🎺 doot 🎺

i say i’m a lucky girl,

you ask what is your proof?

well i’m bonkers baby, you’re still laying here in my room

Despite being repeatedly emotionally beat down over the years I continue to approach the world with love and trust that people are ultimately good. I still believe that the people around me have positive intentions.

My friends don’t make me feel like I need to shrink or be less, they don’t make me feel like I’m too much. There are people who are capable of receiving my love. I don’t know where I would be without my friends. I think I allow myself to be treated really horribly a lot because I struggle to see my own worth. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m hanging on to at this point.

Instead of doing my homework last night I started analyzing why it is I’m so strongly attached to “dudes whining about their ex and being sad” music as a person with BPD lol.

Best Buds

Death cup: Just like all of death cup. This was first mom jeans song I ever heard and this was pre bpd diagnosis so it hit me sooo hard but I didn’t rlly have the language or understanding yet to know why. Specifically the line “please tell me how the fuck I’m supposed to deal with losing you” is obviously just like generically a thing that anyone might feel when losing someone they care about, but for me its like when I lose someone I care abt it feels like my whole life is ending. There is so much physical real pain so yeah how the fuck am I supposed to deal with losing you. I remember when I first heard this song I was in the middle of losing my 2 best friends / favorite person(s) and it was hella messy and horrible but this song was like “brooo that is exactly what im dealing with rn” to my little 16 year old self.

Danger Cant: “I'm not scared of dying I'm just overwhelmed, I love you more than I've ever loved myself” classic bpd shit like u hate urself but the love u feel for another person is like the strongest thing ever and its overwhelming as fuck

Movember: “If I were to grow a beard, stop drinking beer, I fear you might not love me enough to make you stay. I really hope you'll stay” To me this is like ur afraid to make changes in ur life that might push someone away. Cuz like yeah what if I change my appearance and I stop drinking and it might be good for me but then the ppl I care about leave and thats what really matters… Worrying a lot about what other people think instead of making decisions for yourself because you have such a lack of a sense of self you just need to like make yourself into the person that someone else wants u to be type shit.

Edward 40hands: All the lines abt cigarettes in edward 40hands omg… “Cause I’m stuck on you like the smell of cigarettes on your flower dress” I’ve always loved that analogy very relatable cuz like bpd attachment totally feels that way like you get stuck on people or things and you just can’t get off it’s lowkey frustrating sometimes. “Now I’m addicted to cigarettes, at first I didn’t let myself inhale the smoke, but smoke got through and so did you, And now every burn hole smells like home” Being initially cautious to be attached to someone but it happens like they get through your barriers and ur just like kinda fully obsessed and EVERYTHING reminds u of them broooo. “And I know it’s killing me, but that still wont stop me, cause now we smell the same, but you still kill me faster” This one reminds me of knowing that ur fav person is lowk bad for you and making ur life worse but not really being able to do anything about it cuz thats fp and u love them too much LOL. Again this one was sooo real when I was 16 and my 2 fps were evil horrible ppl but I loved them for some reason. ALSO “cause now we smell the same” totally reminds me of mirroring lol. Like look I copied ur behavior and now we’re the same.

Poor Boxer Shorts: “Cause I'm so sad whenever you're not here; 'Cause I need you more than you need me” this song is kinda just like generic sad after breakup vibes so kinda a stretch for bpd-specific analysis but this line is pretty bpd relatable. like yea relying on other ppl more than they will ever rely on you is pretty par for course.

Remy’s Boyz: “I love you so hard it hurts me sometimes” duh “I'm sorry that I'm not exactly what you expected from me” This song is more angry raging at myself vibes to me. Like when I’m having one of those rlly lame “I’m a horrible person I hate myself I deserve every bad thing that is happening to me” moments this song kinda works for that. OR splitting on someone else. I’ve definitely listened and screamed along to this when I felt abandoned and angry at an fp before loll..

Vape Nation: “Is it so much to ask that you text me back? I'm so scared of losing touch I'm forced to ask if you know that the reason why I try so hard to be nice is so no one else will leave me behind” I mean duh. Literal fear of abandonment and efforts to avoid abandonment. Also stressing over messages with ppl like anxiety over getting a text back unfortunately very real. ALSO specifically people pleasing in an effort to avoid abandonment. Bro.

Puppy Love

Near death fail comp: “So what'll you do when all that you love slowly drifts away from you and there's no one you can blame except yourself?” me when the frantic efforts to avoid abandonment end up fulfilling the prophecy by pushing people away by being stressful and overwhelming

Sponsor me tape: “Fuck me up because I can’t remember just who I was before I met you” post-abandonment remembering that ur a shell of a person because there isn’t someone there for you to mirror anymore. This whole song is very post-abandonment anger and kinda splitting like after u lose the idealization for the person u were attached to just being angry and hating them a little idk.

Pt. 2: “How dare you come in my life and make me rely on you? How can you live with yourself knowing you did this to me?” This is SOOO splitting omg. Like so irrational and kinda stupid but totally been there. Cuz obviously it’s not the other persons fault you have BPD and you got attached to them but sometimes it totally does feel like that, like why the fuck did you do this to me.

Jon bong jovi: “Well, sometimes I get lonely even though it's only been a good forty-five minutes since I left your house” Lack of emotional permanence. Like when ur not around the ppl u care about you feel like they forget about you and feel kinda sad and lonely.

Sweet Tooth

Hippo in the water: “Even when you think you don't need me I think it might be kind of fun to pretend that we're meant to be together and we'll nеver be apart riding off into the sunsеt, singing songs that steal your heart” This whole song feels sooo like beginning of the bpd relationship cycle to me. Like very whirlwind immediate strong attachment kinda crazy

like omg she’s so cute… screenshots from a video my parents made in 2013 to sell their 1996 850r. i need her so fucking bad please. volvo wagon save me…. save me volvo wagon…