:)))

i dont think i can let people close anymore. i think im meant to live and die alone. what other purpose does hurting those i love serve? other than teaching me this lesson? making people question if i care about them, making them feel like i cant be approached. what am i doing wrong?

I AM THE ISSUE. I CREATE AN IMPENETRABLE FORTRESS AROUND MYSELF AND I ACTIVELY REPEL GOOD PEOPLE. TO BE LOVED AND SEEN IS TO BE IN DANGER AND TO BE MISUNDERSTOOD. EVERYONE LEAVES BECAUSE I MAKE THEM.

I wish depression were an emergency. I wish someone could take one look at how sick I am and go “oh my god, we need to get you to a hospital!” and then when we get there I get rushed into surgery and the surgeons say “it’s a good thing you brought her here when you did, this is a seriously advanced case” and then they put me under and spend the next ten hours pulling metres of long, sticky black strands of gunk out of my body, throwing it immediately into an incinerator so that it can’t infect anyone else. And then they could stitch me back up and I could rest a few days, and when I leave the hospital everyone can see how much better I am and they congratulate me saying “well done, you’ve been so brave, I’m so glad you’re ok. I love you.”

i thibk i should have killed myself when i was a teenager

i also think i should have been a lot meaner to myself. im too soft. or just mean in general. maybe people would see that im a piece of shit and point it out aloud. i need to shut the fuck up permanently. i dont need to say anything about how i feel about anything because why would anything be wrong theres nothing wrong im a big crybaby and have a meltdown at the slightest inconvenience when i have to work hard theres no use in dragging people into shit that i can do myself ao i think ill just do it and crumple myself up into a million more unrecognizable pieces until i can recreate someone else entirely and not have to think about anything anymore