My Stepdad Killed Himself.
Due to reading a bunch of people sharing their experiences and opinions around the suicide of Mr. Williams, Iâve been on every article and feeling a little numb about it, Iâve been letting people know what I think without mentioning that âoh yeah, my stepdad killed himself back in 2012â, because is not an easy thing to say like âoh yeah I ate pizza last nightâ itâs not something you go and share with everyone you know. I started to feel a need for sharing it as fast I started to hear people saying things like âsuicide itâs such a selfish thingâ or âhow could someone do that just for being sad?â I realize that some people donât really know that depression is a mental illness. Iâve never written a thing about it because I still feel chills just to remember the whole thing. But I think it is a good moment to share it.
My Stepdad was a strange adult, he was a fun guy and sometimes he wasnât, I didnât really got along with him until the last years before he did what he did. It was obviously that he had a rough childhood, he knew what was wrong with him and he took a long road on psychiatric therapy, my family and his (also strange) family was supporting it. My mom loved him and he loved my mom, so even when I didnât liked the guy I kind of liked the guy because he was a good man to my mom.
Somewhere in the middle of his psychiatric road, a stable relationship, two supporting stepdaughters, two sons and an almost broke business, things took a strange turn without anyone expecting it.
We never got a sign, and everyone thought that everything was fine, the business wasnât but money is just money⌠family values come first. One day when no one was watching he decided to drink a whole bottle of antifreeze. I got home that night, no one was there, all the lights were off and as I walked into the living room I could feel that there was a weird and scary vibe in our place. I called my mom and she was crying. As soon as she mention it I got out of the house, it felt like if I had seen a ghost, I got scared of being there, as if the death was there and I just ran out of it. My mom told me she would call me back later, I had nowhere to go and I called a bunch of friends until someone answered me so I could go to their place and calm my nerves out. I was shaking.
My mom found him, make him barf the thing but things got complicated afterwards. His whole immune system and kidneys went on a down road for the next month and one day everything just stopped functioning. We spent a month with him, taking care of him and we got to talk to him and trying to make him feel better, we knew he had been struggling with depression during all that time, so we were always doing family things, we were always there. I repeat, this was a guy that took me a long while to get along with, and I ended up watching TV with him on his last days, talking to him and saying things like âI love you and please get better so we can do something fun soon.â It didnât.
When he died, his family blamed it on us, and didnât want us to go to the funeral. They never visited him they knew nothing, it was so unfair. My whole family gather together and with a broken heart we went to his funeral, nobody was crying as much as we were.
I got a dream job offer in that same week, far away from my hometown, I wasnât going to take it, I was worried about leaving home after my stepdadâs departure, my mom said âdonât let this stop you from chasing your dreams, Iâm going to be ok, Iâm not going to do anything stupid.â Reading about Mr. Williams now I can see how that wasnât actually a stupid thing to do, it just happened, unexpected and out of nowhere, you canât say that is stupid, you canât blame it on people, but most of all, you canât say that suicide itâs a selfish thing to do and like earthquakes you canât tell when someone is going to do it. He was a fine man, funny, wise, smart, kind, he was fighting his monsters out and one day he just couldnât take it anymore and monsters took over him.
 What Iâm saying is that it wasnât his fault as some people think that suicide itâs a decision. I believe that it isnât. The only thing that we can do about it itâs to be prepared and aware, like when you live in a place where earthquakes are a common thing, and you save extra water and cans on the cupboard, if you suspect itâs coming, catch a sign, know what to do; you wonât get anything on judging an earthquake, you have to survive to it and protect your people. Depression is a mental illness, itâs an earthquake and you can't take it for granted. Be there and do all you can and if it happens, itâs not your fault, donât carry that with you, know that itâs an accident as much as a car crash or a heart stroke, you can prevent those things and sometimes you canât.
 My Mom itâs doing great, we talk everyday and things are doing fine now. But yeah, we miss him, especially on Christmas.