signed ca

are you still here?

i’ve been waiting an eternity for you to come back home

i keep going in circles with myself. again and again and again. wondering why this is happening to me. wishing i could go back all the way back and make different decisions.

i keep wishing for time machines and lucky pennies hoping something sticks. hoping something changes. hoping someone is listening. hoping everything changes. i keep beating myself up over decisions i made five years ago. wishing i could give myself peace but all i have left is hands tired of fighting an inner war. and maybe it’s about trusting you made the best decisions you could back then with the information you had. and maybe it’s about realizing this all happened for a reason. but why. maybe i’m being unfair to myself. to my younger self for wanting the best but never really knowing if they were going to find it. what i didn’t know is that five years later i was going to still be writing about it on the internet. instead of living the life i always dreamed of.

and even in the doing

and the undoing

of me

i find here

in the midst of another reinvention

i am that much closer

to the me

i once knew

- thirteenth century nervous breakdown

signed

and it only took losing everything i once had

signed

to cover the holes you left on the walls

and convinced myself time and time

again it was my fault

i’ve ever attempted to create

has fallen short

of everyone else’s

comparing canyons; christian del pino

am i a failure?

am i a failure?

as i welcome this new year i hope the art makes its way back into my eyes. i miss seeing life in so much rich colour.

i’m missing my old life today. the life i spent creating in my childhood. the life i would stay up late wishing to be out of. maybe i just miss the simplicity in all of this. and maybe trying to write poetry is just becoming unbearable.

i’m here. living and breathing with you. can you feel me? pressed up against your skin? can you still hear me breathing in the middle of the night as i dream about running away?

i miss you. sometimes more than i can imagine and other times i just write my thoughts. in no particular order. just the same way the ocean waves kiss the sun drenched sand.