Harry Potter

It’s been 14 years, and still not a day goes by that I don’t miss your dad.

‘ ‘Take it,’ he said, and he thrust the sack into George’s hands. ‘What?’ said Fred, looking flabbergasted. ‘Take it,’ Harry repeated firmly. ‘I don’t want it.’ ‘You’re mental,’ said George, trying to push it back at Harry. 'No, I’m not,’ said Harry. 'You take it, and get inventing. It’s for the joke-shop.’ 'He is mental,’ Fred said, in an almost awed voice. … 'Harry – thanks,’ George muttered, while Fred nodded fervently at his side’

It’s why they agreed to his request Ron get some new dress robes out of it. They’re clever not just funny ‘they always get really good marks’ but as OP says they’re not as good as Percy, Bill or Charlie. They helped Ron get him out of the Dursleys:

'But you can’t magic me out either –’ 'We don’t need to,’ said Ron, jerking his head towards the front seats and grinning. 'You forget who I’ve got with me.’

They get him into Hogsmede , they (unknowingly) helped the trio break into Umbridge’s ministry office. They liked Harry for himself 

‘This is all your fault,’ George said angrily to Wood. ’“Get the Snitch or die trying” – what a stupid thing to tell him!'’

And cheered him up when things went wrong, such as Harry being accused of being the Heir of Slytherin

‘They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, 'Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through …’ Percy was deeply disapproving of this behaviour. 'It is not a laughing matter,’ he said coldly. 'Oh, get out of the way, Percy,’ said Fred, 'Harry’s in a hurry.’ 'Yeah, he’s nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant,’ said George, chortling ‘

Or when Ron and Hermione were made Prefects and Harry felt left out:

'Yeah,’ said Fred slowly. 'Yeah, you’ve caused too much trouble, mate. Well, at least one of you’s got their priorities right.’ He strode over to Harry and clapped him on the back while giving Ron a scathing look.

They tricked Dudley because they know how crappy Harry’s home is: 

'We didn’t give it to him because he was a Muggle!’ said Fred indignantly. 'No, we gave it to him because he’s a great bullying git,’ said George

And of course:

'Give her hell from us, Peeves.’ And Peeves, who Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his belled hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to tumultuous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into the glorious sunset. 

Harry frequently heard students saying things like, 'Honestly, some days I just feel like jumping on my broom and leaving this place,’ or else, 'One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.’

Cedric: What did you want to tell me, Harry?

Harry: Have my babies

Cedric: ...

Harry: I mean, the first task is dragons

---

McGonagall: Potter, who is your partner for the Yule Ball?

Ron: *kicks down the door while in a stunning blue dress and four-inch heels*

Ron: It's me, bitches.

---

Ron: My dad sent you this to help with the second task

Ron: *opens up box to reveal a bunch of rubber duckies*

---

Harry: Can you give me advice on how to talk to girls?

Sirius: *stares at Harry blankly while the Mii theme plays*

---

*Quidditch world cup*

Arthur: Hey, where's Percy?

Harry: I'll go check

*five minutes later*

Harry, traumatized: He's fucking my old Quidditch captain

---

Draco: *sees Harry and Ron dancing at the Yule Ball*

Draco: MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS

*later*

first year harry

sixth year harry

Sirius: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.

James: Hey, show your mother some respect!

Sirius: I didn't call her mum.

McGonagall: No, no. Sirius, I take it as a compliment.

Peter: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mum once and she's my girlfriend.

Sirius: Guys, jump on that. Pettigrew has psycho-sexual issues.

Lily: Old news. But you calling McGonagall mummy.

Sirius: Hey, mummy is not on the table here.

Snape: Well, you did call her mum, dude.

Sirius: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.

Snape: Okay, I was lying about the Dark Arts prank, but the mummy thing that happened.

Sirius: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.

McGonagall: I believed you-

Sirius: Thank you.

McGonagall: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?

Severus Snape: - Thought muggle-borns were inferior - Called his only friend “mudblood” - Became a Death Eater - Told Voldemort about the prophecy, bc he was 100% okay with killing an infant - When he got to know that it was Lily’s son, he asked Voldemort to spare HER, not caring how she would feel to have her son and husband killed - Bullied Harry simply because he was James’ son - Bullied Neville until he became the poor boy’s WORST FEAR (that same poor boy who witnessed his parents get tortured to insanity by Bellatrix, yet SNAPE was his worst fear.) - Shamed Hermione for her teeth until she cried. And then she permanently changed them. - Threatened to kill Trevor when Neville failed to do a potion - Used his position of power as a teacher to make students’ lives miserable - Told everyone Lupin was a werewolf, and intended to get him fired - Knew that Sirius didn’t tell Voldemort the Potters’ location (I could explain how but I can’t bother now) but still wanted him to get a dementor’s kiss bc of what happened when they were 16 - Helped Harry in the end

In CoS when they try to sneak into Myrtle’s bathroom to ask her about her death, McGonagall catches them and Harry makes up the excuse that they wanted to see Hermione in the hospital wing and Minnie doesn’t give them detention and then comes this and since we all know Harry’s dumbest excuse, here’s the official suggestion to rate all of Harry’s excuses on a scale from

to

Babies! 🥺

Dudley, age 14 and realizing his mother’s Loving-but-Ill-advised cooking is setting him up for some serious health problems, and that he’s tall enough to look his dad in the eye now, so his previous rationale of “If he’s hitting Harry he’s not Hitting Me” doesn’t hold up now, and goes full Eye of The Tiger to cope.

