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I'm a Catholic convert and I've been questioning my sexuality on and off for at least three or four years. I tried to just not question and to be straight and if I'm honest, it's still hard for me to admit to even myself that I'm not straight, but I also think that when I've felt the way I have about girls and when I've been questioning for years, there's probably a reason for that!

I do have a bit of imposter syndrome when it comes to it still and I don't know how long it'll take me to get over that or if I ever will. I keep feeling like it's all just a "phase" because there have been periods where I didn't think about my sexuality as much, even though that's pretty normal for me to do with anything. If I think less about being Italian-American one day than another, I'm not less Italian-American that day. I keep searching for evidence that I'm making this all up for attention, such as the fact that I've had more crushes on guys than girls, which isn't really how anything works, but brains just hate us amirite?

(I mean, if I AM making this up for attention, I'm doing a pretty crappy job considering in three or four years of questioning the only person I've told is my mom.)

I feel like a bad person because of this chance that I might be straight, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself about this. Even if I WAS straight, I wouldn't be a bad person for being wrong. I guess I have a hard time grappling with the idea that I'm the only one who gets to say if I'm bisexual or not — I've always struggled with a huge need for external validation on things that I really need to decide for myself and I'm still working on that.

I'm Side B, which means that I only date guys, as I do want to marry in a Catholic ceremony. I think the first crush I ever had on a girl was Katie McGrath, who plays Morgana Pendragon on Merlin and Lena Luther on Supergirl. It took me years to register this as a crush lol. It didn't occur to me that that very particular feeling I got when she was on the screen was the same feeling I got when I watched Tom Hiddleston in Thor or The Hollow Crown.

I guess one of the biggest struggles is the loneliness. I've had some pretty negative conversations with other Christians on LGBT topics and I'm scared to open up to other Christians now. I'm scared that they'll see me differently, that they'll automatically assume that me being nice is some sign of a crush, that they'll deem my very existence sinful.

On the other hand, I'm also scared to tell my LGBT friends. The idea that they might pity me and think I'm brainwashed or — worse still — that they might get the idea that I don't love or accept them is too much for me. The idea of hurting someone I love like that just doesn't feel worth it.

(Side note: To any LGBT people who may be reading this who aren't Side B — please don't think that this means I will judge you or hate you! I will always advocate for LGBT people to have equal rights and be treated with respect and dignity. You are SO loved and I hope you are having a lovely day!)

So yeah, I suppose this is the first time I'm being open about this to anyone who isn't my mom? It feels weird being vulnerable in this way with people on the internet when I don't feel comfortable telling people I know well, but that's just the crazy world we're living in! It also feels scary and I keep having that voice in my head telling me that I'm just doing this for attention and that I'm just a straight girl who wants to be special, but it's also getting lonely having all these thoughts stuck in my head with nobody to turn to with them. (My mom is a QUEEN and I am so thankful for her, but I'd also like to talk to people who maybe get it a bit more.)

I was pretty lucky. I didn't grow up in so much of a bubble that I thought being into girls would automatically make my whole life one giant sin. I had lots of people in my life who respected the LGBT community and showed me the unfairness in the way they've been treated. But I still think of hurtful things I've heard and it still makes me want to cry sometimes. And if I feel lonely, maybe some of you do too — and maybe I can also help you find the community I've longed for. :)

Edmund did make a HUGE mistake and Aslan died for it. But the point of Edmund’s character isn’t that he messed up, it was his response to everything that happened. We know that he was likable and then started behaving poorly after trouble at school, which makes perfect sense. He becomes unlikable and spiteful and bitter and he makes the wrong choice pretty much every time he makes one. He’s sinful and fallen, just like the reader.

But then he sees people suffering, actually suffering because of his actions. He’s been faced with real danger for the first time in his very young life. He never wanted any of that, but he was too selfish to let himself realize the consequences his actions would have. And when he’s confronted with it he’s horrified.

What makes Edmund special is that he then doesn’t sit there and wallow in his misery and self-loathing any longer. He realizes he’s spent far too much time doing that already. He becomes kind and fair. He becomes reliable. It says something that he gives second chances to those who hurt him. It says something that he stands up for Lucy even when he’s clearly nervous after that. It says something that he was called Just. It says something that Eustace wanted to talk to him before the others.

YES I know sometimes moms get unfair hate. The act of raising children, especially of staying home to raise them, is often looked down upon and laughed at it and nobody should be made to feel ashamed of it. It’s hard work and people will say it’s not, but it is. You are responsible for another person and people don’t value that because they don’t value kids or see them as people. (Don’t get me started on how society has been raising generations of kids who feel unwanted or like their very existence is a burden.)

But… moms who talk about being their sons’ first date or who talk about not wanting to share their sons with any potential girlfriends? They’re weird. It’s emotional incest and it’s not okay.

And the truth of the matter is that as much as we talk about girls internalizing all these toxic expectations of how they should act simply because they’re girls, nobody wants to talk about where they’re learning those expectations. Oftentimes it’s from other girls. And oftentimes it starts with their moms.

I have almost never had guys tell me that I shouldn’t want to play knight or that my makeup didn’t look good enough or that I looked slutty for wearing red lipstick with shorts. I’ve had girls tell me that though. I’ve had my mom say these things.

Oftentimes daughters are told that their moms have been through a lot. That their moms are tired. That their moms would have been happier if they’d never had kids. Maybe some of that is true sometimes. But a lot of times abusive fathers were raised by abusive fathers and I’ve never had anyone tell me that I shouldn’t talk about the issues I’ve had with my father because of that.

Undoing that is still taking time, but… there’s no right or wrong way to be a girl. It’s okay if you like pink and makeup and boys. It’s okay if you like black leather and battle ballads and girls. It’s okay if you like all of those things.