CATALOGUER OF ABSENCES

My life / has appeared unclothed in court, / detail by detail, / death-bone witness by death-bone witness, / and I was shamed at the verdict…

Sometimes I wish to flee with everything I possess into a few words, seek refuge in them. But there are still no words to shelter me. That is the real problem. I am in search of a haven, yet I must first build it for myself, stone by stone. Everyone seeks a home, a refuge. And I am always in search of a few words. Sometimes I feel that every word spoken and every gesture made merely serve to exacerbate misunderstandings. Then what I would really like is to escape into a great silence and impose that silence on everyone else.

…How indescribably beautiful it all was, our cup of coffee, the cheap cigarette, and that walk through the darkened city, arm in arm, and the fact that we two were together. To be able to come back – to be able to return and realize that you’ve been carrying inside this one person all along…

Beauty is rarely soft or consolatory. Quite the contrary. Genuine beauty is always quite alarming.

I met her when she’d just turned 25, In a tranquil period. I suppose she feared old age and death. Old age for her was thirty.

a few divine and prophetic feelings:

in front of your computer screen in the early morning hours before the sun rises, the only sound is the writing of data to your hard drive and your browser is still loading a page. there’s a moment as you gaze into that cool light where you really think about all the parts and code operating together and suddenly everything makes that kind of sense.

…All that beauty would have gone like a stab to my heart, and I would not have known what to do with the pain…

This is the girl, here, this girl with a ruined look who touches me and whom I love.