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if i look back, i am lost

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Kim Jacinto, Punchline

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A Moonlit Night over a Chapel and Riders, oil on canvas
by Albert Rieger (Austrian, 1834β1905)
β Iβm sorry iβm a handful

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Last night, I told my mother "I wish I was dead" in a fit of rage and winter clouded her eyes. But it wasn't white and it wasn't quiet, it resembled something like helplessness and rage. She was in pain and I knew I hurt her. I wanted to say something, anything, but how do you withdraw a declaration of war? How do you stop the bombs that already destroyed homelands? In that moment I remembered how she always told me that when she was a kid, she was too afraid to sleep with the lights on. Not because she was afraid of monsters, but because she feared her grandmother would die. Because when you're a kid, not seeing it means it doesn't exist anymore. I saw the winter in her eyes again and I knew I had switched off the light, she wasn't angry, she was afraid.
And I also remembered how she always told me I'd always be 3 years old for her, always a child, and for the first time, I heard in the voice of a three year old "I wish I was dead". My heart broke. And I wanted to hug her and hold her, tell her I was sorry, that I didn't mean it. Before I could move a hand, she left the room. The entire evening, I saw myself as she saw me, a 3 year old child. I saw the child hurt herself and cry herself to sleep every week, fight her friends with her tiny hands and two ponytails, I saw her depression and her anxiety, I saw her yell "I wish I was dead" and I knew. I knew. I wanted to shout through the walls, yell and cry and tell my mother that now I KNEW, but I didn't. I wept and wept until I heard a quiet knock and a soft familiar voice whispered, "Dinner is ready".
-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire
The Pyrenees, Spain (by Margarita Caldero)
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βyouβre not supposed to relate to holden caulfield.β okay so like, in the sense that holden caulfield is a severely traumatized sixteen year old boy alone in new york city having a mental breakdown, yeah, itβs not great if you relate to that, but also yes you are supposed to relate to him? heβs supposed to be a relatable character??? heβs not even slightly the terrible person hordes of people who are really bad at literary analysis make him out to be

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"Who wants flowers when youβre dead? Nobody."
a little magical cottage in the forest β¨
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Sean Huang, A Galloping Fantasy

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Mountain Stream in the Moonlight (1905) - Albert Rieger