This means Sirus gets dragged along on a lot of Parent-avoiding “Walkies”

So many that one evening after a fight Dudley is trying to round up Harry and Sirius for a cooldown run and Sirius groans “Oh you’re big lads you can jog to the tesco on your own.” from the couch There’s a hot moment of silence.

“He’s a Magic Dog.” Says Harry.

“What do you mean your dog is a 40-year-old man?” “What do you mean your Dad’s BFF?” “What do you mean convicted criminal?” What do you mean WIZARD HITLER WANTS YOUR HIDE??” “..Shit I gotta up my workout routine.” “You’re not gonna punch Voldermort out Dudley.” “Not with these wimpy biceps I won’t.”

Shit’s getting increasingly tense in the house so when Ron announces they have tickets to the Quidditch World Cup Harry has to ask “Hey, can Dudley come too?”

Dudley might be short on wizarding skills but one thing he’s learned at Fancy rich boy School is the art of Schmooze.  They meet Corneilus Fudge and Dudley charms the hell out of him. Fudge doesn’t even realize he’s not a Wizard.   Harry tries to impress upon him the ‘VOLDERMORT’S ALIVE WITH A CULT DIPSHIT” upon him and nearly ends up in tears before Dudley takes his arm and whispers “Let me Handle This.”

Thirty minutes later Corneilus is organizing a Task Force of Aurors. 

“What the fuck do they teach you there?” asks Harry. “Oh, buttering egos, Trigonometry, grift, the usual.” “What’s Trigonometry?” Asks Ron, walking with them on a field trip through Muggle London for Nandos.  Dudley’s Uncle “Gerald White” is supervising them it’s fine. Dudley stares for a moment. “You guys… are learning math, along with your Divination and Transmorfigication and whatsits, right?” There is an awkward silence. Even Sirius considers morphing back into a dog to avoid this conversation. “Oh for fucks sake.” Sighs Dudley, texting Hermionie to see if she brought her Muggle textbooks along.

(She Did)

“What’s trigonometry?” some pureblood at the World Cup asks him. “It’s a variant of arithmancy,” says Harry, who’s become somewhat adept at bullshitting translations between magical and muggle things when the incentive was avoiding Aunt Marge’s wrath.

Nobody’s ever heard of trigonometry except for one elderly pureblood witch, who had heard it mentioned once back in school by a classmate who went on to become a famous name in advanced and extremely theoretical arithmancy.

Everybody loses no time in agreeing that trigonometry must be this tremendously advanced arithmancy specialization and Dudley Dursley must be an absolute arithmancy prodigy to the point where even the arithmancy buffs don’t want to risk making themselves look stupid by asking him about his research.

OBVIOUSLY Dudley goes to some extremely foreign wizarding school with an advanced research program available. There can’t be many of them with an advanced “trigonometry” program like that, so nobody asks which school it is because what if there’s only one of them and they look stupid for not knowing about it?

Besides, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, is giving him the time of day like he’s someone really important, so, yeah.

Oh, yeah, he’s definitely the type of absent-minded brilliance that forgets his wand regularly, head in the clouds with all those theorems.

Dudley actually takes up computer programming at Smeltings. He tried it out because he likes video games, and then sort of fell in love with the process, the building something up out of lines of code, the thrill of success when it works. The awestruck reactions of wizards who see a couple of his notebooks when he sits there scribbling out code on a spiralbound notebook with a ballpoint pen is almost tangible.

The ballpoints and the notebooks take some suspicion for their muggleness until Harry points out that you don’t need to pay attention to how much ink is left and when you need to dip it, so it’s perfect for somebody who might want to scribble out whole pages of that stuff without noticing whether they’ve run out of ink, and the notebooks have pages so you could remember where something is. Pretty soon quill-tipped ballpoints are all the rage and spiralbound parchment stacks are being sold in all the stores.

Somebody asks Dudley about his family history. “Oh, they’ve all been like me,” he says, “as far back as anybody remembers” and he means not-a-wizard, but everybody thinks the opposite.

His father is blustery and yells and prone to explosive bursts of anger, he says, and his mother is obsessed with cleanliness and etiquette, and everyone is perfectly happy to never suggest they’d like to meet them.

Once Dudley figures out that everyone thinks he’s a wizard, he and Harry have a solid laugh over it and Harry teaches Dudley what he’d need to know to continue the deception. Fred and George are brought into the equation and provide him with lots of cool tricks and such so that he can appear to do some small bits of magic now and again.

He eventually marries Daphne Greengrass, who knows about his muggleness at that point and loves the idea of getting one over on her overly bloodpurist parents without them ever knowing about it. Harry and Sirius quietly gift them Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, and the assumption that Dudley has the sort of money that buys a historic Pureblood property as a starter home goes round and round.

“all the pureblood dipshits tithed thier land and holdings to Voldemort so when Harry kills him, all the assets go to him and now he owns half of wizarding UK.”