His day letting Him know that you think He is amazing and can’t wait until He gets home.

2.  Offer Him your Body - His world may be spinning out of control, but there is one thing that He can control….you.  Gently remind Him that your body at His disposal.  In times like this, He will treasure your submissive gestures, like kneeling at His feet, more than other times.  He may also desire to use your body sexually so as to work out His frustrations.  Let Him do so and encourage Him to do so (within the boundaries of sanity and limits, of course).  Don’t be surprised though if His normal pattern of sexual needs deviates a bit during this time.  The tender Daddy you know and love may temporarily turn into a cruel Master.  And, of course, it is possible that His sexual desires may be on pause for a bit while He is in this slump.  Don’t be discouraged if He turns down your advances.  It is not about His desires for you.  This is about Him processing and healing in His own way.  It could also be that He doesn’t want to engage in sexual play because He knows that He is harboring too much tension and frustration and does not want to lose control - in the moment - and put you in harm’s way.  

3.  Give Him Time and Space - This one will be the most difficult for you.  You are probably a nurturer and fixer.  Your maternal / submissive instincts may kick in and you may feel compelled to smother Him with time and attention.  As difficult as this may be to hear, that might not be what He needs.  Some men will go into a bit of a cocoon when they are anxious.  Attempts to pull Him out of His comforting cocoon will backfire on you.  He won’t go far.  He will come back.  He needs time to process and plan.  Give Him that time.

4.  Give Him a Pass When His Behavior Changes - Dominant Leaders are often consistent in their behavior.  That’s one of the reasons why you love Him so much.  You know what to expect from Him, and you cherish that consistency.  I don’t know how this will play out, but there may be some behavior changes during this dark time.  He may lash out at you verbally.  He may be overly stern.  He may not want to do one of your regular rituals.  These things can hurt you emotionally if you let them.  How you respond to them though when they happen will be very important. Just don’t be surprised when it happens.  Maintain your composure and, most importantly, avoid calling into question His leadership.  The ship will get righted.  The rituals will ensue. 

5.  Make Sure His World is Orderly - His world is chaotic now, but His home environment does not have to be.  Go out of your way to make sure that His castle is ready for Him.  This is the one area of His life that you can control.  You can’t change His work situation.  You can’t change the family strife.  But you can give Him a sense of order in your home.  Control what you can control.

6.  Listen to Exactly What He Says - When I am stressed and anxious, My words become short and sweet.  I am not as verbal when I am in My own head.  I do still communicate though.  So pay attention to His rare words.  He will tell you what He needs you to know, but don’t expect Him to repeat and do not fill in the blanks with what you were hoping He would also say.  As an example, if you are accustomed to Him messaging frequently throughout your day and you get a message that says, “I’m going to take some time and will not be messaging.” the last thing He wants to experience is another 30 minutes talking with you about why He is not messaging.  Reply with a simple, “Take all the time you need, Sir.  I’ll be here for you when you return.”  He told you what He needed you to know and it is now up to you to accept it and follow His lead.

She needs your eyes to graze along the soft skin of her arm—rounding her shoulders that are weary from carrying the weight of the world—until you reach the depths of her eyes.

She needs to have her soul touched by eyes that see her for everything she is—and also chooses to accept her unknown parts.

Her heart longs to be touched—silencing the pesky doubts and fears that linger there once and for all.

She longs to have her smile met by yours—she needs to see the joy she brings you.

She wants to taste you and lick you from her fingers—as the sweet red juice from fresh raspberries.

She wants to see that her intellect and sarcasm make you laugh like a child just discovering the thrill of riding a bike down a hill with no brakes for the first time.

She desires to see your eyes spark, and deepen as you try to take in every inch of her.

She wants to be touched by the fire that burns there—because she is the only one to ignite your passion in that way.

She wants her mind to be the first thing that you crave to touch—wishing to make a home there in attempt to figure out her secrets.

The very secrets she has never shared with anyone—no one has yet been able to handle the world that exists within the blues of eyes that see far too much and a heart that feels far too deeply.

She wants to be touched slowly at first—she wants to feel your fingertips dance over her palm as you try to remember a time when she didn’t fit into you so perfectly.

A woman wants to be touched with intentional longing, rippling below the surface of a man who continually questions his ability to be enough. This woman already sees him as her everything.

The secret of how to truly touch a woman lies in the ways she has never been touched before—her body should be the last thing that is actually brushed and grabbed by determined hands.

Because a woman doesn’t wish to be touched with perfection—but with hope. She longs to share in what will be.

She wants to feel your breath hot upon her neck—the spot right below her ear, making her back arch.

She wants to be touched by the sound of her name gasped from your lips when you realize you’re not dreaming.

She wants to feel your wide strong palms holding tight to her ribs, pressing your fingers in and feeling her heart beat for you.

A woman craves a touch that is as real as the thorns upon the rose—for the best of things in this life are those that are the most real.

And though she has, at times, bled for a love like this—it still blooms more magnificently than any other rose in her garden.

She wants to feel you kiss her—like you have been starved for the nourishment she gives.

She wants to be kissed like it was the very first time—and the last, all at once.

She wants the crash of passion as thunder waves on a midnight shore.

She wants to feel your determination, and your passion—those amazing moments where no words are necessary because your bodies say everything that needs to be said.

She wants to be touched by the sound of your love afterward.

A woman wants to be touched by your mouth—she wants to feel your mouth press against her forehead, seeming to kiss away any doubt of who she was before she met you.

She wants to feel the weight of man on top of her, but not just any man—for she has chosen you—the only one she wants.

She wants to feel the strength of delicious thighs as they move against her soft skin—she wants to be anchored to the here and now by the simple sound of your heart.

Because even when it’s racing—she knows your heart wants to be right here in this moment with her.

She wants to feel hands smoothing her hair.

She needs to be touched so that she remembers how love actually feels.

A woman needs to be touched with honesty, and kissed by longing more intense than a summer storm.

She needs to be touched in ways that make her body and soul tremble in pleasure.